Decoder - Breaking down teen culture, substance abuse, and parenting

Video Games – Decoder - Breaking down teen culture, substance abuse, and parenting

Oct 31, 2008 by Guest Blogger: Neil Bernstein | Categories Advice, Connecting, Internet, Monitoring, Setting Limits, Teenagers, Video Games

I’ve seen many at-risk teenagers over the years and have been struck by their complaints about boredom. Take Mike, a 15-year-old ninth grader who hated being alone. He’d surf the web, listen to his iPod, play video games, text his friends, and frantically search for “something to do.” In fact, he would go to great lengths to avoid facing the void within him. There are many Mikes out there—restless and discontented teens in search of a way to numb their discomfort and connect with others. But all too often they go about it in the wrong way—they take shortcuts. Getting high or drunk is one. Another is meeting strangers online or going to “seedy” places to hang out. And even their constant need to IM, and spend time in My Space, underscores their never ending search. Until they find comfort within themselves and learn to be self-sufficient, they’ll continue floating from one negative distraction to the next.

Perhaps this inability to tolerate downtime is an unwelcome outcome of the electronic age which gave birth to a high stimulation generation. Today’s youth expect to be entertained. And there’s plenty out there to keep them busy. The problem is that the more they get, the more they want. Unfortunately, this doesn’t help teens to figure out who they are and what they want from life. And if we’re not careful, they’ll spend more time avoiding these tasks than rising to the challenge. Anyone who has talked to kids who have to “chill” all the time, knows what I’m referring to. Color it avoidance—of the pressure to succeed, of their feelings of self-doubt, or of the demand for conformity to a social standard they can’t meet.

Often, boredom is only the tip of the iceberg and loneliness lurks below. Parents take note. Self-direction relieves the pressure to go along with the crowd and cast judgment to the wind. Don’t take it upon yourself to entertain your kids when they “have nothing to do”. If you do their work, they’ll become dependent on you, and only shift that dependence to their peers as they get older.

Instead, teach them satisfying ways to occupy themselves when they’re alone. And if your son or daughter is a prisoner of cyberspace, it’s probably time to take action. Rather than restrict them from the few things they enjoy, why not tell them that you expect them to engage in constructive activities for at least several hours a day prior to computer use or hanging out with like minded friends. They can choose the activities from a menu which you come up with jointly. They’ll probably balk at this, but stick to your guns. There are plenty of options out there which can fuel interests and combat boredom. Think school clubs, volunteer work, developing a talent, organized sports, getting a part-time job, or pursuing a hobby. Good things happen when young people find their passions.

Sally, a 17-year-old I worked with some years ago, chose to work in retailing after her parents insisted that she do something other than complain how “bored” she was. I ran into her last year and was pleasantly surprised to learn that she was a manager of a large store.

	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Neil Bernstein \| 2 Comment(s)
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Hitting the Off Button

Oct 14, 2008 by Guest Blogger: Nancy Branka | Categories Monitoring, Role Models, Setting Limits, Television, Video Games

A few years ago, I read an interview with Jamie Lee Curtis, in which she said that parents with concerns about their children’s habits and behaviors—especially addictions—should examine their own behavior. (Curtis has some street cred, having successfully fought drug and alcohol addiction herself.) This notion rang so true to me, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

It makes sense. For one thing, kids clearly look to parents to model behavior. But I have another explanation that is less mainstream: Sometimes I feel as though we attract to our lives that with which we struggle. And it’s always easier to see in others (even our kids) what we can’t see in ourselves.

My children are too young to have issues with drugs and alcohol, but I do get very concerned from time to time about their dependence on TV and electronic games. I have nothing against either of these, in moderation. But for me, a red flag goes up when my kids appear “zoned out” with these screens. There are certain looks and postures that tell me they’re using TV or video games to numb themselves or escape from the world for a while. Even they will admit, during these times, that the games or shows have gone past fun to boring, but they just can’t seem to pull themselves away.

But thanks to Curtis’s remark, during those moments I also turn inward, asking whether I’m “guilty” as well. Here’s how my self-interrogation goes. First, I get defensive and in denial mode: “Hey, I only watch TV at the end of a long day and it’s only for two hours, max. Don’t I deserve that small enjoyment?” Then I vow to reform: “Tomorrow will be a TV-free day. And this time I mean it.” Then I fail. (Often, but not always.) Of course, by then, something has changed in my kids’ lives, and they’ve moved away from screens onto more constructive play. And so have I. Crisis averted. Until the next time.

I’m having mixed results—at best–helping my kids recognize numbing or addictive behavior and look at what’s going on beneath the surface. And I have ups and downs in my own attempt to thwart numbing behavior. But I persist in the effort. I do so because I’m hoping we’ll have enough successes in the short term to summon some confidence in the future when the temptations of more destructive behaviors come calling. I know there are no guarantees, but in the meantime, I figure it can only help to see where my own weaknesses show up in my kids and to practice hitting the off button.

	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Nancy Branka \| 1 Comment(s)
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Violent Videos Games and My Tween

Aug 19, 2008 by Tara Paterson | Categories Setting Limits, Tweens, Video Games

My oldest son Adam and I were on one of our Sunday walks when he asked me, “Why can’t I play the video games my friends play?” There was a bit of pleading in his voice. Of course I knew he was referring to the violent, shoot ‘em up kind of video games, which are strictly forbidden in our house. I decided to try to turn this opportunity into an impressionable conversation.

We live on a beautiful country road which winds through Virginia’s Blue Ridge Mountains. There are horse farms, sprawling hills and stunning vegetation.

“Look around you,” I suggested. “See the trees, sky, fields, farms, horses, cows, birds and ducks? Now imagine that your mind is photographing everything you see. At any time in the future you’ll be able to pull up an image from this landscape because somewhere in your brain, these pictures have been permanently downloaded — like photos on a computer. The same thing happens if you spend time playing violent video games. You replay those images in your mind. And in some cases, this can lead kids to do reckless things they may not have done otherwise.”

Adam stared back at me wide-eyed and I knew he got it. (I considered this quite an accomplishment, because as we all know, it’s not so easy getting through to a tween.)

As a parent, there are frequent challenges on how to set limits on things such as TV, DVDs, computer use, cell phones, iPods, etc. The issue of violent video games is certainly on this list.

Later that evening while headed to a neighbor’s house, we passed the same spot we had our discussion earlier. “Mom, remember the picture?” he asked. I smiled and felt relieved that we’d managed to get over this video-game hurdle – at least for now.

What are your house policies on violent video games? And how do you help your kids understand the limits you have set for them?

Tween boys play a video game.

	Posted by: Tara Paterson \| 5 Comment(s)
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