The Partnership recently joined with two other organizations — the National Military Family Association and the National Association of School Nurses — to announce new resources to help military families keep their kids healthy and drug-free.

Science shows that transitions are particularly stressful periods for kids and they are more likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol at those times. Kids in military families face more significant transitions than kids in most other families –- from moves and new schools about every three years to having a parent deployed, injured or even killed. We wanted to create resources specifically for military moms and dads so that they were aware of the risks that these kinds of transitions can pose and so that they’d have a simple set of tools to use to help them talk to their kids at these vulnerable intervals.

At our launch event on Capitol Hill September 30, a mom told the story of her son’s drug use and subsequent addiction which started when his dad was injured in Iraq. He has struggled for the last five years and is now in a 12-step program. Last year their family spent $138,000 on treatment for him at a private hospital. She said, “would talking with Jim about the transitions he was experiencing have made a difference? Possibly. Probably. Our children do listen and we had not taken the time to talk about those particular issues.”

Our service men and women put their lives on the line for all of us in this country. I’m proud that the Partnership is taking action to offer guidance to military families who are facing tough transitions in their lives.

The new resources for military families are available at www.TimeToTalk.org/Military.

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 0 Comment(s)
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Princeton Review has recently released its 2010 edition of The Best 371 Colleges, ranking American colleges and universities by almost every criterion possible, from knowledgeable professors to quality of dorm food. But despite the fact that nearly seventy lists are included in the guide, there is one list in particular that has students, parents, and college officials across the country talking: “Party Schools,” which ranks the top 20 party schools of 2009.

According to Princeton Review, the “party schools” are determined “based on a combination of survey questions [posed to students] concerning the use of alcohol and drugs, hours of study each day, and the popularity of the Greek system.” This year, Penn State topped the list, with the University of Florida and the University of Mississippi coming in second and third, respectively. Other drug- and alcohol-related lists in The Best 371 Colleges include “Lots of Beer,” “Lots of Hard Liquor,” and “Reefer Madness.”

While school officials aim for prestige, college kids’ responses to the rankings show that many students aspire to make the “Party Schools” list. From Facebook status updates to school newspaper articles, college students across the country have been expressing pride for being ranked – and disgust at not receiving a “Party School” title. “I’m really confused that UA isn’t at least on the list,” senior Sarah Kramm told the Crimson White, the University of Alabama’s official newspaper. “It’s like every night I’ll get texts and calls about all these different parties. Not to mention all of our bars are normally packed. It just doesn’t make sense to me.”

Can Princeton Review’s ratings pose a threat to college kids? Absolutely, writes Richard Yoast, Ph.D., director of the American Medical Association (AMA)’s Office of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Other Drug Abuse Prevention. The AMA, claiming that the party list “legitimiz[es] high-risk drinking,” has been lobbying Princeton Review for years to cease publishing this particular report. Yoast has been quoted as saying, “The Princeton Review should be ashamed to publish something for students and parents that fuels the false notion that alcohol is central to the college experience.”

Furthermore, a new study published in the Cochrane Library shows that college kids tend to drink as much as they believe their peers do – but they often overestimate how much alcohol their fellow students consume. “When a list such as ‘Party Schools’ or ‘Lots of Beer’ is published, it may inflate expectations by incoming students that ‘this is a big-time drinking school,’” explains Ken Winters, Ph.D., professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Minnesota Medical School and a Senior Scientist at Treatment Research Institute. And having this type of perceived norm for drinking can encourage some individuals to drink more than if they held a more conservative view of the drinking norm at that school.”

“These rankings are not more than popularity contests,” Annemarie Mountz, spokesperson for number-one-rated Penn State, has said, noting that less than 1 percent of her university’s students participated in the Princeton Review survey, and that those who did participate were encouraged by their peers to boost Penn State’s partying reputation. “[The lists are] not connected to reality.”

So what if your kids are enrolled in the colleges on this year’s list? Dr. Winters suggests parents tell their kids the following: “Be smart. We don’t want you to make the list for ‘We Are Disappointed In You’ or ‘School Expulsion.’”

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 2 Comment(s)
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We all lie.  For parents, it is important to tell if their teens are lying.  After watching and interacting with thousands of teens, parents and families, I’ve compiled a list of clues for adults, teachers and parents to look out for:

(Disclaimer: the following is list of observations and does not always mean that the person you are speaking with is lying)

Verbal Cues
* Timing is off between gestures and words.  The facial expression that comes after a statement (I am so sad about this, pause and then the sad expression)
* Less full facial expression when talking.
* Out of proportion reaction.
* Responds to questions, yet asks none of their own.
* When the subject is changed there is physical and emotional relief that you can see in the teen.

