The Partnership is excited to introduce our newest blogger, Julie Ross, MA.  Julie is the Executive Director of Parenting Horizons, an organization devoted to enriching children’s lives through parent and teacher education.  She is also a published author of various parenting books, including “How to Hug a Porcupine: Negotiating the Prickly Points of the Tween Years” and “Practical Parenting for the 21st Century: The Manual You Wish Had Come with Your Child.”

In 1960, Jane Goodall arrived in East Africa to study the chimpanzee population.  At first, the chimpanzee’s fled from her approach. But Goodall persisted.  She observed from a distance.  She came to know and to accept these creatures in their own environment.  And ultimately, her acceptance of chimps and her willingness to see the world from their point of view allowed her to befriend the very creatures who initially seemed so unapproachable.  As parents we would do well to emulate Goodall’s effective approach with our technologically savvy teens.

 All too often, we view technology as our enemy in the parent-teen relationship.  We complain that our children are addicted to their computers and that they are more connected to their peers through Facebook than they are to us.  There is, however, another way to see this.  Technology is neither our enemy nor our friend. It is simply the habitat in which our children are growing up.  This truth makes our children “digital natives,” and us “digital immigrants.” When we look at the interaction between technology and teens, it gives us the opportunity to implement “The Goodall Effect.”  By acting as anthropologists, by observing and listening to our children without criticizing them, by respecting the landscape within which they live and the way in which they navigate that landscape, we have the opportunity to actually enter their world.  Once inside, we can also gently guide and teach them and possibly learn from them as well.  So how do we do this? 

First and foremost we must understand that our teenagers are more than willing to explore life and truth while walking hand-in-hand with us – as long as we don’t act as if we already understand what life and truth are about.  When we criticize our teens for their beliefs, values and friendships we drive them further into their landscape: and further away from us and from our influence.  Technology is not our enemy: condemnation of our children is.

Second, we must work to eliminate our fear of the future. A wise woman once told me: “I am at my worst as a parent when I am afraid.”  Fear works against the development of positive relationships. It causes us to clamp down, to seek control.  Teenagers are in a developmental stage where the formation of identity and the establishment of independence are at a premium.  The moment we become fearful, the second we attempt to control their actions, they rebel.  If, however, we replace fear with curiosity, we have the ability to influence our teens.  Consider the difference between these two forces.
 
The dictionary defines control as “to dominate.”  Influence, on the other hand, means having the power to be “a compelling force on the actions, behavior, opinions, etc., of others.”  When we exhibit non-judgmental curiosity about our teen’s “habitat” — their favorite websites or music; their friends (both on- and offline); what they think about the world, and when we listen to them with genuine interest, it allows us to be a compelling force in their lives, to influence their choices, values and behavior while still supporting them in their independent growth toward adulthood.
Years ago a commercial would come on the television in the evening saying, “It’s ten o’clock. Do you know where your children are?”  Consider this: if this commercial aired today you might be able to respond: “Yes, in the next room on the computer.”  But the question would still remain: “Do you know where your children are?” 

It’s time to find out.  Be curious without criticizing.  Watch without fear.  Slowly your children will reveal their true selves to you.  And as they do, you will have the opportunity to be a powerful influence on their values, beliefs and behaviors.

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  Posted by: Julie Ross