Last night I tried to teach my mom (love you!) how to download a song onto her iPod.  It was a nightmare.  Not just because I had to explain the concept of an iPod (and of downloading — at least music she understood), but also because of her fear and self-doubt that came along with it. Because I am a professional blogger, I teach people and companies about the Internet, technology and social networking all the time.  I have come to realize that sometimes grown-ups are virtual kids and kids are virtual grown-ups!

Why I Think Adults are Virtually Immature and Kids are Virtually Grown-Up:

1) Learning to use a social network, such as Facebook, is like learning to ride a bike. If you learn it as a child, you are fearless, you try everything, it comes naturally and you have time to practice.  But if you learn as an adult (I am still trying to learn how to ride a bike, so I know), it is scary.  (More…)

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 0 Comment(s)
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My brother and I secretly bought uncensored Dr. Dre albums in high school and played them whenever my parents were not home.  We also had an elaborate system to hide, but keep readily accessible, our Eminem CDs (we liked rap). While thinking about this minor form of rebellion,  I couldn’t help but wonder:

…if I rebelled by listening to Eminem, how will Eminem’s daughter rebel…by listening to Christian music?

This line of thought made me realize a few things about teen rebellion:

1) It’s Never Relative

You often hear:

“My friends do soooo much worse!”

“You should see most other kids my age!”

“Your sister never did this!”

Honestly, rebellion is never relative.  And often times, people are hypocritical about it.  Sometimes I hear parents who tell their kids, “You need to act like your sister,” but then also demand that “just because your friends do it, does not mean you should do it, too.”  Whether you are going through your own child’s rebellion, looking back or looking ahead, it is important to understand that comparing your child to “the average kid,” a sibling or a friend almost never helps, and will probably just cause everyone more frustration. (More…)

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 4 Comment(s)
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At long last a simple online tool to help decode text messages: http://www.lgdtxtr.com/

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 2 Comment(s)
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“I am free, I am free, I am free!”

I have heard both parents and teens chant this as they pack up the minivan and leave for college.  Yet, parents often watch their kids leave, with tears in their eyes and forget to cover some essential pre-freshman topics. Since it’s now June, and your high school seniors are either graduating soon or have just graduated, I thought I’d share some advice with you so you can use the whole summer to start preparing your teen for college. (More…)

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 2 Comment(s)
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Just read mommy blogger Lisa Belkin’s article in the New York Times Magazine entitled “Let the Kid Be.”

Let the kid be? What does this mean exactly?

Here at the Partnership, we believe in creating and maintaining a strong bond with one’s teen. Parents need to stay involved, keep an ongoing dialogue with their kids, and know their whereabouts, their friends, their school habits and their online activities.

But Belkin brings up some good food for thought – at what point does concerned, involved parenting actually become helicopter parenting (or “I-am-never-going-to-let-my-kid-out-of-my-sight parenting,” as Belkin jokingly calls it)?

Maybe, as this article suggests, just “chilling” is the smartest thing we can do as moms and dads. We’ll be less stressed and fearful of parental failure, our kids will feel less stifled, and we may even save some cash in these tight economic times. But, on the other hand – can you really ever be over-involved as a parent? After all, it’s our job (and our instinct) to help and protect our kids.

What do you think? When does protecting become overprotecting? Where do you draw the line between good parenting and helicopter parenting – or do you not draw a line at all?

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 3 Comment(s)
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Yesterday I posted a great article on just how much teens are texting these days (hint: it’s even more than you think). So it may be hard to believe that while our kids are so steeped in their own little virtual worlds, they are actually hugging and non-sexually touching each other more than ever! In fact, gratuitous hugging has become so common and disruptive lately that many middle and high schools around the country are actually banning this seemingly innocent gesture. In this article from the New York Times, Sarah Kershaw explores all the ins and outs of the new teenage hug.

So, what’s your take on all this? By banning hugging, are we making it even harder for the Facebook and Twitter generation to develop genuine human bonds? Or do you think teens right now are creeping into dangerous—or at least uncomfortable—territory? (For more perspective, see what our guest blogger Vanessa has to say here.)