Body Language
* Less physical expression and movement.  Stiffness or mechanical movement.
* The teen takes up less physical space (shrinking down in order not to be caught).
* Their hand may go up to his face or throat, especially to the mouth.
* They turn their body away from the adult or person they are lying to.
* Playing with physical objects or actually placing a physical object in between the two of you as a type of barrier.

Verbal Content
* Responding to an accusation by offering a belief in general instead of this specific instance (ie Do you smoke pot? -I believe pot is dangerous.)
* Constantly adding additional details until you believe them and to fill silences.
* They use such phrases as “To tell you the truth”  “To be perfectly honest”  and “Why would I lie to you?”
* The answer is very specific, almost rehearsed about a ‘casual event’
* They repeat your question.

To Catch A Lie
* Use an open-ended question that is not accusatory but alludes to a possible behavior: “Anything interesting happen at the party last night?”

* Ask their opinion on a similar example:  “I would love your opinion on this.  A friend of mine from college, recently found a lighter and some rolling papers in their child’s jeans.  She is not sure how to approach it or if the papers were used for cigarettes or pot.  What should she do?”

Lying is a very natural, yet dangerous occurrence.  Unfortunately it is part of growing up, but parents need to be aware of teens lying habits to keep them safe.  I share these tips and hope they will be used in the right circumstance.

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 2 Comment(s)
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Last night I tried to teach my mom (love you!) how to download a song onto her iPod.  It was a nightmare.  Not just because I had to explain the concept of an iPod (and of downloading — at least music she understood), but also because of her fear and self-doubt that came along with it. Because I am a professional blogger, I teach people and companies about the Internet, technology and social networking all the time.  I have come to realize that sometimes grown-ups are virtual kids and kids are virtual grown-ups!

Why I Think Adults are Virtually Immature and Kids are Virtually Grown-Up:

1) Learning to use a social network, such as Facebook, is like learning to ride a bike. If you learn it as a child, you are fearless, you try everything, it comes naturally and you have time to practice.  But if you learn as an adult (I am still trying to learn how to ride a bike, so I know), it is scary.  You think about how much it would hurt to fall, you do not practice as much, you feel stupid, you cannot get the gist of it as fast, and even when you do get going, you still feel nervous.  With social networking, kids go through the learning process early and some are virtually grown-up by age 12!

2) Adults often have more fears than kids. Sure, tweens and teens could probably afford to use more caution, especially when it comes to the web, but the part of their brains that would make them worry about consequences hasn’t fully developed yet.  Meanwhile, many adults I teach are too afraid of everything technological — pushing the wrong button, breaking something, or feeling “dumb,” “stupid,” or “pathetic” if they cannot get something right.  Adults who are virtual kids have a lot of fear and kids who are virtual grown-ups are secure with their online selves.

(More…)

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 0 Comment(s)
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As a father of two teens, I know it’s impossible to shield our kids from messages that promote underage drinking. That said, it’s always nice to be given a heads-up so we know just who and what in pop culture may be negatively influencing our kids – and right now in particular, I think you’ll be surprised to find out some of the sources sending pro-drinking messages to our teenagers. Here’s a quick round-up of where our kids have been seeing and hearing “cool” alcohol-related messages lately:

Tweens and younger teens: The latest Harry Potter movie. If you think I’m kidding, check out this article from the New York Times, which cites a number of scenes in which our favorite young wizards, only about 16, drink “butterbeer” and appear to get drunk.

(More…)

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 6 Comment(s)
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Our two children are now in their early adulthood – and they seem to be doing pretty well. We now have civil conversations, spend time together sharing similar interests, and occasionally confide in each other on personal matters.

But their teenage years were no picnic. They had rebellious streaks (refusing to attend family outings with the extended family). There were big challenges (trying to convince one of our girls that the boyfriend she was falling for was a very bad influence and would soon disappoint her, which he did). At times, the girls were pains (my other daughter got a citation for sneaking into a drive-in theater, which required that she and both us parents attend “intervention” classes as part of the penalty.)

As crazy and upsetting as things got with two teens in the house, what really helped me and my wife cope was discovering that we were not alone! We shared these frustrations of raising “rebel-agers” with neighbors, colleagues, and relatives. Commiserating and trading advice with others got us through those tough years, and like I said, our girls soon enough grew out of that wacky stage of life.

For parents currently experiencing their children’s teenage years, do not despair. The good news is that adolescence is a temporary period. And there is brain development science to help explain what is going on with your kid. The teenage brain is a neurological work in progress, and the way the brain develops during this time may contribute to the type of risk-taking, poor judgment, and rebelliousness we often see during the teen years. (Learn more at A Parent’s Guide to the Teen Brain.)

Here is how Bia, one of my colleagues, put it: “I was thinking about my daughter’s acting out and nastiness when she was sixteen. The experts are right – it is a transitory stage. Both Sarah and I survived unharmed. She is now a wonderful twenty-two-year-old young woman.”

