While most teen friendships have their highs and lows, toxic friends are characterized by consistent patterns of negativity.

Yet, the signs of a toxic teen friendship aren’t always obvious to teens or their parents. Here are 20 questions to help your child determine if a friendship may be bad for her –  either mentally, physically or both.

1. Does scheduling time to see your friend feel like an obligation rather than a pleasure?

2. Do you ever feel trapped when you are together?

3. Do you feel tense in her presence?

4. Does she often show off at your expense?

5. Is she never reliably there when you need her?

6. Is she self-centered, sneaky, deceitful or disloyal?

7. Does she have habitually bad judgment?

8. Are you giving more than you’re getting?

9. Does the relationship feel out-of-sync?

10.  Do you feel emotionally drained when you are with her?

11.  Do you come away from her feeling depressed?

12.  When you talk, does it feel like she isn’t listening or just doesn’t get it?

13.  Do you dread her phone calls, emails and/or text messages?

14.  Do you hate when you see her screen name online when you look at your buddy list?

15.  Are her emails too long to read?

16.  Does she always choose to spend her time with her boyfriend, over you, given the opportunity?

17.  Has she flirted with your boyfriend or the guy you like?

18.  Has she done anything to undermine get you in trouble at school?

19.  Can you trust her to keep your confidences?

20.  Has she betrayed you?

• 	Posted by: Irene S. Levine, PhD | 2 Comment(s)	Print This Post
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We reached out to Teri Christensen, one of our favorite Partnership moms, to find out what it’s like raising tween girls and working at The Partnership at Drugfree.org. Watch the video below to see what she had to say!

Teri Christensen, Senior Vice President and Director of Field Operations, has worked with The Partnership at Drugfree.org for over a decade. She leads her team and the Alliance program through a number of changes and growth. In her day-to-day job she is committed to the cause and takes great pride in helping families across the country raise healthy drug-free kids.

She works in a home-based office where her daughter, Taylor and Kendall, have been exposed and connected to drug prevention for all of their lives. Teri has always been a hands-on parent however now more than ever she has regular conversations with her daughters about school friends, boys, appropriate and inappropriate language, texting, friendships and, of course, conversations about alcohol and drugs whenever possible.

She has always set very clear expectations with her daughters. Teri admits she may be viewed as nagging or saying something embarrassing but that does not stop her from having regular, on-going conversations with Taylor, Kendall and some of their friends.

As much as she wants to be liked by her girls and their friends she puts her job as mother first and has no issue putting her foot down.  Taylor and Kendall know that their mom’s primary “job” is to keep them healthy and safe while providing them some of the skills they will need as they grown into teenagers and young adults.

How do you help your teens make healthy choices!  Share with us below.

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We’re thrilled to welcome new blogger Dr. Irene Levine, PhD, to the Decoder community!  Dr. Levine is a clinical psychologist, an award-winning freelance journalist and the author of Best Friends Forever.  She also maintains The Friendship Blog, a blog about the nature, meaning, and depth of female friendships.

It always hurts to see a child or teen sad as a result of a friendship that has gone awry. One way to help your teen through a difficult friend breakup is to explain that it’s common for young people to change friends often.  Perhaps, this particular friend feels more comfortable with different kids than she did in the past. Maybe she wants to hang out with friends whom she thinks are more popular or cool, or something else like that.

Here are a few things you can do to help your teen:

1. Suggest to your child that she text her friend to see if she wants to get together in-person to talk about why she’s grown distant.  She might need a bit of encouragement and support from you to do this.

2. Help channel her energy into on making some new friends. (Here are suggestions for helping your child finding new activities that might interest her.) If she and her once-BFF are school chums and have some of the same friends, let her know that it’s best not to make their breakup obvious when they’re in public.  Encourage her to act politely in mixed company and among mutual friends.

