Our two children are now in their early adulthood – and they seem to be doing pretty well. We now have civil conversations, spend time together sharing similar interests, and occasionally confide in each other on personal matters.

But their teenage years were no picnic. They had rebellious streaks (refusing to attend family outings with the extended family). There were big challenges (trying to convince one of our girls that the boyfriend she was falling for was a very bad influence and would soon disappoint her, which he did). At times, the girls were pains (my other daughter got a citation for sneaking into a drive-in theater, which required that she and both us parents attend “intervention” classes as part of the penalty.)

As crazy and upsetting as things got with two teens in the house, what really helped me and my wife cope was (More…)

• 	Posted by: Ken Winters, Ph.D. | 3 Comment(s)
  	Share this : del.icio.us |  Digg |  Facebook  |  Newsvine

Just read this fantastic guest blog on Lisa Belkin’s Motherlode (New York Times). This brave mother, Janice Lynch Schuster, has two teens currently battling what she figuratively refers to as a “big black snake” – or, as it is more commonly known, drug and alcohol addiction. I’m sure that most parents who have watched their children struggle with a drug problem would agree that Schuster is right on target when she compares addiction to a scary – and possibly deadly –snake.

Facing her children’s drug problems, she writes, used to paralyze her. Even when she wanted to confront the monster, she was reduced to ineffectively yelling, taking away things that her kids could just get more of, and convincing herself that drug use was simply a rite of passage for teens. But luckily, Schuster finally got strong enough to intervene and get help for both her addicted children. Here’s a great quote from the post:

“I insisted that first one child and then another be admitted to a substance-abuse recovery program, a residential program that specializes in treating children, like mine, who are alcoholics and drug addicts. Just writing that is painful and foreign; it is as difficult as speaking in the snake’s tongue. The language of addiction is full of loss — lost opportunities, lost lives, lost potential, lost families, lost time. Now both children are in what is called recovery — they have been clean and sober, one for about eight weeks and the other for scarcely more than two.”

For those of you who can relate to Schuster’s story, I highly encourage you to check out Intervene, our newly launched blog here at the Partnership. We’re so proud of Intervene because it’s more than just a website – it’s a supportive community of parents and caring adults concerned about a beloved teen or young adult’s drug use. Right now, we have some very inspiring guest bloggers posting, including two authors with new books out and one wonderful woman who has been running marathons all over the world to raise funds and awareness for drug addiction and treatment.

And remember, you can also visit our website TimeToAct if you suspect or know your teenager is using drugs. TimeToAct has tips on how to initiate a conversation and get your child help.

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 2 Comment(s)
  	Share this : del.icio.us |  Digg |  Facebook  |  Newsvine

Recently, we had a scary incident occur at school for our 12-year-old son, Adam, that merits sharing.

At the beginning of the school year, Adam’s first year in middle school, he befriended a boy I wasn’t completely comfortable with for various reasons (we’ll call the boy Joe). Adam, a kid with a big heart who befriends just about everyone, genuinely liked Joe and hung out with him. I remained cautious, but allowed him to invite Joe over from time to time. I shared my concern and how I felt about Joe with Adam, but it was hard to argue with my son because he truly liked this child and didn’t have any real reason not to.

Then, months went by and we didn’t see Joe. I asked Adam about it and he said he didn’t feel comfortable around him anymore. I wasn’t about to argue with him since I was uncomfortable around him as well, but felt better knowing Adam could sense something wasn’t right.
(More…)

• 	Posted by: Tara Paterson | 2 Comment(s)
  	Share this : del.icio.us |  Digg |  Facebook  |  Newsvine

Doesn’t it seem like we’re getting hit with a lot of bad news these days? Well, here’s some good news to brighten your day: Little Leaguers are in agreement that use of performance-enhancing substances is bad.

Sure, they don’t seem to entirely comprehend the health risks of using steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs. But your 11- and 12-year-old boys do know what has gone on, and they’re very clear that they don’t like it. Many Little Leaguers say that they’re disappointed with their favorite players, and some even call those under scrutiny “cheaters.” But more importantly, these young players are vowing not to let performance-enhancing substances affect their own lives. Baseball leagues across the country are having their players wear “I Won’t Cheat” patches and pledge to remain clean.

