Our two children are now in their early adulthood – and they seem to be doing pretty well. We now have civil conversations, spend time together sharing similar interests, and occasionally confide in each other on personal matters.

But their teenage years were no picnic. They had rebellious streaks (refusing to attend family outings with the extended family). There were big challenges (trying to convince one of our girls that the boyfriend she was falling for was a very bad influence and would soon disappoint her, which he did). At times, the girls were pains (my other daughter got a citation for sneaking into a drive-in theater, which required that she and both us parents attend “intervention” classes as part of the penalty.)

As crazy and upsetting as things got with two teens in the house, what really helped me and my wife cope was (More…)

• 	Posted by: Ken Winters, Ph.D. | 3 Comment(s)
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Just read this fantastic guest blog on Lisa Belkin’s Motherlode (New York Times). This brave mother, Janice Lynch Schuster, has two teens currently battling what she figuratively refers to as a “big black snake” – or, as it is more commonly known, drug and alcohol addiction. I’m sure that most parents who have watched their children struggle with a drug problem would agree that Schuster is right on target when she compares addiction to a scary – and possibly deadly –snake.

Facing her children’s drug problems, she writes, used to paralyze her. Even when she wanted to confront the monster, she was reduced to ineffectively yelling, taking away things that her kids could just get more of, and convincing herself that drug use was simply a rite of passage for teens. But luckily, Schuster finally got strong enough to intervene and get help for both her addicted children. Here’s a great quote from the post:

“I insisted that first one child and then another be admitted to a substance-abuse recovery program, a residential program that specializes in treating children, like mine, who are alcoholics and drug addicts. Just writing that is painful and foreign; it is as difficult as speaking in the snake’s tongue. The language of addiction is full of loss — lost opportunities, lost lives, lost potential, lost families, lost time. Now both children are in what is called recovery — they have been clean and sober, one for about eight weeks and the other for scarcely more than two.”

For those of you who can relate to Schuster’s story, I highly encourage you to check out Intervene, our newly launched blog here at the Partnership. We’re so proud of Intervene because it’s more than just a website – it’s a supportive community of parents and caring adults concerned about a beloved teen or young adult’s drug use. Right now, we have some very inspiring guest bloggers posting, including two authors with new books out and one wonderful woman who has been running marathons all over the world to raise funds and awareness for drug addiction and treatment.

And remember, you can also visit our website TimeToAct if you suspect or know your teenager is using drugs. TimeToAct has tips on how to initiate a conversation and get your child help.

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 2 Comment(s)
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Sexting, the act of sending suggestive electronic text and/or picture messages, is something parents must be aware of – and talk to their kids about.   If your child has a cell phone and is 10 or above, you need to have this conversation with them.  Check out the facts below — and the related links – for facts and tips on talking:

How many young adults are sending or posting nude or semi-nude images of themselves?
33% of young adults overall
36% of young adult women
31% of young adult men

How many teens say they have sent/posted nude or semi-nude pictures or video of themselves?
20% of teens overall
22% of teen girls
18% of teen boys
11% of young teen girls (ages 13-16)

Sexually suggestive messages (text, email, IM) are even more prevalent than sexually suggestive images. How many teens are sending or posting sexually suggestive messages?
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• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 0 Comment(s)
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I wore a burgundy, floor-length halter dress, gold dangle earrings, jasmine perfume. My date sported a black tux with silver cufflinks and a white shirt. On my wrist a white corsage, my hair in a loose chignon. We had 8pm dinner reservations at Linq, I ordered the blood orange and beet salad.

My prom was six years ago almost to the day and I remember everything. Prom is a big deal. At the time, I did not think it would be, but those memories are very strong (maybe even more so than graduation day). So, I have a few tips for parents who have juniors and seniors getting ready for their big night and want to make it special and safe.

1) Let Them Work Out a Plan — But Make Sure They Actually Have a Plan
Teens are such procrastinators when it comes to corsages, limos, tickets and after-parties. The key here is to let your kids plan it independently so they feel like it is their night, but just make sure they do it early enough and have thought about all the details. This works really well in a list format. Instead of nagging them about it, I would just tell them you saw this list on a website for teens planning proms (a little white lie never hurt anyone) and thought it might help them and leave it on their desk or bulletin board:

(More…)

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 4 Comment(s)
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From Medical News Today: A survey of 3,616 college students at two American universities found an overwhelming majority of women overestimated the amount of alcohol a typical guy would like his female friends, dates or girlfriends to drink. The results can be found in the March issue of Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, published by the American Psychological Association.