3. Remind her that this friend breakup is probably more about her friend than it is about her and she deserves a better friendship than this one! Reiterate that friendships and allegiances change so often during the teen years that it’s likely her former friend may reach out to her at some point in the future.

4. Let her know that she will feel better soon. It might be helpful to talk to a parent or family member about this since most adults have experienced friend breakups before.

Has your teen dealt with a difficult breakup?  How did you help him or her handle it?

• 	Posted by: Irene S. Levine, PhD | 2 Comment(s)	Print This Post
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This post is written by Jennifer Dyl, PhD (Rhode Island Family Guide).

Seventeen-year-old Marissa is juggling many roles. She has a demanding part-time job, plays two varsity sports, is studying for the SAT’s and trying to decide where to go to college. She also has a term paper and an internet project due this week, needs to find a date and a dress for the prom, is worried that she has gained five pounds and is afraid that her best friend is mad at her. While Marissa used to feel confident and excited by life’s challenges, she has recently been feeling overwhelmed, out of control and “stressed out.” Marissa’s story is typical of the daily pressures teens face.

“Stress” is defined as the way our bodies and minds react to life changes. Since adolescence is a period of significant change, including physical, emotional, social, and academic changes, many teens are under more stress than at any other time of life.

Teenage Stress Factors

• Academic pressure and career decisions
• Pressure to wear certain types of clothing or hairstyles
• Pressure to try drugs, alcohol, or sex
• Pressure to fit in with peer groups and measure up to others
• Adaptation to bodily changes
• Family and peer conflicts
• Taking on too many activities at one time

It is very important for teens to learn to handle stress, as long-term build-up of stress which is not handled effectively may lead to problems including physical illness, anxiety or depression, which call for professional help.

Teenage “Stress Overload” Signs

• Increased physical illness (headaches, stomachaches, muscle pains, chronic fatigue)
• “Shutting down” and withdrawal from people and activities
• Increased anger or irritable lashing out at others
• Increased tearfulness and feelings of hopelessness
• Chronic feelings of worry and nervousness
• Difficulty sleeping and eating
• Difficulty concentrating

Our body’s natural reaction to life events we perceive as overwhelming entails the “fight or flight” response, which may produce a faster heart rate, increased blood flow, shallow breathing, a sense of dread, and a desire to escape. However, teens can teach themselves to perceive life challenges as within their control and can even change their body’s reactions to such events, promoting a lower heart rate, deeper breathing, clearer thinking, and feelings of calmness and control. There are many stress management skills that promote the relaxation response.

Stress Management Skills for Teens

• Taking deep breaths, accompanied by thoughts of being in control (”I can handle this”)
• Progressive muscle relaxation, (repeatedly tensing and relaxing large muscles of the body)
• Setting small goals and breaking tasks into smaller manageable “chunks”
• Exercising and eating regular meals; avoiding excessive caffeine
• Rehearsing and practicing feared situations (i.e., practicing public speaking, asking someone out on a date ahead of time
• Talking about problems with others, including parents, other adults, and friends
• Lowering unrealistic expectations.
• Focusing on things you can control and letting go of things you cannot control.
• Scheduling breaks and enjoyable activities, such as music, art, sports, socializing
• Accepting yourself as you are. Identifying unique strengths and building on them, but realizing no one is perfect!

To read more about how to help your teen cope with stress, visit the Rhode Island Family Guide.

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Young drivers today are more likely to blame external causes for mishaps on the road rather than take responsibility.

A study by Liberty Mutual and SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions reveals that one in three teen drivers (34%) have had “near misses” while driving.  When asked what caused these “near misses” very few owned up to the close call.

The same young drivers admit to engaging in dangerous behaviors while driving such as speeding, texting while driving, talking to friends or changing songs on their MP3 player.  When discussing their “near miss,” these teens and young adults blame other drivers or the weather (21%) but very rarely acknowledge their own dangerous behavior.

With all this being said, 92% of teens polled consider themselves to be safe drivers.