But remember, parents, just because your kids are in the know about pop culture doesn’t mean you should let a teachable moment pass you by. Try discussing with your kids not just cheating, but also the physical and emotional toll steroids can have on the body. And be conscious not to be too hard on your kid’s hero - the Little Leaguers mentioned in the article above agreed that the pros “messed up,” but they also believe the players deserve a second chance.

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 0 Comment(s)
  	Share this : del.icio.us |  Digg |  Facebook  |  Newsvine

Sexting, the act of sending suggestive electronic text and/or picture messages, is something parents must be aware of – and talk to their kids about.   If your child has a cell phone and is 10 or above, you need to have this conversation with them.  Check out the facts below — and the related links – for facts and tips on talking:

How many young adults are sending or posting nude or semi-nude images of themselves?
33% of young adults overall
36% of young adult women
31% of young adult men

How many teens say they have sent/posted nude or semi-nude pictures or video of themselves?
20% of teens overall
22% of teen girls
18% of teen boys
11% of young teen girls (ages 13-16)

Sexually suggestive messages (text, email, IM) are even more prevalent than sexually suggestive images. How many teens are sending or posting sexually suggestive messages?
(More…)

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 0 Comment(s)
  	Share this : del.icio.us |  Digg |  Facebook  |  Newsvine

I wore a burgundy, floor-length halter dress, gold dangle earrings, jasmine perfume. My date sported a black tux with silver cufflinks and a white shirt. On my wrist a white corsage, my hair in a loose chignon. We had 8pm dinner reservations at Linq, I ordered the blood orange and beet salad.

My prom was six years ago almost to the day and I remember everything. Prom is a big deal. At the time, I did not think it would be, but those memories are very strong (maybe even more so than graduation day). So, I have a few tips for parents who have juniors and seniors getting ready for their big night and want to make it special and safe.

1) Let Them Work Out a Plan — But Make Sure They Actually Have a Plan
Teens are such procrastinators when it comes to corsages, limos, tickets and after-parties. The key here is to let your kids plan it independently so they feel like it is their night, but just make sure they do it early enough and have thought about all the details. This works really well in a list format. Instead of nagging them about it, I would just tell them you saw this list on a website for teens planning proms (a little white lie never hurt anyone) and thought it might help them and leave it on their desk or bulletin board:

(More…)

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 4 Comment(s)
  	Share this : del.icio.us |  Digg |  Facebook  |  Newsvine

A few weeks ago, my kids were home from school for a snow day and joined some others on the hill behind our house to sled.  About noon, my phone rang. The woman on the other end proceeded to tell me how my son had been using terrible language that morning; saying things that an 11 year old shouldn’t — horrifying things that her 9-year-old daughter had never heard before. 

This mother had little trouble repeating outright the exact swear words that were allegedly said (one was a line from a movie my son had just seen); and then added, “he asked my daughter if she knew what a virgin was!” She continued to attack my son — and demanded to know what I was going to do about it.

At this point, my blood pressure was rising fast.  But I remained calm and told her, “I will take care of it.” 

I hung up and went searching for my son.  I was noticeably upset, near tears.  Several thoughts swirled through my mind as I thought about how we don’t say things like that in our house; how we’re so careful about what they are exposed to; and how I am the author of a parenting book coming out in a few months — how can this be happening? 

My son had a friend with him who I immediately sent home. Then I went to my room to ponder what to do next.  I was disappointed, hurt and embarrassed — my ego was getting the best of me.  I recalled some of my parent coach studies which shed light on how we care too much about what other people think, how we take their opinion to heart when they reference our method of parenting, and how we immediately believe adults over our own children.  This gave me some strength to have a conversation and I calmly returned to my son.

By now he was in tears and eager to tell me what happened.  At first I wasn’t convinced he was being truthful, because I knew he repeated the line from the movie, but when he told me the whole story I intuitively knew he wasn’t lying. 

He explained how his friend who had been with him said most of the words in question, including the virgin inquiry.  My son admitted he did repeat the line from the movie, but in the context of the movie not in an inappropriate manner and not to the other kids.  He went on to tell me that the stuff coming out of this woman’s daughter’s mouth was far worse than anything they said — which was later confirmed by my younger son.

