Oh, to be the parent of a tween! 

Last week my son came home from school and after settling in, sat down at the kitchen table and said, “Mom, what’s an abortion?” 

At this point, I am used to the open conversations we have about these sorts of topics, but it never ceases to amaze me the things kids in middle school are exposed to today.  To think, when I was his age we were just beginning to be taught about puberty and the anatomical differences between boys and girls.

He shared that his Family Life teacher isn’t allowed to discuss this topic in detail, but encouraged the kids to ask someone they trust.  I felt honored, once again, to know he will come to me about anything and isn’t embarrassed to ask questions.  We talked about it for a while and he shared the other topics touched upon in class and then he went off on his way.  Whew, one more conversation under my belt!

A week later, while having dinner, he casually said, “I can’t believe the kinds of things kids in seventh grade are doing.”  I looked at him wide-eyed and asked, “So, what are they doing?” 

“It’s gross,” he answered.
 
“Ah, I know what you’re talking about,” I said. (Mother’s intuition.)  He wasn’t convinced, but I assured him that I did and it was something we would talk about later.  He tested me, though, to see if I truly understood — he asked me to say the acronym for it; which I correctly answered, “BJ.” 

He accepted this and explained, “She’s my friend and I told her not to do it.” 

“That’s good,” I said. “You should encourage her to refrain from doing things she doesn’t really understand.” 

“Oh, we have,” he said.  “All of her friends have.”
 
At this point I couldn’t go much further into the conversation, because our younger children were at the table, but what a reality check, once again, about the things are kids are talking about at such a young age.
 
So where does this leave parents — and what should we do?

1.) We have to allow our children the space to discuss these things with us, because if they don’t feel they can trust their parents enough to discuss these topics, they will seek answers elsewhere. (And very likely get incorrect information.)

One of the things I learned at the Internet Safety presentation I attended and wrote about earlier, was how children will seek answers to their questions and if a parent isn’t willing or present to have these conversations, someone preying on children will be more than willing to fulfill that role; kids will often go to the internet to find these things out.  We may think our children are too young and have the greatest of intention about protecting their innocence, but the reality is this is what they’re facing in today’s world.

2.) Support your child’s curiosity about topics such as these even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.  Be honest and let them know how you feel about the impact this has on young people, but refrain from judgment about it. 

Kids are naturally curious at this age, but if they have an open line of communication with you, their parent, and you express how you feel in a loving, supportive way, they will remember to respect your advice when faced with tough choices.  The first line of defense for children is our role as a parent.  We have to honor their desire to know things and trust our intuition about how to parent our child, but most importantly we have to be honest with them about how we feel and the impact this can have on their life.

3.) Don’t allow your imagination to take over and assume your kids are going to try something because you’ve discussed it with them.  Be the FIRST one to talk about it with them!

Oftentimes when a parent sits down and has an honest conversation about difficult topics, kids are more prone to listen to what the parent has to say and in some ways becomes turned off by the idea.  If a child talks to a friend or someone on the internet about sex, drugs or alcohol, it can become glorified and made into something exciting.  This is more likely going to peak the child’s curiosity and desire to try it.

Unfortunately, it has become much more difficult for parents today to raise children in a safe, innocent environment, but we can provide a solid, secure foundation for their growth and development.  We have to pay attention to what they’re doing, learning, and who they’re getting their information from.  Be the first line of defense for your child.

I recently began a blog on technology and child safety to share resources and information on a variety of issues our tweens and teens are facing.  I have also included links to blogs, articles and support tools to assist parents with becoming educated and empowered with how to protect their children. 

• 	Posted by: Tara Paterson | 2 Comment(s)
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I’ve noticed a bit of a trend over the past several months.  In talking with parents, and especially folks in the news media who are parents, they seem to be more and more attuned to issues like online predators and sexual content on the web that place their kids at risk.  They also see all the spam their own in-boxes hawking prescription drugs online.  They know talking with their kids about all this is important.

