Something I see a lot of in my field is the classic (and fraudulent) tactical mistake parents too often make when disciplining their teens. This tactic takes on features that are Ponzi-like in the realm of parenting, which is why I call this strategy “Ponzi Parenting.”

As I’m sure most of you know, in the financial world, a Ponzi scheme is a scam that aims for short-term gain instead of long-term success, setting off a whole series of bad behaviors. Similarly, “Ponzi Parents” try to please their kids — and make life easier for themselves — in the short term, without worrying about larger, and possibly lifelong, negative consequences. 

The main theme of the error is that when parents discipline for the moment and get in the habit of choosing the easy way out, they bank on the short-term gain of pleasing their child and on the hope of avoiding conflict. But keeping children happy doesn’t necessarily mean keeping them safe — and teens in particular, with their crazy hormones and developing brains, need their parents to watch out for their health and wellness. Many parents falsely assume that somewhere down the road, their children will learn hard life lessons on their own, outside the home.

But this short-sided approach eventually sets a bad precedent; it enables children to manipulate their parents, and more importantly, it ultimately hurts children’s long-term development.  As a parent, you are in the best position to teach important, life-lessons to your children!

So what’s an example of Ponzi Parenting? Let’s go with enforcing (or not enforcing) curfew. Let’s say you have a teen, and her curfew is 10 pm. That said, she never actually gets home at 10, but when you try to bring that up, she yells, whines and tells you, “You’re so unfair; you treat me like a little baby!” You decide that enforcing her curfew is not worth the headache, and let her stay out as late as she wants. But when your teen is out past 10, she encounters problems that put her safety at risk — for instance, a friend who’s supposed to drive her home from a party drinking too much alcohol. 

Limits and consequences, I will admit, are certainly not “fun” for anyone. I can’t name any teenager who likes having a curfew, or any parent that enjoys listening to his kid cry — or throw a fit —after a cell phone, car or other fun privilege has been taken away. But when you do away with rules and Ponzi Parent, you teach your kid that bad behavior has no negative results, which simply isn’t true.

And as a parent, you should never fall into the Ponzi Parenting trap when it comes to the issue of drugs and your child. I can’t stress this enough. If your teen tries drugs or alcohol, you must take action immediately, and not wait for him to figure out the dangers of substance use on his own. Set a rule that your kid is not allowed to smoke anything, and actually do something if he comes home from a friend’s house red-eyed and reeking of pot. Missing the next get-together will no doubt make your teen upset, but it will also make him think twice the next time he’s offered a joint!

Want to know the one good thing about Ponzi Parenting? Unlike a real Ponzi scheme, you can get out of old patterns and start fresh any day you choose. Raising kids is a learning process — even if you’re guilty of Ponzi-parenting today, it doesn’t mean that you can’t discuss some limits and possible consequences with your teen tomorrow. And hey, unlike Bernie Madoff, admitting your mistakes is not going to land you in prison, and it may actually help (and amuse!) your child.

• 	Posted by: Ken Winters, Ph.D. | 1 Comment(s)
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“I am free, I am free, I am free!”

I have heard both parents and teens chant this as they pack up the minivan and leave for college.  Yet, parents often watch their kids leave, with tears in their eyes and forget to cover some essential pre-freshman topics. Since it’s now June, and your high school seniors are either graduating soon or have just graduated, I thought I’d share some advice with you so you can use the whole summer to start preparing your teen for college. (More…)

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 2 Comment(s)
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Yesterday I posted a great article on just how much teens are texting these days (hint: it’s even more than you think). So it may be hard to believe that while our kids are so steeped in their own little virtual worlds, they are actually hugging and non-sexually touching each other more than ever! In fact, gratuitous hugging has become so common and disruptive lately that many middle and high schools around the country are actually banning this seemingly innocent gesture. In this article from the New York Times, Sarah Kershaw explores all the ins and outs of the new teenage hug.

So, what’s your take on all this? By banning hugging, are we making it even harder for the Facebook and Twitter generation to develop genuine human bonds? Or do you think teens right now are creeping into dangerous—or at least uncomfortable—territory? (For more perspective, see what our guest blogger Vanessa has to say here.)

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 2 Comment(s)
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Michael Hausauer, a psychotherapist in Oakland, Calif., said teenagers had a “terrific interest in knowing what’s going on in the lives of their peers, coupled with a terrific anxiety about being out of the loop.” For that reason, he said, the rapid rise in texting has potential for great benefit and great harm.

Here’s the article from the New York Times.

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 1 Comment(s)
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I wore a burgundy, floor-length halter dress, gold dangle earrings, jasmine perfume. My date sported a black tux with silver cufflinks and a white shirt. On my wrist a white corsage, my hair in a loose chignon. We had 8pm dinner reservations at Linq, I ordered the blood orange and beet salad.

