Mother’s Day Reflections: The Teenage Connection
Why are there so many closed doors in our house?
Who’s on the other side?
Teenagers are allusive
They’re always avoiding
Why do they feel they must hide?
Though we’ve been told someday they’ll
Out grow it
We’ll have to just wait and see
Someday we’ll find it
The Teenage Connection
My child, my heartbeat and me
Now I just took some serious liberties with my friend Paul Williams’ amazing song The Rainbow Connection. But being that this blog is for the Partnership for Drug-Free America and the fact that he is so involved in the sobriety movement, he won’t care.
This weekend is Mother’s Day, which means mothers are being paid attention to whether the attention givers really want to or not.
Families are taking Grandma out to brunch despite the fact that she may aggressively quiz them about hair length, tattoos, drug experimentation and love choices.
Mothers are being given breakfast in bed, handmade cards and if Zale’s has their way, lots of diamonds.
Even teenagers are venturing out of their caves (a.k.a. their rooms) with a few if not cheery, hopefully coherent words of affection and appreciation — though they may be simultaneously texting as they recite them.
And then the whole family will sit through a meal, though the teens may be texting while eating. Yet they are honoring mom despite the fact they might not have spoken more than seven full sentences to her in the last week.
Mind you this is not all kids nor is it all families. Some are better and some are much worse. But the average teenager is about as interested in interacting with their parents as Obama is in becoming a Birther.
It often starts around 13, when they pretend they don’t know you in public — unless of course your credit card is on its way out of your wallet and headed in their direction. And pretty much everything you say – unless it is “yes” to an unreasonable request– is considered lame. By 15 their rooms are their sanctuaries and often times it’s Enter at Your Own Risk, or just plain Stay Away.
When you do enter and attempt a “normal” conversation that could start with something as simple as “Do you have much homework?” you get volleyed back, “Why do you always have to tell me what to do? I can run my own life!” Psychologists talk about their frontal lobes being underdeveloped; I feel like their ears have some filter system in place where every phrase uttered by a parent is turned into an insult. “It’s cold out today, you might want a sweater” is met with an angry, “Why do you have to be so controlling?”
At this point when connections are not happening everything feels misinterpreted and an air of alienation hangs over the family.
This is a very frustrating period for both parents and kids. They are branching out and carving their independence and usually without much regard for our feelings: they have to do it, but it’s not easy for us to watch the person we knew disappear like a ghost. Consequently we end up either confronting them with what we perceive to be (and often is) their rudeness, which only escalates into more rudeness and more shutting down or we go off, tail between our legs to lick our wounded feelings in silence, and stew.
What I found has worked the best in our house is when Taylor gives me the vibe that she is in a bad, introspective, or a I-want-to-be-left-alone mood, I just leave her be. I learned to respect her need to be away from not just me, but all authority figures, and many people. This means not taking it personally — not an easy thing for me to do — but I find when I do this, she somehow gets that I am acknowledging her individuation from me. By not taking it personally, she does not become defensive. By my ignoring her and doing my own thing, she eventually reappears on her time, in her way, and the space is then free for connection.
Try not to ask “What’s wrong? What happened? Are you in a bad mood? Why aren’t you talking to me?” This gets the door slammed faster than almost anything.
If I want to connect yet feel the wall being erected, I will tell her about something that happened to me that day, something rather banal that is not full of subtext. Even something as benign as “I got my hair cut today” might be met with “You hate my hair! Why are you always judging me?”
Today I found the prettiest flowers at the market. Today I read a funny article online. Say something upbeat, not about them, neutral and not open for misinterpretation.
Be in the moment, it’s usually where they are most of the time. “When I was your age I felt…“ is heard as a lecture. All you will get back is “I don’t need a lecture.” Slam.
The other thing that I have found really works is to do nothing but just be there. It’s hard, as parents we want to connect – we miss that little koala bear attached to our hip, and truth be told they miss it too which is partially why they are so aggressive at times. They want you and don’t want you and hate the fact they want you and hate the fact they need you while they don’t want to need you.
So when I’m feeling that way, I sometimes just go in her room — after I ask if it’s OK; privacy is everything at this age. I bring my laptop and just hang out with her; saying nothing, just being there, amusing myself and asking for nothing in return from her. I’m giving her the message that I’m here if you want me, we don’t have to talk. Then the most amazing thing happens — she starts chatting up a storm. We’re connecting because I haven’t demanded it. And when that happens, it feels like Mother’s Day no matter what day it is.
The good news is: it is a phase and they do come out of it. And from what I hear, you get years of laughs and jokes at everybody’s expense – especially on the holidays.
Happy Mother’s Day!
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Hi Tracey,
That all makes sense to me I will remember this when 13 comes. It has been something I have been dreading since the day she was born but I am ok with all of the above! One less thing to be afraid of Thanks, Lydia
Amen. Great post.
Thank you for writing. You made me laugh out loud… because I am right where you are… with a sixteen year old boy!