When I raise the issue of also guarding against their kids being exposed to online drug content, pro-drug use websites and literally instructive “how to” videos on binge drinking and drug use that popping up across the net, there is a level of disbelief that’s remarkable.  Sex they know. Bad guys they get.  Yet the idea that there are people out there promoting drug abuse to their kids, showing them how in exacting detail, celebrating being wrecked, just seems a degree too far out.   “That CAN’T be possible!”  “That CAN’T be legal?”  “WHO would be that stupid?” Sorry…

Nielsen Online recently did a study that looked at video streams viewed online by a sample of 13 to 18 year olds across the country.  In June 2008 alone, nearly one million teens viewed online videos promoting alcohol and drug use.  The folks at the Center for Substance Abuse Research at the University of Maryland sum up the data this way, “Of the 1.2 million substance-related videos viewed by teens, 39% portrayed explicit use of alcohol or other drugs and/or intoxication. In addition, the majority (85%) of these videos had comments posted that promoted substance use. The survey also found that more than one-third (35%) of viewers of all substance-related videos were younger than 16, and females were more likely than males to watch these videos (57% vs. 43%).”

So, as a parent or caring adult, what do we do?  We have to realize that for all of the greatness and richness brought to our lives via the web, there is also the potential for harm.  Practical tips include:  1) Be clear and consistent with your kids about what online content is out of bounds.  2) Be familiar with the digital devices and web tools your kids use.  3) Keep computers in common areas of your home — family room or other central location — and limit the time your kids spend online.  4) Visit your teen’s personal blog, web site, favorite social networking sites or other postings.  5) Pay attention to the history, cookies and other tracking on your computer.

These are by no means all of the potential courses a parent can take, but the essential fact is that your child can be and is exposed to an extraordinary volume of pro-drinking, pro-drugging content on the web.  Monitoring your child plays a key role.  We need to both know and accept this is happening right now. With that knowledge we can each begin to take our own steps to safeguard our children.

What are your tips for protecting kids from dangerous online content?

• 	Posted by: Steve Pasierb | 3 Comment(s)
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Teens love to talk: they love to talk online, on AIM, on the phone, at school, after-school, at the mall, in the car, behind their friends back – what on earth are they talking about? And why does sudden lock-jaw occur when parents are within a five foot radius?

I decided to see what the most popular calls were at a hotline called Teenline (where teens call in to get help from other teenagers). So what are the most popular issues? What do teens today really worry about? And why aren’t these issues brought up more with parents, counselors and teachers who can actually give advice and seek help?

1) Relationships
Teens frequently want to talk to other teens about relationships with parents, siblings, friends and teachers. This is a broad topic I know, but interactions, building relationships and friendships are extremely important to teenagers.

2) Abuse
This includes sexual, physical, verbal and neglect as types of abuse. Many teens call in for ‘friends’ or people they know who are being abused to talk about what abuse actually means. Frequently, teens want to know where is the line between parents who are yelling and verbal abuse? What are the laws on spanking children?

3) Sex
Despite the attempts of many school health classes, teens have lots of questions about pregnancy, condoms, abstinence and oral sex.

4) Drugs and Alcohol
Issues with addiction and parties come up for teens when they know of friends who might be dealing or using drugs — or concerns about their own use.

5) Suicide
Unfortunately, a great number of teens think, worry about or know someone who is considering suicide. Many times teens feel isolated and alone and need someone to talk to, but do not know where to turn when they might get in trouble or have to divulge secrets they are not ready to tell.

Surprisingly, Teenline gets an equal number of male and female callers. All kinds of teens today are dealing with these issues, not just girls, not just poor kids, not just rich kids, not just kids in private school…everyone is dealing with these important, and sometimes very serious issues.

For parents, maybe you are wondering — why your teen does not talk to you about these things. Teens feel uncomfortable talking to adults because they feel they will not understand what is going on for them today, they are afraid they will get in trouble and worry that they will be judged.

Therefore, it is important for adults to be aware that even though teens might not act like drugs or sex is a big deal to them, they do actually worry about these issues.
 

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 2 Comment(s)
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Last night I attended a fantastic presentation in Fairfax County, VA by an organization called Enough Is Enough. Their mission is to “Make the internet safer for children and their families.”  The tools and resources they have compiled for parents over the past two years are invaluable; the intensity of the information is scary; and the message is critical to the safety of our children and their future.  So what can you do as a parent to be the first line of defense for your child?

I used breakfast time this morning to chat with my oldest son about some of the things I learned.  To my surprise he was interested and attentive to the information I had to share. 

