Something I see a lot of in my field is the classic (and fraudulent) tactical mistake parents too often make when disciplining their teens. This tactic takes on features that are Ponzi-like in the realm of parenting, which is why I call this strategy “Ponzi Parenting.”
As I’m sure most of you know, in the financial world, a Ponzi scheme is a scam that aims for short-term gain instead of long-term success, setting off a whole series of bad behaviors. Similarly, “Ponzi Parents” try to please their kids — and make life easier for themselves — in the short term, without worrying about larger, and possibly lifelong, negative consequences.
The main theme of the error is that when parents discipline for the moment and get in the habit of choosing the easy way out, they bank on the short-term gain of pleasing their child and on the hope of avoiding conflict. But keeping children happy doesn’t necessarily mean keeping them safe — and teens in particular, with their crazy hormones and developing brains, need their parents to watch out for their health and wellness. Many parents falsely assume that somewhere down the road, their children will learn hard life lessons on their own, outside the home.
But this short-sided approach eventually sets a bad precedent; it enables children to manipulate their parents, and more importantly, it ultimately hurts children’s long-term development. As a parent, you are in the best position to teach important, life-lessons to your children!
So what’s an example of Ponzi Parenting? Let’s go with enforcing (or not enforcing) curfew. Let’s say you have a teen, and her curfew is 10 pm. That said, she never actually gets home at 10, but when you try to bring that up, she yells, whines and tells you, “You’re so unfair; you treat me like a little baby!” You decide that enforcing her curfew is not worth the headache, and let her stay out as late as she wants. But when your teen is out past 10, she encounters problems that put her safety at risk — for instance, a friend who’s supposed to drive her home from a party drinking too much alcohol.
Limits and consequences, I will admit, are certainly not “fun” for anyone. I can’t name any teenager who likes having a curfew, or any parent that enjoys listening to his kid cry — or throw a fit —after a cell phone, car or other fun privilege has been taken away. But when you do away with rules and Ponzi Parent, you teach your kid that bad behavior has no negative results, which simply isn’t true.
And as a parent, you should never fall into the Ponzi Parenting trap when it comes to the issue of drugs and your child. I can’t stress this enough. If your teen tries drugs or alcohol, you must take action immediately, and not wait for him to figure out the dangers of substance use on his own. Set a rule that your kid is not allowed to smoke anything, and actually do something if he comes home from a friend’s house red-eyed and reeking of pot. Missing the next get-together will no doubt make your teen upset, but it will also make him think twice the next time he’s offered a joint!
Want to know the one good thing about Ponzi Parenting? Unlike a real Ponzi scheme, you can get out of old patterns and start fresh any day you choose. Raising kids is a learning process — even if you’re guilty of Ponzi-parenting today, it doesn’t mean that you can’t discuss some limits and possible consequences with your teen tomorrow. And hey, unlike Bernie Madoff, admitting your mistakes is not going to land you in prison, and it may actually help (and amuse!) your child.
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