So, to recap, here is some basic advice for parents who are having a particularly rocky time with their teens:

• Talk about your frustrations! It doesn’t make you a bad parent to vent, and you may even get some good and unexpected tips in the process. Remember, most of your friends with kids the same age as your kid will be able to relate to what you’re dealing with.

• Read the other posts on this blog – almost all of them offer some good insight into teenage behavior. 

• Most importantly: hang in there, parents! When you are frustrated with your teenager, remember this principle:  Adolescence is a time-limited disorder!

• 	Posted by: Ken Winters, Ph.D. | 2 Comment(s)
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Something I see a lot of in my field is the classic (and fraudulent) tactical mistake parents too often make when disciplining their teens. This tactic takes on features that are Ponzi-like in the realm of parenting, which is why I call this strategy “Ponzi Parenting.”

As I’m sure most of you know, in the financial world, a Ponzi scheme is a scam that aims for short-term gain instead of long-term success, setting off a whole series of bad behaviors. Similarly, “Ponzi Parents” try to please their kids — and make life easier for themselves — in the short term, without worrying about larger, and possibly lifelong, negative consequences. 

The main theme of the error is that when parents discipline for the moment and get in the habit of choosing the easy way out, they bank on the short-term gain of pleasing their child and on the hope of avoiding conflict. But keeping children happy doesn’t necessarily mean keeping them safe — and teens in particular, with their crazy hormones and developing brains, need their parents to watch out for their health and wellness. Many parents falsely assume that somewhere down the road, their children will learn hard life lessons on their own, outside the home.

But this short-sided approach eventually sets a bad precedent; it enables children to manipulate their parents, and more importantly, it ultimately hurts children’s long-term development.  As a parent, you are in the best position to teach important, life-lessons to your children!

So what’s an example of Ponzi Parenting? Let’s go with enforcing (or not enforcing) curfew. Let’s say you have a teen, and her curfew is 10 pm. That said, she never actually gets home at 10, but when you try to bring that up, she yells, whines and tells you, “You’re so unfair; you treat me like a little baby!” You decide that enforcing her curfew is not worth the headache, and let her stay out as late as she wants. But when your teen is out past 10, she encounters problems that put her safety at risk — for instance, a friend who’s supposed to drive her home from a party drinking too much alcohol. 

Limits and consequences, I will admit, are certainly not “fun” for anyone. I can’t name any teenager who likes having a curfew, or any parent that enjoys listening to his kid cry — or throw a fit —after a cell phone, car or other fun privilege has been taken away. But when you do away with rules and Ponzi Parent, you teach your kid that bad behavior has no negative results, which simply isn’t true.

And as a parent, you should never fall into the Ponzi Parenting trap when it comes to the issue of drugs and your child. I can’t stress this enough. If your teen tries drugs or alcohol, you must take action immediately, and not wait for him to figure out the dangers of substance use on his own. Set a rule that your kid is not allowed to smoke anything, and actually do something if he comes home from a friend’s house red-eyed and reeking of pot. Missing the next get-together will no doubt make your teen upset, but it will also make him think twice the next time he’s offered a joint!

Want to know the one good thing about Ponzi Parenting? Unlike a real Ponzi scheme, you can get out of old patterns and start fresh any day you choose. Raising kids is a learning process — even if you’re guilty of Ponzi-parenting today, it doesn’t mean that you can’t discuss some limits and possible consequences with your teen tomorrow. And hey, unlike Bernie Madoff, admitting your mistakes is not going to land you in prison, and it may actually help (and amuse!) your child.

• 	Posted by: Ken Winters, Ph.D. | 1 Comment(s)
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My brother and I secretly bought uncensored Dr. Dre albums in high school and played them whenever my parents were not home.  We also had an elaborate system to hide, but keep readily accessible, our Eminem CDs (we liked rap). While thinking about this minor form of rebellion,  I couldn’t help but wonder:

…if I rebelled by listening to Eminem, how will Eminem’s daughter rebel…by listening to Christian music?

This line of thought made me realize a few things about teen rebellion:

1) It’s Never Relative

You often hear:

“My friends do soooo much worse!”

“You should see most other kids my age!”

“Your sister never did this!”

Honestly, rebellion is never relative.  And often times, people are hypocritical about it.  Sometimes I hear parents who tell their kids, “You need to act like your sister,” but then also demand that “just because your friends do it, does not mean you should do it, too.”  Whether you are going through your own child’s rebellion, looking back or looking ahead, it is important to understand that comparing your child to “the average kid,” a sibling or a friend almost never helps, and will probably just cause everyone more frustration. (More…)

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 4 Comment(s)
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At long last a simple online tool to help decode text messages: http://www.lgdtxtr.com/

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 2 Comment(s)
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