Last night I tried to teach my mom (love you!) how to download a song onto her iPod.  It was a nightmare.  Not just because I had to explain the concept of an iPod (and of downloading — at least music she understood), but also because of her fear and self-doubt that came along with it. Because I am a professional blogger, I teach people and companies about the Internet, technology and social networking all the time.  I have come to realize that sometimes grown-ups are virtual kids and kids are virtual grown-ups!

Why I Think Adults are Virtually Immature and Kids are Virtually Grown-Up:

1) Learning to use a social network, such as Facebook, is like learning to ride a bike. If you learn it as a child, you are fearless, you try everything, it comes naturally and you have time to practice.  But if you learn as an adult (I am still trying to learn how to ride a bike, so I know), it is scary.  You think about how much it would hurt to fall, you do not practice as much, you feel stupid, you cannot get the gist of it as fast, and even when you do get going, you still feel nervous.  With social networking, kids go through the learning process early and some are virtually grown-up by age 12!

2) Adults often have more fears than kids. Sure, tweens and teens could probably afford to use more caution, especially when it comes to the web, but the part of their brains that would make them worry about consequences hasn’t fully developed yet.  Meanwhile, many adults I teach are too afraid of everything technological — pushing the wrong button, breaking something, or feeling “dumb,” “stupid,” or “pathetic” if they cannot get something right.  Adults who are virtual kids have a lot of fear and kids who are virtual grown-ups are secure with their online selves.

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• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 0 Comment(s)
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As a father of two teens, I know it’s impossible to shield our kids from messages that promote underage drinking. That said, it’s always nice to be given a heads-up so we know just who and what in pop culture may be negatively influencing our kids – and right now in particular, I think you’ll be surprised to find out some of the sources sending pro-drinking messages to our teenagers. Here’s a quick round-up of where our kids have been seeing and hearing “cool” alcohol-related messages lately:

Tweens and younger teens: The latest Harry Potter movie. If you think I’m kidding, check out this article from the New York Times, which cites a number of scenes in which our favorite young wizards, only about 16, drink “butterbeer” and appear to get drunk.

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• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 6 Comment(s)
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Recently, we had a scary incident occur at school for our 12-year-old son, Adam, that merits sharing.

At the beginning of the school year, Adam’s first year in middle school, he befriended a boy I wasn’t completely comfortable with for various reasons (we’ll call the boy Joe). Adam, a kid with a big heart who befriends just about everyone, genuinely liked Joe and hung out with him. I remained cautious, but allowed him to invite Joe over from time to time. I shared my concern and how I felt about Joe with Adam, but it was hard to argue with my son because he truly liked this child and didn’t have any real reason not to.

Then, months went by and we didn’t see Joe. I asked Adam about it and he said he didn’t feel comfortable around him anymore. I wasn’t about to argue with him since I was uncomfortable around him as well, but felt better knowing Adam could sense something wasn’t right.
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• 	Posted by: Tara Paterson | 2 Comment(s)
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Doesn’t it seem like we’re getting hit with a lot of bad news these days? Well, here’s some good news to brighten your day: Little Leaguers are in agreement that use of performance-enhancing substances is bad.

Sure, they don’t seem to entirely comprehend the health risks of using steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs. But your 11- and 12-year-old boys do know what has gone on, and they’re very clear that they don’t like it. Many Little Leaguers say that they’re disappointed with their favorite players, and some even call those under scrutiny “cheaters.” But more importantly, these young players are vowing not to let performance-enhancing substances affect their own lives. Baseball leagues across the country are having their players wear “I Won’t Cheat” patches and pledge to remain clean.

But remember, parents, just because your kids are in the know about pop culture doesn’t mean you should let a teachable moment pass you by. Try discussing with your kids not just cheating, but also the physical and emotional toll steroids can have on the body. And be conscious not to be too hard on your kid’s hero - the Little Leaguers mentioned in the article above agreed that the pros “messed up,” but they also believe the players deserve a second chance.

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 0 Comment(s)
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I hope Decoder readers will enjoy this article which playfully shows how the internet generation has turned online for every need.  Do you recognize this phenomenon in yourself or your teenager?

Are websites the new “it” teen best friend?  I talk to hundreds of teens everyday and I started to notice a disturbing trend:  teens talk about their favorite websites like they talk about their best friends — or instead of their best friends.

I have written about how the digital age has changed the friendonomics for young people.  I worry that Cotton Candy friends will permeate the space until teens will either be so lonely that they will reach into real life again, or they will just turn elsewhere (like to websites.) As friendships become all about twittering what I ate for breakfast and who poked who on Facebook, where is the genuine personal connection?  I think websites might be the best young people can get.

1. “She is always there.”
Websites, like a good best friend, are always up, running and, well, loyal.

2. “I think about what he is doing when I am not with him.”
I hear teens often comment about what is going up on YouTube, or that they might be missing something on ESPN.  They are more interested in this sometimes than their own friends.