Teens who  reported to have “almost accidents” stated that they changed their driving behaviors and limited their distractions temporarily.  Their commitment to safer driving was short lived.

Sadly, according to this study, it takes getting into an accident to have lasting changes in driving habits.  Almost 70% of teen drivers who have been in an accident claim that their experience has changed their driving habits forever.  Unfortunately, many teens who get into accidents due to unsafe driving behavior will not get a second chance.

Now in the height of summer, teens are behind the wheel for more hours of the day. Liberty Mutual and SADD representatives urge parents to sit down with their children to review family rules on the road.  Parents need to stress their concerns, according to this study, because many teens do not share these same concerns.

Don’t let your child be the example, talk to your kids about safe driving conditions.

Related Links:
Your Parenting Style May Affect Your Teen’s Driving
A Parent’s Guide to the Teen Brain
Cars Make Drug and Alcohol Use Easier

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It’s normal to feel uneasy about talking to your teen about sex, drugs and alcohol.  (I know I certainly did.) Here are 10 tips that may help you:

1. Talk early and talk often about sex. “Teens are thinking about sex from early adolescence and they’re very nervous about it,” explains Elizabeth Schroeder, EdD, MSW, Executive Director, Answer, a national sexuality education organization based at Rutgers University.  “They get a lot of misinformation about sex and what it’s supposed to be like. And as a result they think that if they take drugs, if they drink, that’s going to make them feel less nervous.”

Take this quiz to sharpen your talking skills.

2. Take a moment. What if your teen asks a question that shocks you? Dr. Schroeder suggests saying, “‘You know, that’s a great question.‘ or ‘I gotta tell you, I’m not sure if you’re being serious right now but I need a minute.‘” Then regain your composure and return to the conversation.

Learn how to handle personal questions from your teen like: “How old were you when you first had sex?” and “Have you ever used drugs?”

3. Be the source of accurate information. Beyond many school health classes, teens have lots of questions about drugs, pregnancy, condoms, abstinence and oral sex.

Find out what one mom discovered when she sat in on her daughter’s sex ed class.

4. Explain the consequences. Since teen brains aren’t wired yet for consequential thinking and impulse control, it’s important to have frank discussions with your teens about the ramifications of unprotected sex and the importance of using condoms to prevent the spread of STDs, HIV and unwanted pregnancy.

Find out how to guide your child toward healthy risks instead of dangerous ones.

5. Help your child figure out what’s right and wrong. Teens need — and want– limits.  When it comes to things like sexuality, drugs and alcohol, they want to know what the rules and consequences are.

6. Use teachable moments. Watch TV shows (like “16 and Pregnant,”  “Teen Mom,” “Jersey Shore” and “Greek”), movies, commercials, magazine ads and the news with your teen and ask “What did you think about that?” “What did you notice about how these characters interacted?”  “What did you think about the decisions they made?” For us, one of the best ways to talk about a number of heavy topics was to take a drive — that way we weren’t face-to-face.

7.  Explain yourself. Teens need to hear your rationale and why you feel the way you do. One approach is to talk about sex, drugs and alcohol in the context of your family’s values and beliefs.

One of the most challenging moments for me was when my daughters brought up the subject of intercourse.  I explained that my hope was they would not do it until they were in a committed, mutually caring relationship and that it would be a choice, not an attempt to hold onto a relationship and that it would be mutually satisfying.

8. Talk about “sexting.” Texting sexual images and messages is more prevalent than you may think. Read more.

9. Remember how you felt. I know when I started puberty I had many thoughts, feelings and questions that weren’t discussed in my family. Things like body changes, feelings of attraction, acne, weight gain, emotional confusion and the desire to push your parents away.  I wanted to help my daughters avoid that confusion.  I wanted them to understand early on that puberty is a hardwired, biological change that happens to all humans so they become interested in sex for the purposes of procreation. It’s natural to have impulses and feelings that are part and parcel to puberty. Teens don’t have control over these feelings and impulses, but they do have control over whether they act on them.