My son was especially upset that he had been accused of saying things he didn’t say so this is where I tried to turn the situation into a learning experience: 

“This is where “guilt by association” gets you into trouble,” I explained.

“But it’s not fair,” he pleaded.  “I didn’t say those things.”

“I understand, but they know who you are and you’re the name they know.”

“Well that’s stupid.  That’s judging a book by its cover.” 

And I have to agree.

In my mind there are two approaches you can take with your kids.  You can teach them to be accountable for their actions and talk with them openly and honestly about whatever the situation is. Or you can point the finger without having all of the facts.  Unfortunately, a lot of parents choose the latter.

Whether we want to admit it or not, our children will do and say things we don’t approve of when they’re with their friends.  Whether they are trying to sound cool, reciting a provocative line from a movie, or trying to impress older kids to fit in, they are prone to acting differently than the way we’ve taught them to behave. 

I have been a witness to many instances where kids have said and done things their parents would never have believed their child would do.  Don’t be fooled into thinking your child isn’t one of those kids, because as the old saying goes — kids will be kids.

• 	Posted by: Tara Paterson | 4 Comment(s)
  	Share this : del.icio.us |  Digg |  Facebook  |  Newsvine

It’s occurred to me lately that my 3-year-old son has developed a somewhat alarmingly unhealthy relationship with cherry-flavored children’s Tylenol. He asks for it when his nose is stuffy or when he has a sore throat. Other times he will claim that more unusual body parts are giving him trouble. His bellybutton say, or occasionally his hair. I’ve always just chalked it up to the fact that he loves the flavor, a sickeningly sweet concoction containing enough sugar and brilliant red dye to send any child into momentary raptures of hyperactive joy. 

Lately, however, I’ve become a bit concerned because his preoccupation with treating ailments with medications has begun to expand beyond the aforementioned red goop. If I complain that I have a headache, he’ll immediately ask if I plan to take something for it. When his back was itching the other night, he called out from his bed to ask if I had any medicine that would “scratch it” for him. It’s obvious that he’s already made a strong connection between physical ailments and chemical solutions and what’s even more upsetting to me, is tha this is completely my fault.

I’ve been clean and sober for eight years now but I’m the first to admit that even though I haven’t ingested anything stronger than Benadryl in all that time, I still have the mind of an addict. If something hurts, I take something. I’ve never fooled myself about this and there are times when I pop an Advil, that I am perfectly aware that my reasons for doing it are just as much psychological as they are physical. I never dwelled on it much, however, as I always figured that in terms of important issues to deal with, I had bigger fish to fry. If it makes me feel better to take an antihistamine after a couple sneezes, well it’s certainly the lesser of a bazillion other lurking evils.

Now that I’m pregnant and the only medicine remaining on the shelf is a bottle of Tylenol (which trust me, I have not neglected), this dependence has become even more glaringly obvious to me. Last month I had a nasty cold and spent many a waking hour lamenting the lack of Alka-Seltzer Cold Plus in my life. The crazy thing being, that even as I pined for the fizzy remedy, I admitted to myself that it had never really helped that much to begin with. I just wanted to take something.

It is now clear to me that my son has noticed this and that my attitude toward medicine is making a quick descent down the branches of the family tree. I realized the other day that although I’m always quick to appear with the noxious red syrup and a teaspoon at the first sign of any complaint on his part, I have never really sat down and talked with him about the purposes of medicine, and that while it can be very helpful, it can also be very harmful. I suppose that I always thought he was still too young but now I’m not so sure. I freak out if a man sits down next to us at the bus stop while smoking a cigarette but don’t think twice about running to the medicine cabinet at the first sign of a stuffy nose (and this, despite the fact that I’m well aware that there is not even any real evidence to show that these medicines work in young children). Something’s wrong with this picture.

Despite the fact that there are plenty of guidelines about how to talk to young children about smoking, drinking and illegal drugs, there is very little information out there about how to talk to young children about OTC (over-the-counter) medications. I find this surprising as it seems doubly important to talk to them about the substances that they see and are in some cases, already ingesting on a regular basis.