My prom was six years ago almost to the day and I remember everything. Prom is a big deal. At the time, I did not think it would be, but those memories are very strong (maybe even more so than graduation day). So, I have a few tips for parents who have juniors and seniors getting ready for their big night and want to make it special and safe.

1) Let Them Work Out a Plan — But Make Sure They Actually Have a Plan
Teens are such procrastinators when it comes to corsages, limos, tickets and after-parties. The key here is to let your kids plan it independently so they feel like it is their night, but just make sure they do it early enough and have thought about all the details. This works really well in a list format. Instead of nagging them about it, I would just tell them you saw this list on a website for teens planning proms (a little white lie never hurt anyone) and thought it might help them and leave it on their desk or bulletin board:

(More…)

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 4 Comment(s)
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I’ve noticed a bit of a trend over the past several months.  In talking with parents, and especially folks in the news media who are parents, they seem to be more and more attuned to issues like online predators and sexual content on the web that place their kids at risk.  They also see all the spam their own in-boxes hawking prescription drugs online.  They know talking with their kids about all this is important.

When I raise the issue of also guarding against their kids being exposed to online drug content, pro-drug use websites and literally instructive “how to” videos on binge drinking and drug use that popping up across the net, there is a level of disbelief that’s remarkable.  Sex they know. Bad guys they get.  Yet the idea that there are people out there promoting drug abuse to their kids, showing them how in exacting detail, celebrating being wrecked, just seems a degree too far out.   “That CAN’T be possible!”  “That CAN’T be legal?”  “WHO would be that stupid?” Sorry…

Nielsen Online recently did a study that looked at video streams viewed online by a sample of 13 to 18 year olds across the country.  In June 2008 alone, nearly one million teens viewed online videos promoting alcohol and drug use.  The folks at the Center for Substance Abuse Research at the University of Maryland sum up the data this way, “Of the 1.2 million substance-related videos viewed by teens, 39% portrayed explicit use of alcohol or other drugs and/or intoxication. In addition, the majority (85%) of these videos had comments posted that promoted substance use. The survey also found that more than one-third (35%) of viewers of all substance-related videos were younger than 16, and females were more likely than males to watch these videos (57% vs. 43%).”

So, as a parent or caring adult, what do we do?  We have to realize that for all of the greatness and richness brought to our lives via the web, there is also the potential for harm.  Practical tips include:  1) Be clear and consistent with your kids about what online content is out of bounds.  2) Be familiar with the digital devices and web tools your kids use.  3) Keep computers in common areas of your home — family room or other central location — and limit the time your kids spend online.  4) Visit your teen’s personal blog, web site, favorite social networking sites or other postings.  5) Pay attention to the history, cookies and other tracking on your computer.

These are by no means all of the potential courses a parent can take, but the essential fact is that your child can be and is exposed to an extraordinary volume of pro-drinking, pro-drugging content on the web.  Monitoring your child plays a key role.  We need to both know and accept this is happening right now. With that knowledge we can each begin to take our own steps to safeguard our children.

What are your tips for protecting kids from dangerous online content?

• 	Posted by: Steve Pasierb | 3 Comment(s)
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I’ve seen many at-risk teenagers over the years and have been struck by their complaints about boredom.  Take Mike, a 15-year-old ninth grader who hated being alone.  He’d surf the web, listen to his iPod, play video games, text his friends, and frantically search for “something to do.”  In fact, he would go to great lengths to avoid facing the void within him.  There are many Mikes out there—restless and discontented teens in search of a way to numb their discomfort and connect with others.  But all too often they go about it in the wrong way—they take shortcuts.  Getting high or drunk is one.  Another is meeting strangers online or going to “seedy” places to hang out.  And even their constant need to IM, and spend time in My Space, underscores their never ending search.  Until they find comfort within themselves and learn to be self-sufficient, they’ll continue floating from one negative distraction to the next. 

Perhaps this inability to tolerate downtime is an unwelcome outcome of the electronic age which gave birth to a high stimulation generation.  Today’s youth expect to be entertained.  And there’s plenty out there to keep them busy.  The problem is that the more they get, the more they want.  Unfortunately, this doesn’t help teens to figure out who they are and what they want from life.  And if we’re not careful, they’ll spend more time avoiding these tasks than rising to the challenge.  Anyone who has talked to kids who have to “chill” all the time, knows what I’m referring to.  Color it avoidance—of the pressure to succeed, of their feelings of self-doubt, or of the demand for conformity to a social standard they can’t meet.  

Often, boredom is only the tip of the iceberg and loneliness lurks below.  Parents take note.  Self-direction relieves the pressure to go along with the crowd and cast judgment to the wind.  Don’t take it upon yourself to entertain your kids when they “have nothing to do”.  If you do their work, they’ll become dependent on you, and only shift that dependence to their peers as they get older.  