10. Persevere. Dr. Schroeder warns that your teenager may not want to talk — he or she may shrug and walk away. “Adolescents are supposed to behave in that way when inside what they’re really saying is ‘Keep talking to me about this. I need to know what you think. I’m trying to figure this out for myself as a teenager and if I don’t get messages from you, then I’m not going to know how to do this,’” she explains.

• 	Posted by: Lisa Frederiksen | 2 Comment(s)	Print This Post
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Parents! In case you didn’t see our July Parent E-mail, here it is. If you’d like to receive tips, tools and guidance for raising your tween, teen or young adult, please sign up for our monthly parent e-mail.

Hello Fellow Parents & Caregivers,

I’m Lisa Frederiksen, researcher, writer, speaker and consultant — and proud mom of two young adults.

Today, let’s talk about sex. You might not want to think so, but sex, drugs and alcohol are linked in several ways for today’s teenagers.

According to a Kaiser Family Foundation study, among 15-17 year olds, 51% say that they are personally concerned that they might “do more” sexually than they planned to because they were drinking or using drugs.

Teen sex, drugs and alcohol are often connected because developmentally, teens are at a time in their lives when they take risks. How are they linked?

* Teens drink or take drugs to feel less nervous about sex.

* Teens may engage in risky sexual behaviors while high or drunk — exposing them to risk of pregnancy or sexually-transmitted diseases.

When teens use drugs or drink alcohol their thought process is affected so it’s difficult for them to think straight and make healthy, smart decisions. I have heard many stories first-hand while researching my books where a young person’s life has been completely undone by unwanted, unplanned and/or unprotected sexual encounters — often involving drugs and alcohol.

What Parents Can Do

It’s normal to feel uneasy about talking to your teen about sex, drugs and alcohol. (I know I certainly did.) Here are 10 tips that may help you:

1. Talk early and talk often about sex. “Teens are thinking about sex from early adolescence and they’re very nervous about it,” explains Elizabeth Schroeder, EdD, MSW, Executive Director, Answer, a national sexuality education organization based at Rutgers University. “They get a lot of misinformation about sex and what it’s supposed to be like. And as a result they think that if they take drugs, if they drink, that’s going to make them feel less nervous.”

Take this quiz to sharpen your talking skills.

2. Take a moment. What if your teen asks a question that shocks you? Dr. Schroeder suggests saying, “‘You know, that’s a great question.’ or ‘I gotta tell you, I’m not sure if you’re being serious right now but I need a minute.’” Then regain your composure and return to the conversation.

Learn how to handle personal questions from your teen like: “How old were you when you first had sex?” and “Have you ever used drugs?”

3. Be the source of accurate information. Beyond many school health classes, teens have lots of questions about drugs, pregnancy, condoms, abstinence and oral sex.

Find out what one mom discovered when she sat in on her daughter’s sex ed class.

4. Explain the consequences. Since teen brains aren’t wired yet for consequential thinking and impulse control, it’s important to have frank discussions with your teens about the ramifications of unprotected sex and the importance of using condoms to prevent the spread of STDs, HIV and unwanted pregnancy. (Approximately one in four sexually active teens contracts an STD every year.)

Find out how to guide your child toward healthy risks instead of dangerous ones.

*** Read all 10 Tips for talking with your teen about sex, drugs and alcohol. ***

So, the the main message is when it comes to sex, drugs and drinking? Start talking, keep talking and talk some more. You want to reinforce healthy messages and values and help your teens develop the skills that they need to avoid unhealthy and unsafe situations. And more importantly, you want to be the one they come to for answers.

Good luck!