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 2 Comment(s)
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The moms and dads who struggle with their child’s experimentation or behavior wonder where it will lead and how they will get through the challenges they face. But amidst the pain, there are insights and opportunities for growth that are profound. One such insight is from parents who have learned that the child who is fighting them the hardest, who is the most difficult to love, may be the one who needs them the most.

One mom wrote on my blog: “No matter what a teenager brings to the table we have to remember that we love them enough to keep loving them — no matter what.” Another writes: “I have learned along the way that the one who is the most outrageous is also the most at risk for me pushing her away and out of the house before she is ready to go…”

It is the deepest and most challenging kind of growth a parent can experience to let go of being “right,” to let go of control, and to allow ourselves to shift and change, and in so doing open up a new way of connecting with a struggling teen.

Many years ago I had the good fortune to spend a rejuvenating weekend at a lovely health spa. I took advantage of what they called a “tai-chi walk” which was a guided walk through the woods with a tai-chi instructor. Funny how a newly-opened mind makes the world look so different, even when you are gazing upon things you’ve seen your whole life. We stopped on a small bridge that spanned a brook rushing over round and worn New England rocks. Our guide asked us to observe the water and the stones and to consider which was more powerful. At first glance, of course, one wants to say the rock is, but the reason the rocks are round and smooth is because the water wears them down. The water can change its course; the water is infinitely more flexible and moldable…and therefore more powerful.

And so it goes as we interact in our families. As we can bend and mold to the issues and temperaments of each of our particular and unique teens, we can find new and better ways to connect with them, influence them, and teach them. You can’t take YOU out of the equation. This is your opportunity to bend, to learn, to change, to grow and to love in a way that it reaches your child, even your troubled, difficult to love child.

The first mom I quoted above goes on to share more of her learnings: “When my teen started doing things that I had not expected from her, like sexting, numerous texts, porno on the computer, hanging on boys, changing her appearance, etc. I had to shift gears. It was painful, I will not lie! I will admit some of my initial reactions were not pleasant, and if continued would have driven her to run — which she did once. Funny thing though, she was my child and she loved me enough to give me a second chance. For that I am very grateful. When I was able to remember how when she was little and I was teaching her ‘life skills’ like swimming, that she depended on my reactions to develop her feelings about those skills, it became a much smoother ride.”

How do you love your “wild child?”

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Sue Blaney | 1 Comment(s)
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A few weeks ago, my kids were home from school for a snow day and joined some others on the hill behind our house to sled.  About noon, my phone rang. The woman on the other end proceeded to tell me how my son had been using terrible language that morning; saying things that an 11 year old shouldn’t — horrifying things that her 9-year-old daughter had never heard before. 

This mother had little trouble repeating outright the exact swear words that were allegedly said (one was a line from a movie my son had just seen); and then added, “he asked my daughter if she knew what a virgin was!” She continued to attack my son — and demanded to know what I was going to do about it.

At this point, my blood pressure was rising fast.  But I remained calm and told her, “I will take care of it.” 

I hung up and went searching for my son.  I was noticeably upset, near tears.  Several thoughts swirled through my mind as I thought about how we don’t say things like that in our house; how we’re so careful about what they are exposed to; and how I am the author of a parenting book coming out in a few months — how can this be happening? 

My son had a friend with him who I immediately sent home. Then I went to my room to ponder what to do next.  I was disappointed, hurt and embarrassed — my ego was getting the best of me.  I recalled some of my parent coach studies which shed light on how we care too much about what other people think, how we take their opinion to heart when they reference our method of parenting, and how we immediately believe adults over our own children.  This gave me some strength to have a conversation and I calmly returned to my son.

By now he was in tears and eager to tell me what happened.  At first I wasn’t convinced he was being truthful, because I knew he repeated the line from the movie, but when he told me the whole story I intuitively knew he wasn’t lying. 