One thing I learned is that 7 out of 10 youth have been exposed to some form of inappropriate content and 79% of it is viewed in the home.  My son confided he had seen an image while at a friend’s house and luckily, he didn’t feel ashamed or scared to tell me. I reassured him it is totally normal for a young person to want to see a naked woman (or man) and when approached in a healthy manner there is nothing wrong with the desire to know or understand more about how the sexual body works. 

Parents fear having these conversations with their children either out of their own embarrassment or discomfort about their children having knowledge about sex.  The problem is, kids do “know” about sex and have access to information about it at their fingertips and what they can’t easily find an answer to they will gladly ask a stranger who will be more than happy to provide an answer for them and often not in the manner in which a parent would approve of.

The first line of defense a parent can rely on starts with the bond they establish with their child.  Children who don’t have trust with a caregiver are more vulnerable than children who are connected. 

Second is the need for parents to become educated about what their tweens and teens are exposed to or have access to.  Just because a child tells you they aren’t doing something doesn’t mean it’s true.  Pay attention to their actions or behavior or what I like to call- tuning into your child (using your intuition).  Educate yourself about social networks, texting, IMing, and other online activities your teen engages in.  If you aren’t aware of the potential dangers your children will face, how will you know how to respond?

Finally, don’t be afraid to be the parent.  Oftentimes we work hard to be our children’s friends when what they need is someone who will establish boundaries and be their parent.  It’s one way kids know their parents love and care for them.  Ask questions, set limits, be invasive if the situation warrants; take back your authority as the experienced adult in the house, but always remember to be respectful, listen and encourage your child to be open and honest with you about whatever they need to talk about.

The fact is kids are going to be curious and they will find away to satisfy their curiosity.  As parents, we need to teach them how to manage the information they receive so they can make the right choices. 
 

• 	Posted by: Tara Paterson | 8 Comment(s)
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Let me make it clear that by no means am I a prude and in general I spend very little time (perhaps too little) worrying about how sex, drugs and the like are represented in popular media. (Maybe part of the reason I don’t think about it all that much is because my son is only three and therefore, the years when I won’t be able to just turn off whatever I don’t want to expose him to seem like some far off time in the distant future when kids dress in silver jumpsuits and are hovering off to high school on flying scooters.) When my son’s not around I listen to explicit rap music and I’ve been an ardent fan of more graphic TV shows such as The Wire for years now.

Despite this, on a recent visit back the U.S.A. (I’ve been living abroad for over five years now), I started watching a little hit show I’m sure you all know about called Gossip Girl and for the first time in ages, I found myself to be, well, shocked.

From what I can gather, Gossip Girl is to the current generation of teens what Beverly Hills 90210 was to mine or what The O.C. was to the one that came after. We all know the story- a bunch of privileged, good-looking adolescents who don’t say “um” nearly as much as any teenager I’ve ever met, run around having wittyesque conversation while at the same time wrecking constant havoc in each other’s lives. Some of them are good and some of them are evil while others are just misunderstood. Every so often the evil ones will do something likable just to keep us on our toes and the good ones will feel misunderstood and then the misunderstood ones will try to help and so on and so forth.

Gossip Girl is what happens when you take this formula and then put it on steroids with a shot of coke, literally. Of course there were drugs on 90210 and The O.C. There was also sex and eating disorders and kids with drinking problems. The difference is that on 90210, and to a somewhat lesser extent on The O.C., these things were treated as issues that had serious consequences. If someone had a drinking problem it was the focus of an entire episode. In some extreme cases it even took two or three episodes to deal with the problem!

Gossip Girl is different in that getting drunk, using drugs and having sex in high school are merely seen as par for the course. In one episode I watched, “good girl” Serena van der Woodsen is tormented because she has a secret that she is keeping from her boyfriend. Her friends press her to tell them what it is and finally she gives in and starts to confess. It started with the night she got wasted and slept with her best friend’s boyfriend. Later after drunkenly going to a hotel with some friends, she tries to avoid having sex with one of them by suggesting he do a few lines of coke. He does and overdoses at which point her other friend convinces her to flee the scene. Later she watches as his dead body is carried out of the hotel. In short, teenagers getting wasted, sleeping with their best friends’ boyfriends, and doing coke are not enough shock value for today’s teen audience. There now must be a dead body, a cover-up, and oh, did I mention a secret sex tape gone wrong?