Instead, teach them satisfying ways to occupy themselves when they’re alone.  And if your son or daughter is a prisoner of cyberspace, it’s probably time to take action.  Rather than restrict them from the few things they enjoy, why not tell them that you expect them to engage in constructive activities for at least several hours a day prior to computer use or hanging out with like minded friends.  They can choose the activities from a menu which you come up with jointly.  They’ll probably balk at this, but stick to your guns.  There are plenty of options out there which can fuel interests and combat boredom.  Think school clubs, volunteer work, developing a talent, organized sports, getting a part-time job, or pursuing a hobby.  Good things happen when young people find their passions. 

Sally, a 17-year-old I worked with some years ago, chose to work in retailing after her parents insisted that she do something other than complain how “bored” she was.  I ran into her last year and was pleasantly surprised to learn that she was a manager of a large store.     

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Neil Bernstein | 2 Comment(s)
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There’s been a great deal of news coverage this past week about a new sniff dog service to find drugs in teenagers’ rooms.  I’ve been interviewed by several networks on this issue and have been struck by the intensity of both pro and con reactions from respondents.   So I’d like to clarify my position and invite concerned parents to express their views.

First and foremost, it’s quite appropriate to be concerned about alcohol and drug use in the teen community.  There’s a great deal of activity going on under the radar screen and parents need to be tuned into their child’s activities.  There are plenty of companies out there who will sell you surveillance equipment, tracking systems for internet use, private detectives to follow your child around to detect illicit activities, and most recently, drug sniffing dogs who will come to your home to uncover illicit substances.  With all the publicity out there for these “wonderful” new products and services, it’s tempting for a parent to bring in the heavy artillery to address the issue. 

I’m all for monitoring the activities of teens, providing adequate supervision, setting limits, and checking in with other parents when you’re concerned.  And I strongly urge all parents to familiarize themselves with the signs of drug use so that they can intervene when it’s indicated.  But I urge great caution when it comes to invasive interventions which may not be necessary.  There are no real shortcuts to good parenting, and in fact, the more effort we put into developing strong and open relationships with our teens, the better position we’re in to learn about what they’re up to.  So if you’re deeply concerned about your teen’s possible drug or alcohol use, start by telling them why you’re concerned, what you’ve learned, and where you stand.  Then, tell them you plan on searching their room, with or without them present, and you will continue to do so as long as you suspect drug use.  You can even put them on notice that you are prepared to notify the school, police, or appropriate agencies, if they continue to disregard your concerns.  It’s a firm, out front, and often effective intervention. 

Drastic measures should be reserved for extreme situations where all else has failed, there’s imminent danger, and your teen is not heeding your warning.  But please keep in mind that teens feel violated when they learn about secret surveillance.  It can potentially erode trust, result in teens becoming even sneakier, and further alienate them from you – the very person they need most.  So think long and hard about what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and what the potential repercussions are.  And be assured that there is plenty of help out there if you need it.  
 

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Neil Bernstein | 4 Comment(s)
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A few years ago, I read an interview with Jamie Lee Curtis, in which she said that parents with concerns about their children’s habits and behaviors—especially addictions—should examine their own behavior. (Curtis has some street cred, having successfully fought drug and alcohol addiction herself.) This notion rang so true to me, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

It makes sense. For one thing, kids clearly look to parents to model behavior. But I have another explanation that is less mainstream: Sometimes I feel as though we attract to our lives that with which we struggle. And it’s always easier to see in others (even our kids) what we can’t see in ourselves.

My children are too young to have issues with drugs and alcohol, but I do get very concerned from time to time about their dependence on TV and electronic games. I have nothing against either of these, in moderation. But for me, a red flag goes up when my kids appear “zoned out” with these screens. There are certain looks and postures that tell me they’re using TV or video games to numb themselves or escape from the world for a while. Even they will admit, during these times, that the games or shows have gone past fun to boring, but they just can’t seem to pull themselves away.

But thanks to Curtis’s remark, during those moments I also turn inward, asking whether I’m “guilty” as well. Here’s how my self-interrogation goes. First, I get defensive and in denial mode: “Hey, I only watch TV at the end of a long day and it’s only for two hours, max. Don’t I deserve that small enjoyment?” Then I vow to reform: “Tomorrow will be a TV-free day. And this time I mean it.” Then I fail. (Often, but not always.) Of course, by then, something has changed in my kids’ lives, and they’ve moved away from screens onto more constructive play. And so have I. Crisis averted. Until the next time.

 
I’m having mixed results—at best–helping my kids recognize numbing or addictive behavior and look at what’s going on beneath the surface. And I have ups and downs in my own attempt to thwart numbing behavior. But I persist in the effort. I do so because I’m hoping we’ll have enough successes in the short term to summon some confidence in the future when the temptations of more destructive behaviors come calling. I know there are no guarantees, but in the meantime, I figure it can only help to see where my own weaknesses show up in my kids and to practice hitting the off button.

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Nancy Branka | 1 Comment(s)
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