He explained how his friend who had been with him said most of the words in question, including the virgin inquiry.  My son admitted he did repeat the line from the movie, but in the context of the movie not in an inappropriate manner and not to the other kids.  He went on to tell me that the stuff coming out of this woman’s daughter’s mouth was far worse than anything they said — which was later confirmed by my younger son.

My son was especially upset that he had been accused of saying things he didn’t say so this is where I tried to turn the situation into a learning experience: 

“This is where “guilt by association” gets you into trouble,” I explained.

“But it’s not fair,” he pleaded.  “I didn’t say those things.”

“I understand, but they know who you are and you’re the name they know.”

“Well that’s stupid.  That’s judging a book by its cover.” 

And I have to agree.

In my mind there are two approaches you can take with your kids.  You can teach them to be accountable for their actions and talk with them openly and honestly about whatever the situation is. Or you can point the finger without having all of the facts.  Unfortunately, a lot of parents choose the latter.

Whether we want to admit it or not, our children will do and say things we don’t approve of when they’re with their friends.  Whether they are trying to sound cool, reciting a provocative line from a movie, or trying to impress older kids to fit in, they are prone to acting differently than the way we’ve taught them to behave. 

I have been a witness to many instances where kids have said and done things their parents would never have believed their child would do.  Don’t be fooled into thinking your child isn’t one of those kids, because as the old saying goes — kids will be kids.

• 	Posted by: Tara Paterson | 4 Comment(s)
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I hope Decoder readers will enjoy this article which playfully shows how the internet generation has turned online for every need.  Do you recognize this phenomenon in yourself or your teenager?

Are websites the new “it” teen best friend?  I talk to hundreds of teens everyday and I started to notice a disturbing trend:  teens talk about their favorite websites like they talk about their best friends — or instead of their best friends.

I have written about how the digital age has changed the friendonomics for young people.  I worry that Cotton Candy friends will permeate the space until teens will either be so lonely that they will reach into real life again, or they will just turn elsewhere (like to websites.) As friendships become all about twittering what I ate for breakfast and who poked who on Facebook, where is the genuine personal connection?  I think websites might be the best young people can get.

1. “She is always there.”
Websites, like a good best friend, are always up, running and, well, loyal.

2. “I think about what he is doing when I am not with him.”
I hear teens often comment about what is going up on YouTube, or that they might be missing something on ESPN.  They are more interested in this sometimes than their own friends.

3. “I want to be with her every chance I get.”
Teens check their favorite websites every chance they get — at school, on phones, in the middle of the night when parents are sleeping…”

4. “Spending time with her is so comforting.”
I think the familiarity of a website can be very comforting to upset, emotional, hormonal or over- excited teens, just like a best friend.

5. “We are so compatible.”
Web 2.0 is all about users being able to modify, change and adapt their content to whatever they want.  On Ning, Twitter and MySpace teen users can change wallpaper, the color of their buttons and much more…very much like a bedroom or a best friend with similar tastes and interests.

6. “When the he is down, I feel lost and depressed.”
Do not be around a teenager when their favorite website is down or going through maintenance. It used to be that when a best friend was away on family vacation, it was the worse feeling in the world.   I hear teens talk about maintenance on YouTube like someone they love has just gone into a coma.

7. “I like helping her with her problems.”
This generation also loves participating in marketing campaigns, submitting their own idea, videos and comments to blogs and companies just like friends helping each other with problems.

8. “We have grown up together.”
I sort of feel like I have grown up with Facebook.  My college was one of the first 20 schools admitted into Facebook when it was just for college students.  I have watched it change, grow, adapt and I feel like I have also done these things.  As with a childhood best friend, I think many teens feel this way about the websites they have been visiting all their lives.  They become very attached.

This was a rather sad article for me to write.  Partially, because I think I fit into some of these examples.  I have written poetry about my blog like it is my baby and for the Internet like it is my husband.  It is a constant battle for me to leave my favorite websites for a few days and develop real relationships…scary that real life friendships can be so much work. 

Who is your teen’s e-BFF?

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 2 Comment(s)
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