3. “I want to be with her every chance I get.”
Teens check their favorite websites every chance they get — at school, on phones, in the middle of the night when parents are sleeping…”

4. “Spending time with her is so comforting.”
I think the familiarity of a website can be very comforting to upset, emotional, hormonal or over- excited teens, just like a best friend.

5. “We are so compatible.”
Web 2.0 is all about users being able to modify, change and adapt their content to whatever they want.  On Ning, Twitter and MySpace teen users can change wallpaper, the color of their buttons and much more…very much like a bedroom or a best friend with similar tastes and interests.

6. “When the he is down, I feel lost and depressed.”
Do not be around a teenager when their favorite website is down or going through maintenance. It used to be that when a best friend was away on family vacation, it was the worse feeling in the world.   I hear teens talk about maintenance on YouTube like someone they love has just gone into a coma.

7. “I like helping her with her problems.”
This generation also loves participating in marketing campaigns, submitting their own idea, videos and comments to blogs and companies just like friends helping each other with problems.

8. “We have grown up together.”
I sort of feel like I have grown up with Facebook.  My college was one of the first 20 schools admitted into Facebook when it was just for college students.  I have watched it change, grow, adapt and I feel like I have also done these things.  As with a childhood best friend, I think many teens feel this way about the websites they have been visiting all their lives.  They become very attached.

This was a rather sad article for me to write.  Partially, because I think I fit into some of these examples.  I have written poetry about my blog like it is my baby and for the Internet like it is my husband.  It is a constant battle for me to leave my favorite websites for a few days and develop real relationships…scary that real life friendships can be so much work. 

Who is your teen’s e-BFF?

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 1 Comment(s)
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Did anyone else notice there were quite a few more drug and alcohol references at Sunday night’s Golden Globes than in years past? Here are a few I picked up on:

* Former party boy Colin Farrell while presenting an award, sniffed a few times and said, “I have a cold. It’s not the other thing. It used to be.”

* Ricky Gervais from “The Office” drank a beer on stage while presenting “Happy-Go-Lucky.”

* Presenter Sandra Bullock, when listing James Franco for his performance in “Pineapple Express” as a nominee for Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy, mentioned how fun it must have been to rehearse for this stoner film.

* While presenting, “Pineapple Express” star Seth Rogen continued with the drug references by commenting, “I wish I got to do this a long time ago, in a different era in Hollywood. Maybe in the ’80s. That way instead of being drunk with Mickey Rourke tonight I’d be doing cocaine with Mickey Rourke tonight.”

* In the acceptance speech for best picture for “Slumdog Millionaire,” Producer Christian Colson mentioned he’d drunk three martinis.

* And it doesn’t stop there. From stumbling over lines, slurred speech and wobbly walking, many of the night’s presenters looked like they had knocked back a few too many.

* Heath Ledger won Best Supporting Actor in a Film for his role as The Joker in “The Dark Knight” — the year’s biggest success at the box office. And while it wasn’t said outright, it is important to remember that Heath Ledger died just about a year ago from overdosing on a mix of prescription drugs.

As parents, how do you feel about the way these celebrities handled themselves at this year’s award ceremony?

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 25 Comment(s)
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As many of you are well aware, it’s not always easy for us parents to connect with our teenagers. They can be moody. They can be withdrawn. They can turn on the tight-lipped, arms-crossed, eye-roll, leave-me-alone posture with incredible ease. So how can we break through this teenage angst and get them to open up?

Parenting expert Marybeth Hicks suggests listening to what’s on their iPod. “You have to know some of the songs,” she says. “And sometimes you have to go to lyrics.com to learn the words because you can’t quite understand them.”

My youngest teen, as it turns out, is really into the band Airborne Toxic Event. She was kind enough to share her iPod playlist with me recently on the way to a soccer game. “Papillon,” the second track on their latest album, was interesting…

All dressed up, no place to run
No car, no girl, no pills, no fun
Nothing to do in this empty room
I gotta get my head together soon
Alone again, no fans, no friends
You call me up at half past ten
And say “How are you holding up my friend?
Are you sitting around getting drunk again?”

Pills? Getting drunk? No friends? Depressing, for sure. And not exactly the kind of thoughts I want swirling around my 15-year-old’s brain.

“Pause,” I said. “What’s up with these lyrics?”

“Dad, it’s new music, it’s just a song, get with it.”

I took the opportunity to probe a little further about the band, where they were from, and the meaning of their name — which got her talking. Then I made a point of suggesting she not aspire to the theme of those lyrics. Eyes rolled, but I made my point. Hey, it’s a process.

What about you? What are your teens listening to? Have you looked up the lyrics and asked them about it? What did they say?

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 8 Comment(s)
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Techno Perfection: n. An individual’s personal desire to look good and be in flattering poses and styles at all times based on the new ability to edit, crop, color and change the way that individual looks online.

What are some aspects of techno perfection?