How does watching this sort of TV show influence adolescents? Do they just see the rampant sex and drug use as another part of an exaggerated fairy tale world that they’re logically aware is only accessible to .000001% of the population? Is that supposed to make it okay? Dawn Ostroff, president of The CW network seems to think so, telling the New York Times that “Everybody approached this with the understanding that this was a heightened reality… It wasn’t teenagers as we know them throughout the country.” The thing that’s dangerous about this is that while it’s true that the majority of teenagers are unlikely to ever have access to Park Avenue penthouses and designer swimwear; drugs, alcohol and sex are the one part of this fairy tale that every kid in America does have access to.

In an attempt to ward off criticism Stephanie Savage, one of the show’s producers, told the LA Times that people who say that the show “glamorizes teen drinking and sex” aren’t “really watching the episodes… There’s decision-making, regret and consequences involved.” Oh really? Funny because I haven’t really seen any obvious consequences to the martini glass that seems to be permanently attached to bad-boy Chuck Bass’s hand. But maybe I’m just not watching hard enough.

But what is a parent to do? I honestly don’t know. I’m certainly not the first person to make a fuss over the show. The Parents Television Council has been up in arms since the show’s inception, only to have their criticisms turned into a “clever” ad campaign in which quotes from the PTC about the show (”mind-blowingly inappropriate”), are superimposed over steamy images of the half-nude teen characters. In the end, rather than coming off as sensible and caring parents who may have a point, the critics are seen as a bunch of over-reacting fuddy duddies with nothing better to do than promoting censorship. I’m genuinely curious about how parents of adolescents out there are handling this show and others like it. Any good suggestions?

• 	Posted by: Johanna Bailey | 9 Comment(s)
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One complaint I often hear from parents is how their tween or teen lacks responsibility with such things as picking up after themselves; managing their homework; or taking care of other household or personal responsibilities.  I have to admit, this is a challenge I face with my husband, let alone my kids. So how can we encourage our children to develop self-direction — which ultimately impacts the choices they’ll make when it comes to drugs, alcohol, and sex?

To begin with, parents need to set boundaries — not as their kids approach their teen years, but when they are young.  Define parameters for your child that he or she can feel comfortable with but which also allows room to grow. Explain these boundaries so your child understands the reason for them.  Children have a very strong need to express themselves in independent and creative ways and, like adults, don’t like to feel restricted from natural growth and expression.  Oftentimes parents set stringent boundaries out of their own personal fear.  One example of this I see often with clients and friends is the fear of allowing a toddler to climb the stairs.  News flash: kids need to learn how to do it and if you stand back and give them room to figure out how to manage such a feat, not only are you building their confidence, but you are giving them the space they need to grow.

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• 	Posted by: Tara Paterson | 1 Comment(s)
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I never cry while watching movies. But leave it to me to somehow become a choking, snotting, weeping mess in the middle of the theater during the last twenty minutes of Juno, which is, of all things, a comedy.

For those of you who don’t know, Juno depicts the nine months immediately following the 16-year-old title character’s first sexual experience, from the plus sign developing on a home pregnancy test to the moment Juno’s new baby meets his adoptive mother. While the entire film is fantastic, the particular scene that set me off was one in which Juno’s father enters his daughter’s hospital room a few hours after she has given birth. Sitting on a sobbing Juno’s bed, he tenderly tells her, “Someday you’ll be back here, honey. On your terms.” Rarely in movies—or in life—are complex emotions expressed so beautifully in so few words.

What I love about this line and Juno in its entirety is that it wholeheartedly sympathizes with the misguided, love- and attention-seeking teenager, while also fully acknowledging that when it comes to sex, teens often bite off much more than they can chew. Juno is so refreshing because it’s one of the first movies in ages to portray unplanned teen pregnancy not as an apocalyptic occurrence, but simply as another bullet point on the astronomically long list of mistakes that young people make as they reach adulthood. At the same time, the tears shed and problems suffered by all characters throughout the film make it clear that teenage pregnancy does not come without emotional turmoil, from the hurt an expecting mother feels after being called a degrading name to the inexplicable sadness and loneliness a woman experiences after giving up her child. That is why I’m baffled (not to mention disgusted) as to how Juno and other recent releases such as Waitress and Knocked Up can now be criticized for “glamorizing” unplanned pregnancy and for spurring the Gloucester, MA pregnancy phenomenon.      

