Yes, it’s true. Teenagers sometimes make poor choices. And it’s usually a horrible experience for the whole family. When it comes to using drugs and alcohol, it can ruin so many opportunities and experiences for our kids as they’re becoming adults. All of that is absolutely worthy of a parent’s attention, awareness and response.

But when we as parents give in to our anxiety about their choices, we make poor choices too. We may “snoop” through their things without asking or interrogate rather than talk to them. In doing so, we only motivate them to work even harder to hide from us.

We do these things because at some level, we need our kids to behave a certain way in order for us to feel good about the job we’re doing as parents. But, they need parents whose emotional stability and maturity level has nothing to do with the choices they make. They need parents who can see the big picture and who aren’t dependent on their children for their own happiness or peace of mind.

Needing our kids to behave, or needing our kids not to misbehave, sends out three unmistakable messages:

1) I cannot emotionally handle it when you act as a free individual
2) I am not in control of my own reactions, you are
3) In this scary world, you cannot trust me for leadership

When we send out these messages, our kids usually find ways to do exactly what we want them to avoid — even if it makes life worse for them. Self-destructive behavior, especially from children, is usually a cry for help. What they’re actually saying is:“I need your help, Mom/Dad (not the other way around).”

As difficult as this is to face, it is the truth. We are not responsible for our kids and their choices — they are. We can do everything “right” as parents, and do it all very calmly, and they can still make really bad decisions. The more we can embrace this, the better off we will all be. It does not give us an excuse for retreating to some laid-back, aloof position, hoping that everything turns out for the best. But it does help us to be responsive instead of reactive.

Being a responsive parent instead of a reactive parent begins with more matter-of-fact interactions with our kids. This means speaking to them in a calm manner and not freaking out, overreacting and getting extreme with our emotions. Too often, when we see something in our relationship that we don’t like, we try to change everything wholesale. We say things like, “From now on, things are going to be different!” Instead, creating a great relationship with your teen is more about mindset than it is about method. It is telling yourself every morning that your goal is to be your teen’s guide and leader into adulthood. It is being the architect of their growing freedom and responsibility rather than the gatekeeper of those things.

And, most importantly, when you respond to your kid and his needs rather than react to your own fears, you create the type of relationship that is best for both parent and child. You create an environment where your teen can come to you for wisdom rather than rebuke. 

Editor’s Note: At the Partnership, we believe that parents can maintain a strong influence over their kids, as long as the parents themselves are positive role models who their children respect. Read the Parent’s Promise and make a promise to yourself, to your children and to the Partnership to be the best parent you can be.

For more information on “snooping” visit our Parent Resource Center.

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  Posted by: Guest Blogger: Jenny Runkel