1) Constant Vanity
Teens and tweens are growing up in a culture where they might be snapped, filmed or captured at any moment.  With the rise of camera phones, built-in camera’s and camera’s that can take video, teens are always on.   Have you noticed your teen constantly looking in the mirror at him or herself.  A certain unknown somebody I know always changes the car mirrors to ‘fix their lipstick, ‘check their hair,’ or ‘just plain gaze at themselves.” Anyone have this with their kids?  Teens are very, very aware of how they look at all times.

2) Editable Beauty
I was asked at one of my client’s birthday parties to take a picture of her and her friends.

“Wait a sec,” one of them chirped, “Laura, switch with me, you have got to get my good side.”

“Don’t worry, we will take a bunch and edit them later,” Laura confidently reassured her.

Huh? Do I even have a good side? Would really think about it if I did? Teens have grown up being able to edit, crop, chop, lighten, darken and take away leg fat in any picture or video with basic computer programs.  This makes them think differently about their image.

3) Fame Happy
You can be famous.  I can be famous.  We can be famous.  Many members of this generation truly believe they are going to be famous and use it as an excuse to not work as hard in school or for future jobs.  The YouTube 15 minutes of fame has grown while the gap between celebrities and real people has shrunk with the rise of reality shows, Funny or Die spoofs and celebrity blogs.  This makes them strive to be perceived as perfect and think about personal branding, like previous generations thought about what color looked best on them.

4) There is Almost Perfection
Surgery is getting better and better.  Photography touch-ups are getting better and better and so is lighting, and other Hollywood tricks.  Celebrities set-up a very high level of techno perfection that most teens think is normal…and therefore also strive to have those ‘toned thighs’, un-messable make-up and perfect hair…all the time.

5) It Feels Close
High Definition make-up is here.  More and more companies are putting out tools and tips that make teens think they NEED to look like the celebrities.  I think it is actually taking teen girls longer and longer to get ready because there are just more things to cover, hide, nip and tuck.
-invisible tape for shirts
-false lashes
-HD make-up
-silicon falsies inserts
-bronzer for your legs
-hair inserts (you can Velcro volumizing fake hair to your hairline).

What to do? TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT THIS.  A lot of them do not even realize it is happening.  Whenever I talk to kids about techno perfection (at first they laugh), but then they usually think of all the ways that this has pervaded their own life.  In my mind, self-awareness is the first step towards becoming more authentic.

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 1 Comment(s)
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I keep telling my 16-year-old daughter, Adrianne, to watch what she writes online, because Internet stupidity lives on forever.

When I was her age, I did stupid things, but they were never recorded for posterity. That’s because there was no YouTube, MySpace, or Facebook. The Internet as we know it didn’t even exist.

 Well, things have changed. Someone steps in doggy doo, there’s video up in 15 minutes.

If that had been the case when I was 16, everyone would have known about my first experience with mass rejection.

It happened at a party in the 80s. The DJ played my favorite LL Cool J-tune, and I stupidly approached a group of girls who were dancing with each other, and asked one to dance with me.

The young lady looked at her friends like, “I know this fool did not just ask me to dance.”

I should have walked away then. Problem was, I had asked, so I was kind of obligated to wait for the answer. Knowing this, her girlfriends began circling like sharks.  

They never said anything aloud. Their opinions were clearly etched on their faces.

The one in the tight Gloria Vanderbilts scrunched up her nose as if to say, “He’s not cool enough.”  The one with the perm twisted her lips to signal, “He’s not cute enough.” The one with the huge gold earrings tugged at her ear, which clearly meant, “He’s broke.” 

Having been struck down by the Council-of-Girls-Who-Dance-Together, I had only to wait for their leader to make it official.

When she opened her mouth to give her answer, the music seemed to stop and the whole room appeared to be watching.  

“No,” she said, her voice echoing across the room.

Then the music resumed, and the crowd, having been entertained at my expense, turned away.

Today, that incident would turn out much worse. 

A cell phone video of the entire exchange would get 30 million hits on YouTube. Then someone would begin a discussion thread on their Facebook page called: Solomon got played – the true story.

“First she said ‘no,’” the poster would write. “Then she pulled out a stun gun, and Solomon was like, ‘Don’t taze me bro!’ She said, ‘My name ain’t bro!’ and she tazed him anyway.” 

Thankfully, things have changed for me. I am now secure enough – and women my age are flexible enough – that if I was single and approached the Council-of-Girls-Who-Dance-Together, they’d look at me differently.

They’d see my necktie and determine that I’m gainfully employed. I’d smile and they’d guess that I have dental insurance. If I jingled my car keys it might start a catfight.
With my luck, the brawl would make YouTube. Then someone would start a Facebook thread called: “Solomon’s a womanizing jerk.”

Knowing the probability of these things happening to me makes me paranoid enough to believe that they can happen to my kids. That’s why I periodically make my daughter pull up her Facebook page so I can peruse it.

If you’re a parent who’s anything like me, you should do it, too. 

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Solomon Jones | 4 Comment(s)
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