“Although traditionally, men drink more than women, research has shown that women have steadily been drinking more and more over the last several decades,” said the study’s lead author, Joseph LaBrie, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Loyola Marymount University. “Our research suggests women believe men find excessive drinking sexually attractive and appealing, but it appears this is a giant misperception.”

More about this study at Medical News Today.

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 2 Comment(s)
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As many of you are well aware, it’s not always easy for us parents to connect with our teenagers. They can be moody. They can be withdrawn. They can turn on the tight-lipped, arms-crossed, eye-roll, leave-me-alone posture with incredible ease. So how can we break through this teenage angst and get them to open up?

Parenting expert Marybeth Hicks suggests listening to what’s on their iPod. “You have to know some of the songs,” she says. “And sometimes you have to go to lyrics.com to learn the words because you can’t quite understand them.”

My youngest teen, as it turns out, is really into the band Airborne Toxic Event. She was kind enough to share her iPod playlist with me recently on the way to a soccer game. “Papillon,” the second track on their latest album, was interesting…

All dressed up, no place to run
No car, no girl, no pills, no fun
Nothing to do in this empty room
I gotta get my head together soon
Alone again, no fans, no friends
You call me up at half past ten
And say “How are you holding up my friend?
Are you sitting around getting drunk again?”

Pills? Getting drunk? No friends? Depressing, for sure. And not exactly the kind of thoughts I want swirling around my 15-year-old’s brain.

“Pause,” I said. “What’s up with these lyrics?”

“Dad, it’s new music, it’s just a song, get with it.”

I took the opportunity to probe a little further about the band, where they were from, and the meaning of their name — which got her talking. Then I made a point of suggesting she not aspire to the theme of those lyrics. Eyes rolled, but I made my point. Hey, it’s a process.

What about you? What are your teens listening to? Have you looked up the lyrics and asked them about it? What did they say?

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 8 Comment(s)
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We’ve known for years that involved and connected fathers raise teenagers who do better in school, have healthier relationships, and stay out of trouble.  Not bad for a job that we all want to do well.  But sometimes things get in the way of becoming the father we want to be.  Our work demands increase, we’re around the house less, and we try to rush our kids to talk to us.  I can remember racing home from the office when my kids were young, only to find that they were engaged in something else or getting ready for bed.  By their teen years I had figured out that I had to catch them when they were available and let go of the notion that they would accommodate my schedule.
 
It’s mighty difficult to work fifty to sixty hours a week and be there when they need you.   It will mean juggling your schedule to show up for their events and be around enough to have the “talks” that are such an essential part of good parenting.  But it can be done.  Working late?  Text them, e-mail them, or catch them on their cell phone (if you’re lucky they’ll pick up).  Let them know that you’re thinking of them even if you’re not around.  That means tuning into their lives — knowing about their interests (sports, music, websites, etc.) their friends, successes and disappointments. Beware of conversations that are exclusively focused on how they are doing in school.  It’s a sure fire way to end a conversation quickly.  Why not ask them to help you with something?  They can teach you how to use YouTube, download music, or even advise you on the dated clothing you wear!  You’d be surprised to learn what a wonderful icebreaker this is.
         
If you want to talk about the sensitive issues (sex, drugs, etc.) you had better learn to speak comfortably with them first.  Dads often talk the language of facts and avoid the language of feelings because it makes them uncomfortable.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  If you feel bothered by something, think about what it is, and try to express it.  For example, say that you’re worried about Grandma’s health and aren’t sure what to do.  It sends a powerful message to your son:  It’s okay to be afraid sometimes and talk about it. 

Sometimes men get choked up and that’s a sure sign that something is brewing.  It could be as simple as saying goodbye to your son when he’s going away for a few weeks.  Instead of patting him on the shoulder and telling him to take care — squeeze the words out:  I love you and I’ll miss you.  Want more help?  Ask your wife or son to point out when you’re not being honest about your feelings.   

Finally, learn to read between the lines.  If your son tells you that he doesn’t care about his stupid girlfriend anymore, but looks upset, pick up on it.  Tell him, I know how badly you feel and I can remember going through the same thing when I was around your age.  The better you learn to identify your son’s true feelings, the more likely you are to emotionally connect with him.  And that’s essential when you’re trying to keep him out of harm’s way.  So convey warmth, respect, and genuine curiosity — the dividends will pour in when it’s time to talk about the serious stuff.  And guess what, he’ll probably listen to you more often and even come to you for advice when the going gets tough.  How can you go wrong?
 

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Neil Bernstein | 2 Comment(s)
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Techno Perfection: n. An individual’s personal desire to look good and be in flattering poses and styles at all times based on the new ability to edit, crop, color and change the way that individual looks online.

What are some aspects of techno perfection?