Lisa Frederiksen

Mother of 2 daughters, ages 24 & 22

Researcher, writer, speaker, consultant

Decoder blogger for The Partnership at Drugfree.org

P.S. I’d like to share with you an exclusive offer for new and existing Time To Get Help community members.  Join this month and receive 15% off your next Target order (online)! One lucky mom or dad also has a chance to win a $500 gift basket from Target! Click here to learn more.

Parents! In case you didn’t see our July Parent E-mail, here it is. If you’d like to receive tips, tools and guidance for raising your tween, teen or young adult, please sign up for our monthly parent e-mail.

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Robbery charges or get clean? That was the ultimatum that helped actor and star of Glee Cory Monteith to his sobriety.

According Sunday’s Parade, Cory Monteith, star of the hit musical-comedy-drama Glee, reveals that he had a serious drug problem as a teen.

At 13, he was skipping school, getting drunk and smoking marijuana. By 16, his drug problem had escalated to where he was using “anything and everything as much as possible.”

After getting treatment and relapsing, his turning point came after he confessed to stealing a large sum of money from a relative. Monteith admits that coming clean about the theft was “the first honorable, truthful thing that had come out of my mouth in years.” In lieu of robbery charges, he chose to get clean.

Now at 29, Monteith admits, “I’m lucky on so many counts – I’m lucky to be alive.”

His one piece of advice to teens? Monteith says, “I don’t want kids to think it’s okay to drop out of school and get high, and they’ll be famous actors, too … But for those people who might give up: Get real about what you want and go after it.”

Photo credit: Wenn.com

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When I went away to Camp Winona when I was 11, my mom sent me letters that began, “My Dearest Darling Daughter.”  I cringed and hid the letters away so that nobody could see how weird my mother was. But when my daughter went away to camp, I found myself starting her letters in the same way. She never mentioned anything about her letters, just as I never mentioned how embarrassed I was by mine.  Deep down, though, it made me feel loved and I hope it had the same impact on my daughter. 

As much as we may protest when we are teenagers that we will never be like our mothers, there are times now that I suddenly notice that I’m doing something she used to do. Mother’s Day is a perfect time to reflect on those little things that our mothers did that we now unconsciously do.  When I gave it a little thought, I realized that I am a lot like her in ways I never considered.

• I didn’t like reading when I was a teenager. But one of my most vivid memories is of my mom sitting on the couch reading. There was a stack of books on the end table at all times. Today I am an avid reader, and my kids have made comments about the books that are always on my night stand. They don’t read anything that isn’t required for school right now, but I feel confident that one day they will.
• I steer a car like her. She had a particular way of maneuvering the steering wheel, and when my daughter asked me why I steer that way, it was the first time I realized that I got it from mom. Now that she is learning to drive, I am having to change my habit because it’s not the way they teach steering in driver’s ed.
• My mom somehow seemed to know everything I was up to. I finally figured out that she talked with other parents. Not all of it was bad. She told me how proud she was that I was the only one among my friends who wasn’t smoking at a restaurant one night, according to her friend who saw me there. So, like my mom, I make a point to talk to other parents in our community because they are a fountain of information about how my kids behave out in the world. I get a certain sense of smug satisfaction when my kids wonder, “How do you know that?”

I asked my girlfriends how they are like their moms, and I have to share my favorite response from my friend Diana. When she was in college she seldom had contact with her mom.  Her mom threatened to have postcards made with her picture saying, “Do you know this woman?” 

Now that Di’s son is in college, she unabashedly said the same thing to him. And he responded the same way she did -- he ignored her. But she’s not worried. She now has a wonderfully close relationship with her mom and always stays in touch. I suspect that a college freshman many years from now will get a postcard with Ben’s picture asking, “Do you know this man?”

I hope that you will give your mom the gift of telling her how she has influenced you on this Mother’s Day. Someday your kids might surprise you and do the same for you!

How are you like your mom?  Are there things you said you’d never do like her that you find yourself doing now?

• 	Posted by: Tari Marshall | 0 Comment(s)	Print This Post
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