My daughter who is 13 1/2 is very up and down with moods, but always apologises when she’s calmed down. We have a close, strong relationship and I would agree with Tracey. I also have an almost 16 yr old son ……none of the above works with him. I get brief snippets of conversation, then he’s gone again usually shouting and rolling his eyes. We have dinner together every night and try to converse. He seems to have been in a bad mood since 13 and I am so ready for the phase to pass!!!! Liked the poem by the way!
yeah that’s true my son now is turning 14 thisMay.31,we’ve been thru a lot,i feel he no longer wants me sometime..i miss my son on his younger yrs. coz it his him,now that he have grown he’s really different..its so hard to raise a teenager,they are unstoppable.
I can totally relate! I have a 14 yr old son! His uncle is an exterminator and won’t even go in the room lol!
Many thanks Tracey for your post. Sometimes I cannot help but think what did we do wrong and where the hell did my daughter (now 13) go. You are so right though, I do believe she wants me to be present, but she does not want to interact with me. The only activity she seems to want me to join in, is watching t.v. I personally do not enjoy many programs, but I watch anyway with her anyway. It seems to be the last thread between us. i miss her, and try to be patient, but it is not easy.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I have been able to identify with you and you are such an encouragement at this of time of storm and stress for adolescents as they try to cut out their nice during individuation. My son is hardly thirteen and he is already in the blacket of transition. Most of the time he has to be the winner for peace to prevail. However he respects me and I know he is going through the transition sometimes with ambivalence. So as parents we need to cultivate alot of patience with our teenagers
What a relief!!! Thanks for insight, I’ve been looking for more than “it’s the age” understanding, can’t wait to use tools suggested! HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY
thank you for making me feel better. my 14 year old daughter cam home from a week long trip to DC with the 8th grade. I was so excited to see her. when she got in the car, I asked her a simple question regarding who one of her friends roomed with and she bit my head off. I then asked what her favorite part of the trip was, and she wouldn’t answer, saying she was too tired to explain. I will use your advice and just back off. Hopefully, one day she’ll come back into my life!!! I really miss her!
i am on my way, my daughter is 12 and its starting a bit, i really like the idea of just hanging out in her room and not saying a word, i have found that has worked a time or two, thank you fo all you do, god bless
Great Insight! Many parents of teen substance abusers do not even make the effort to open the line of communication with their teens, or even realize how important that communication is. The formula for creating a drug free teen is: 1. Always be there for you teen to SIMPLY listen (no matter how tired you may be from work), Never judge, just allow your teen to vent, and ask before giving your advice or wait until they ask you, “What would you do or what do you think or what should I do?”—–rather than telling your teen what you feel they should do in a given situation. 2.MUTUAL RESPECT & Know and interact with your children and their friends (briefly and gradually each time your child invites friends to your home—–encourage friend invites to your home a few times per week) AND ABOVE ALL ELSE VERBALIZE EACH AND EVERY DAY THAT YOU LOVE THEM NO MATTER WHAT and have an unlimited supply of PATIENCE
Thanks so much, our 16 year old son has pushed his parents back now for almost two years and can be rude and angry. He says he can’t wait to leave us when he’s 18. Two nights ago, I just settled in to the room next to his and did work on the computer. I didn’t meddle or ask any questions. At the end of the night he came in and gave me a hug for no reason. So, I know what you mean about just being present and not talking. I was in shock when he gave me a hug.
Thanks for the info. I have a 14, 15 & 16 year old boys. They are all different in so many ways except for when it comes to what you are talking about. The talking to them or asking the simplest of questions. I am so thankful for everyones comments so that I don’t feel anymore that it is just me. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all.
Thank you all for these wonderful comments. You are not alone. We are a tribe and and sharing stories is the best medicine for the aches.
I wish you all a wonderful Mother’s Day and good luck with your teens throughout the year ahead.
These comments are wow. We are the custodian of culture, tradition, the home atmosphere including the children. We must strive to teach them to think peace always, act it, and the world would be a better place. A peaceful society starts with us women.
It was a very memorable mother’s day celebration for me as l gave a motivational talk to well over 450 women on the Dignity of Womanhood and family values.
To our teeming teens, which we can’t afford to ignore at all, l wish you all good luck throughout your lives. May you achieve success always.
Thank you for all this valuable comments. It is great to know I am not alone and other parents are having similar problems. Teens are weird. I hope they will change one day.
That’s if they make it out of that tunnel. I used to say to friends who commented like this,”Yes, I know he’ll be all right if he survives.” But he didn’t. I wish I had come into his room more, but I don’t know if he would have felt it too intrusive.
Thank you for the insight. We parents all need to know we have some of the same problems. I am a solo mother of 11, 15 and 18 yearold girls. If I’m not getting it from one the other 2 are always available to put tell me I’m, dont understand, etc…I also take it personally because that’s how they know that they can get to me.
Even wonderful loving children can turn into hurtful teens and these teens still love us dearly. We just can’t forget that and maybe laugh about it more with other parents.
Thanks again.
Excellent information, I have two daughters 13 years apart. The oldest is 30, her sister is 16 and I have been through it and am now in again. They do change, I did learn the first time around so I have high hopes second time. I would not even invite the exterminator in my first daughters room when she was younger. The hanging out idea does work, sometimes I get a little resistance like Mom what do you want ? But if I say oh nothing I just need to sit a minute it turns out ok.