1) Constant Vanity
Teens and tweens are growing up in a culture where they might be snapped, filmed or captured at any moment.  With the rise of camera phones, built-in camera’s and camera’s that can take video, teens are always on.   Have you noticed your teen constantly looking in the mirror at him or herself.  A certain unknown somebody I know always changes the car mirrors to ‘fix their lipstick, ‘check their hair,’ or ‘just plain gaze at themselves.” Anyone have this with their kids?  Teens are very, very aware of how they look at all times.

2) Editable Beauty
I was asked at one of my client’s birthday parties to take a picture of her and her friends.

“Wait a sec,” one of them chirped, “Laura, switch with me, you have got to get my good side.”

“Don’t worry, we will take a bunch and edit them later,” Laura confidently reassured her.

Huh? Do I even have a good side? Would really think about it if I did? Teens have grown up being able to edit, crop, chop, lighten, darken and take away leg fat in any picture or video with basic computer programs.  This makes them think differently about their image.

3) Fame Happy
You can be famous.  I can be famous.  We can be famous.  Many members of this generation truly believe they are going to be famous and use it as an excuse to not work as hard in school or for future jobs.  The YouTube 15 minutes of fame has grown while the gap between celebrities and real people has shrunk with the rise of reality shows, Funny or Die spoofs and celebrity blogs.  This makes them strive to be perceived as perfect and think about personal branding, like previous generations thought about what color looked best on them.

4) There is Almost Perfection
Surgery is getting better and better.  Photography touch-ups are getting better and better and so is lighting, and other Hollywood tricks.  Celebrities set-up a very high level of techno perfection that most teens think is normal…and therefore also strive to have those ‘toned thighs’, un-messable make-up and perfect hair…all the time.

5) It Feels Close
High Definition make-up is here.  More and more companies are putting out tools and tips that make teens think they NEED to look like the celebrities.  I think it is actually taking teen girls longer and longer to get ready because there are just more things to cover, hide, nip and tuck.
-invisible tape for shirts
-false lashes
-HD make-up
-silicon falsies inserts
-bronzer for your legs
-hair inserts (you can Velcro volumizing fake hair to your hairline).

What to do? TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT THIS.  A lot of them do not even realize it is happening.  Whenever I talk to kids about techno perfection (at first they laugh), but then they usually think of all the ways that this has pervaded their own life.  In my mind, self-awareness is the first step towards becoming more authentic.

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 1 Comment(s)
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Sometime between the age of 12 and 17 there is a deep dark void that develops between dads and teen girls.  I like to call it the “anti-daddy” period.  Have you experienced this? For me, this lasted about two years.

Here are some tips to help fathers understand and bond with their teenage daughters:

1) Realize What We Think

Teen-Vanessa:
-Everything dad does is totally wrong
-Everything dad does is horrendously embarrassing
-Everything dad does is, like, predictably stupid
-Spending as little time as possible with dad is ideal
-Dad, clearly, secretly wants to make my life miserable
-Dad sooooo does not get me…even though he thinks he does (which is infuriating)
-Dad has, obviously, never been anything like me

I hope that you are reading this list thinking, “No, not me and my daughter!” Congratulations, you must be way cooler than my dad, because these 7 thoughts became my mantra for two years.   Understand that this is normal.

2) It Passes

I feel bad actually now, but the good thing is, it passes.  My dad, when he reads this, is hopefully laughing…and agreeing??  I do have a great relationship now with both my dad and my step-dad (and had some of the worst ones when I was younger). So, it does get better…hopefully before her wedding day.

3) Have a Regular Date

When you are constantly asking to spend time with her, it feels like a nag.  If you can set-up a regular time, this will be less of an obstacle and she might secretly look forward to it.

4) Treat Us Like A Grenade…if we explode all over you do not take it personally

What you think of as just a comment, we see as unsolicited, offensive, horrible, degrading advice…sometimes.  There are some days when anything you say we are going to freak out at.  Expect this and try not to take it personally.

5) Admit You Are A Dork

Even if Pierce Brosnan was my dad, I would think he was a big loser (and he is the coolest guys I can think of).  The point is, we are going to think you are a big dork, if you just embrace this we will not fight it as much. (We will realize you are cool later).

6) Be a Constant Love

One thing I remember and so appreciate about both of my dads is that they are extremely constant.  They don’t really have mood swings, I know their stances on political issues, what they eat for breakfast and that they love me.  When you are a constant for them, they will go to you more often and love you for it.  You might not realize we appreciate this, but teen girls live in hormonal, social, emotional ups and downs, so you as a rock of love no matter what, is really a relief.

See Dad, I got better! I promise my sisters will too. = )

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 2 Comment(s)
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