The Partnership gives a warm welcome to guest blogger Jenny Runkel!  Jenny is a mother of two children, ages 11 and 13, and is the co-founder and director of content for The ScreamFree Institute, a not-for-profit organization dedicated to helping families stay calm and connected. 

A woman named Kerry wrote in to our website, asking for help with her 16-year-old son Derek. He was suddenly developing a new set of friends. She wrote, “I don’t know these kids very well, but they look like an intimidating bunch with all of their tattoos and black T-shirts. I’m afraid that Derek will become just like them and start doing all sorts of wrong things.”

I had to tell Kerry something a bit unsettling. The one thing she could do to ensure that these friendships continued or even escalated was to be diametrically opposed to them.

Yep. The more she reacted to the body piercings and tattoos, the more her son would be drawn to these guys. It’s a difficult truth: Teens often hamstring themselves by poor choices despite our best efforts to protect them. What’s worse? Sometimes, they make those poor choices because of our efforts, if those efforts are driven by anxiety.

So, as counterintuitive as it may sound, here’s the advice I gave her:

1. Get to know his new friends. Try to see in them what your son does. Maybe they are fiercely loyal. Perhaps they make him laugh. Try finding the good in them and suddenly Derek won’t have so much fun pushing your buttons where they are concerned. Besides, you might be surprised to find out that they are the most wholesome kids in school. Many times, kids try on different “uniforms” as they mature, and those looks can belie what’s really on the inside.
2. Talk to him openly about your fears. Face it, you aren’t afraid of the bad things his friends might do. You are afraid of what your teen might do if he’s influenced by them. It’s ok to tell your kids that you worry about them. Be genuinely curious about how he feels and what he’s experienced with things such as underage drinking and drug use. Create an environment where your child can come to you for guidance when he’s confused. That means you’ll have to do a lot more listening and a lot less talking than you’re probably used to or comfortable with at first.
3. Take a look back. I’ll bet that your parents weren’t all that fond of every single kid you hung out with back in your day. How did they handle themselves? What could they have done better to create a more open relationship with you? 

All of us would do well to remember that being a teen is tough. Most teenagers are just doing the best they can to make their way in the world. They will make mistakes and they should. It’s how they learn. When they do, they need our leadership. They need our boundaries. They need our love. What they most certainly do not need is our anxiety.  

Editor’s Note: To learn more about how to connect with your teen please download our Talk Kit and sign up for our free parenting newsletter where you’ll receive helpful tools, tips and guidance for raising healthy kids.

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  Posted by: Guest Blogger: Jenny Runkel