This is especially crucial in light of the fact that adolescent abuse of both prescription and OTC medications (such as cough syrup) has been on the rise in recent years. What’s more, studies show that although more parents are discussing the risks of alcohol and illegal drugs, for the most part, they are still not talking about the very real dangers of OTC and prescription drug abuse.

My son is only 3 but it is now clear to me that I am setting a dangerous precedent for him and that something needs to change in my whole approach towards medication. Any suggestions are welcome!

• 	Posted by: Johanna Bailey | 11 Comment(s)
  	Share this : del.icio.us |  Digg |  Facebook  |  Newsvine

Oh, to be the parent of a tween! 

Last week my son came home from school and after settling in, sat down at the kitchen table and said, “Mom, what’s an abortion?” 

At this point, I am used to the open conversations we have about these sorts of topics, but it never ceases to amaze me the things kids in middle school are exposed to today.  To think, when I was his age we were just beginning to be taught about puberty and the anatomical differences between boys and girls.

He shared that his Family Life teacher isn’t allowed to discuss this topic in detail, but encouraged the kids to ask someone they trust.  I felt honored, once again, to know he will come to me about anything and isn’t embarrassed to ask questions.  We talked about it for a while and he shared the other topics touched upon in class and then he went off on his way.  Whew, one more conversation under my belt!

A week later, while having dinner, he casually said, “I can’t believe the kinds of things kids in seventh grade are doing.”  I looked at him wide-eyed and asked, “So, what are they doing?” 

“It’s gross,” he answered.
 
“Ah, I know what you’re talking about,” I said. (Mother’s intuition.)  He wasn’t convinced, but I assured him that I did and it was something we would talk about later.  He tested me, though, to see if I truly understood — he asked me to say the acronym for it; which I correctly answered, “BJ.” 

He accepted this and explained, “She’s my friend and I told her not to do it.” 

“That’s good,” I said. “You should encourage her to refrain from doing things she doesn’t really understand.” 

“Oh, we have,” he said.  “All of her friends have.”
 
At this point I couldn’t go much further into the conversation, because our younger children were at the table, but what a reality check, once again, about the things are kids are talking about at such a young age.
 
So where does this leave parents — and what should we do?

1.) We have to allow our children the space to discuss these things with us, because if they don’t feel they can trust their parents enough to discuss these topics, they will seek answers elsewhere. (And very likely get incorrect information.)

One of the things I learned at the Internet Safety presentation I attended and wrote about earlier, was how children will seek answers to their questions and if a parent isn’t willing or present to have these conversations, someone preying on children will be more than willing to fulfill that role; kids will often go to the internet to find these things out.  We may think our children are too young and have the greatest of intention about protecting their innocence, but the reality is this is what they’re facing in today’s world.

2.) Support your child’s curiosity about topics such as these even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.  Be honest and let them know how you feel about the impact this has on young people, but refrain from judgment about it. 

Kids are naturally curious at this age, but if they have an open line of communication with you, their parent, and you express how you feel in a loving, supportive way, they will remember to respect your advice when faced with tough choices.  The first line of defense for children is our role as a parent.  We have to honor their desire to know things and trust our intuition about how to parent our child, but most importantly we have to be honest with them about how we feel and the impact this can have on their life.

3.) Don’t allow your imagination to take over and assume your kids are going to try something because you’ve discussed it with them.  Be the FIRST one to talk about it with them!

Oftentimes when a parent sits down and has an honest conversation about difficult topics, kids are more prone to listen to what the parent has to say and in some ways becomes turned off by the idea.  If a child talks to a friend or someone on the internet about sex, drugs or alcohol, it can become glorified and made into something exciting.  This is more likely going to peak the child’s curiosity and desire to try it.

Unfortunately, it has become much more difficult for parents today to raise children in a safe, innocent environment, but we can provide a solid, secure foundation for their growth and development.  We have to pay attention to what they’re doing, learning, and who they’re getting their information from.  Be the first line of defense for your child.

I recently began a blog on technology and child safety to share resources and information on a variety of issues our tweens and teens are facing.  I have also included links to blogs, articles and support tools to assist parents with becoming educated and empowered with how to protect their children. 

• 	Posted by: Tara Paterson | 2 Comment(s)
  	Share this : del.icio.us |  Digg |  Facebook  |  Newsvine