Teen Rebellion: Natural, Normal or Naughty?
My brother and I secretly bought uncensored Dr. Dre albums in high school and played them whenever my parents were not home. We also had an elaborate system to hide, but keep readily accessible, our Eminem CDs (we liked rap). While thinking about this minor form of rebellion, I couldn’t help but wonder:
…if I rebelled by listening to Eminem, how will Eminem’s daughter rebel…by listening to Christian music?
This line of thought made me realize a few things about teen rebellion:
1) It’s Never Relative
You often hear:
“My friends do soooo much worse!”
“You should see most other kids my age!”
“Your sister never did this!”
Honestly, rebellion is never relative. And often times, people are hypocritical about it. Sometimes I hear parents who tell their kids, “You need to act like your sister,” but then also demand that “just because your friends do it, does not mean you should do it, too.” Whether you are going through your own child’s rebellion, looking back or looking ahead, it is important to understand that comparing your child to “the average kid,” a sibling or a friend almost never helps, and will probably just cause everyone more frustration.
2) “It’s No Big Deal”
Many kids don’t actually consider their rebellion a rebellion — in other words, your teen isn’t trying to drive you crazy. But if his or her behavior is upsetting you, then you need to address it right away. A few days ago I was working a family through an argument they were having. The 14-year-old daughter wanted to buy an uncensored rap album. The parents did not want her to.
The daughter began to throw a fit:
“I do not understand what the big deal is, they practically play this on the radio! Everyone has this music, you are completely overreacting, the lyrics are not even that bad, I barely listen to them anyway, you are horrible and overreacting!”
I pulled the parents aside and said, “I think you should make a deal with her. How about telling her this? If she can read you the lyrics and explain what each line means without getting embarrassed, she can buy the album.”
The album has a lot of nasty gestures, words and references in it and there was no way that the girl would feel comfortable explaining all the words to her parents. Yet, what was great about this solution was that it made the daughter realize that she would be embarrassed. Once her parents told her this option, you could see her face flush as she mentally went through some of the lyrics in her head. The argument ended right there:
“Oh,” she said, “I guess I could see how that would be inappropriate.”
3) Rebel for Choice
Another reason that this tactic ended the argument was because it gave the teenager a choice. The argument was no longer “No and why,” but “your choice.” Often times I see that the underlying cause of rebellion is a youth’s desire for choice of some kind. Simply providing your teen a choice can help stop the desire to rebel.
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I’m 60, a father of 5 grown children, one in particular was rebellious, I could have used this web site and this perspective time and time again. Thanks
I am a 39 year old mother and I have a 19 year old son. I used to use this tactic on my son and let me just say, it totally works. He was never happy of the options given, however, I would always remind him that he was given a choice and he can take it or leave it. I thought about giving him a choice because I was a very rebellious teen and it used to really burn me up when my mother would say “NO” and when I’d ask why…. “because I said so.” Oh my, I can just hear her now. This is a very good article…. thank you for sharing.
hi, im almost 16 and no i do not have children, do not have one on the way, do not intend to have them until im settled down living my dream with a dream husband.(just to correct all the assumptions that pop into your heads sometimes at the word 16) but you know, i listen to alot of rock, and alittle rap, and anything i want to.not to sound cocky or rebellious, but that is a constitutional right. the right to freedom of speech, freedom of press, and freedom of self expression. i cant speak for everyone, but most people i know who are on my side of the numberline, <21 listen to music that they can connect to, by lyrics, rythym, and/or a variety of other things. dirty rap songs we dont always connect to by lyrics, but sometimes its simply the beat. i will admit that a few things on my ipod may be a bit on the raunchy side, but it is ..less than ten songs out of hundreds. rap tends to be notorious about mature themes, but not all the time. there are some rap songs that have quite meaningful themes. “my life” by lil wayne is one. the language is harsh, but the meaning of the song is great. there are love songs that dont mention sex, songs about issues the artists feel close too, anything. honestly i dont listen to much rap so im not an expert, but i know it is not all bad. and what makes a person who they are? the clothes they wear? no.the music they enjoy? not really. they can be the meanest, nastiest looking teen in the world, but you will never know them until you see them in action. and in my household, my choices are ultimately mine. my parents do not harrass me, and pressure me, raid me of my pride and dignity by setting boundries on every aspect of life, rid me of my privacy and personal concerns, or anything else. they merely give me guidance and advice, and help me when im down. whats wrong with them being my friends? they are the most special friends i have. they made decisions for me when i was a young child, but they always gave ligitemate reason when they said no. and now i am an adult. adulthood is not measured by numbers, it is measured by maturity, and responsibility. and i am wise thanks to my parents and teachers. not the wisest, and still inexperianced, but ready to take matters into my own hands with the help of my parents. so adults by definition of the government, parents, next time you decide to put your foot down, make sure you arent stepping on your teen. imagine how you would feel to be treated like an idiot, because someone else doesnt appreciate the same things you do, or wants to say with the wave of a finger “youre not going to do that missy/mister, because i said so!” how demeaning! no wonder we are rebellious, you guys are making us sick. demanding someone not to do something only makes them want to do it against their better judgement. humans are pridefull creatures. treat us all with respect, and you will get our attention. my friends, and peers always talk about how they hate being treated like they are stupid, and parents setting rules and ultimatives urges them to do the things they shouldnt do, out of just spite. this includes drugs, driving drunk, unprotected sex, all those things you guys panic over. try teaching us when were twelve or so, negotiating, and having alittle trust. it works wonders. i dress emo, wear funky hair colors, support gay rights, religious rights, and all the rights under the sun, am getting a nose piercing, and listen to what i damn well please. but i make straight a’s, go overseas to represent my country, work for peace, the future, and what i believe in, never touched a pack of cigs whats less illeagal stuff, am not a whore, man, i dont even litter! and no one said ” i catch you smoking weed and yo ass is grounded!!” these were my decisions, and i decide right now that i like my life this way. i love my parents, and we share a mutual respect. maybe other people wouldnt have this teen trouble if they handled things like they were actually dealing with a rational human being. this is change we can believe in people, so jump off youre throne and let our future out of the cage.
Yeah i can relate to this story. Theres a very similar story here on this site http://sahmanswers.com/news.php?readmore=1290