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• 	Posted by: Jessica Hoffman | 3 Comment(s)
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I begin this blog with a math problem: In your teenager’s school cafeteria, there are 20 tables. Each table seats 12 kids. In the cafeteria there is 1 “popular boys” table and 1 “popular girls” table (unless your child is in high school, in which case, there are 2 “popular co-ed” tables). Based on these numbers, what percentage of the kids in your teenager’s school cafeteria are popular? (Answer: 10%)    

One thing that all parents seem to have in common is the belief that their teens are cool. But, despite the fact that your child has one hundred-twenty-seven Facebook friends and the uncanny ability to speak totes in abbrevs, this simply isn’t true. Based on my calculations (which I suppose aren’t statistically accurate but promise are based on real-life experience), there is a ninety-percent chance that your teen isn’t popular, even if every clue you’re seeing indicates that he or she is the messiah of the entire teeny-bopping kingdom. No matter how many texts your daughter sent last month or how many times your son’s tried to go to school in Abercrombie’s “Smile! I can see your panties!” tee, here’s the reality: your kids just aren’t that cool. 

Which I’m guessing, to you, is a relief, because cool kids drink and try pot and have unsupervised boy-girl slumber parties while un-cool kids hang with their friends and only fantasize about what it must be like to get drunk or get kissed. But you also may be confused about everything I’ve just said. Whenever you try to bring up drugs or alcohol or sex with your teen, he gets all embarrassed and defensive and just “doesn’t wanna talk about it, GOD.” This has led you to believe that he is actually involved in all that risky business, and is probably one of the major reasons you mistakenly thought you had a cool child in the first place. 

It’s counter-intuitive, but look, your teenager spends seven hours a day in an environment where his entire self-image is determined by what “base” he’s gotten to. It’s no wonder his thinking’s a little skewed. His middle-through-high school experience consists of him constantly being judged for ridiculous reasons by other un-cool kids who are just as insecure as he is. So it’s hard for him to remember that in your eyes, he’ll always be your household’s super-hip teen, whether or not he has muscles or a date for the prom. 

There are two “popular kids” tables in the lunch room, and chances are, your teen doesn’t sit at one of them. Every time you mention sex or beer or cigarettes or parties, you probably remind her of that. By all means, bring up the topics—they’re important. But maybe you can do so with a little more sympathy for the unpopular, and a little less fear of what you’ll find.                  

• 	Posted by: Jessica Hoffman | 1 Comment(s)
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So, I found this story on the newswires: 

Sex Ed Can Help Prevent Teen Pregnancy

Comprehensive sex education may help reduce teen pregnancies without increasing levels of sexual intercourse or sexually transmitted diseases.

So find U.S. researchers who reviewed data from a 2002 national survey of more than 1,700 heterosexual teens, ages 15 to 19. 

The findings, published in the April issue of the Journal of Adolescent Health, support comprehensive sex education, concluded Pamela Kohler, the study’s lead author.  “There was no evidence to suggest that abstinence-only education decreased the likelihood of ever having sex or getting pregnant,” she said in a prepared statement.

This study offers “further compelling evidence” about the value of comprehensive sex education and the “ineffectiveness” of the abstinence-only approach, said Don Operario, a sex education expert and professor at Oxford University in England.

And here’s my take:

My daughter, Freckles, is in fifth grade, although she’s only 10, and she recently brought home a notice from school that they’re going to be learning about the changes the body undergoes during puberty - in other words, sex ed.  They’ll be separating the boys and the girls and showing them each different movies, which we as parents are invited to preview.  We are also allowed to opt our kids out of this program entirely.

I plan to preview the movie but mostly to prepare my daughter in case I need to.  I absolutely do not intend to opt her out of sex ed. 

In fact, I’ve been talking to my kids about sex fairly openly and pretty honestly for a long time - in terms and using concepts that are age appropriate.  Mostly this results in a lot of giggling on their part and a lot of blushing on my part.  But, I think it’s important.  Especially since Freckles has been bringing home ideas and terms that she’s picked up from friends who clearly have not been talking to their parents - or to anybody who knows anything.

So, like it or not, they’re hearing about sex whether from friends, videos, commercials, TV shows, the internet or pop music.  Best to get correct information in my opinion.  I honestly don’t know if it will help my kids avoid becoming a teen pregnancy stat, but for sure it can’t hurt.

What do you think?

• 	Posted by: Sarit Catz | 4 Comment(s)
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