Making the decision about how to talk with your kids about drugs is very personal. Some parents lie while others change the subject. Very few tell the whole truth about their drug use – unless of course they were straight all of the time.
What did I say to my 14-year-old son, when he asked me? I told him that there was nothing he could do that I hadn’t already done. And if he did drugs or drank too much I would know.
Every parent I’ve told that answer to has swallowed hard, looked away or just shook their head.
But I’m not uncomfortable telling my son the truth. I grew up in the 1970s, lost my mother when I was barely 13, and the attention of my father not long after that. I was alone and scared, and alcohol and drugs were readily available. So I took them, not so much in high school, but in college absolutely.
The good news is whatever it is that makes people addicted to drugs, I don’t have it. Which is why I’m still here and when I was ready, I was able to stop.
There is no right answer to how much you should reveal to your teenagers about your own drug use. Parenting experts agree that if you’re asked you shouldn’t lie. Many recommend that you simply say yes, but only for a short time and that you never liked them. I couldn’t say that because it really wasn’t true.
“Adolescents have well-developed sonar systems to detect hypocrisy,” explains Rebecca Kullback, a partner in Bethesda, MD based Metropolitan Counseling Associates. “The moment they catch you in a lie you lose all credibility.”
Where did my attitude come from?
One of the twenty something alcoholics I interviewed for my book Delaying that First Drink: A Parents’ Guide came from a family with a history of drug abuse. His parents were both recovering addicts and he learned about their drug use in middle school. As he tells it, his parents watched him closely when he entered high school for signs he was using.
The first positive drug test result they saw (and no he wasn’t tested all the time), they let it go because his grades were still good. The second one his parents had a car sent and they put him on a plane and into a rehabilitation program.
So at 16 he was a train wreck and at 26 he was sober and in graduate school. Although my history is nothing compared to theirs, his understanding was that they meant business and it was very helpful.
So I answer questions when I am asked. When my son and one of his school friends were involved in a debate about the legalization of marijuana for medical use, they asked me what it felt like to be high. I didn’t make it sound like fun but I didn’t make it sound like Night of the Living Dead either.
Editing the stories that I tell is a big part of how I talk about my own teenage drug use. I don’t tell my kids about the fraternity party where I chugged beer, danced on top of the bar, and had a great time.
Instead, I tell them about my first week in college when I drank 2-3 giant cans of beer, threw up in front of the dorm, and the dorm director made me get out of bed and go outside in the freezing cold to clean it up. That from then on I never drank as much as the other kids because I was too scared of the utter embarrassment again. Or that cocaine gave me a week-long headache that was so painful I ended up in the emergency room.
I learned recently that my son repeats his mom’s alcohol and drugs stories to his friends. The idea of all those eighth graders knowing that my son’s mother drank heavily and took drugs is kind of appalling. Suppose they tell their parents or teachers? But evidently they never have.
Will my parenting style and honesty affect my son’s and daughter’s decisions about whether to drink or take drugs? I don’t know. But my approach is to do what I think is right. So far, it’s working.
**Editor’s Note: Here’s more information on how to talk to your kids about drugs if you did drugs. You can also check out the Talk Kit on TimeToTalk.org**
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