A few weeks ago, my kids were home from school for a snow day and joined some others on the hill behind our house to sled. About noon, my phone rang. The woman on the other end proceeded to tell me how my son had been using terrible language that morning; saying things that an 11 year old shouldn’t — horrifying things that her 9-year-old daughter had never heard before.
This mother had little trouble repeating outright the exact swear words that were allegedly said (one was a line from a movie my son had just seen); and then added, “he asked my daughter if she knew what a virgin was!” She continued to attack my son — and demanded to know what I was going to do about it.
At this point, my blood pressure was rising fast. But I remained calm and told her, “I will take care of it.”
I hung up and went searching for my son. I was noticeably upset, near tears. Several thoughts swirled through my mind as I thought about how we don’t say things like that in our house; how we’re so careful about what they are exposed to; and how I am the author of a parenting book coming out in a few months — how can this be happening?
My son had a friend with him who I immediately sent home. Then I went to my room to ponder what to do next. I was disappointed, hurt and embarrassed — my ego was getting the best of me. I recalled some of my parent coach studies which shed light on how we care too much about what other people think, how we take their opinion to heart when they reference our method of parenting, and how we immediately believe adults over our own children. This gave me some strength to have a conversation and I calmly returned to my son.
By now he was in tears and eager to tell me what happened. At first I wasn’t convinced he was being truthful, because I knew he repeated the line from the movie, but when he told me the whole story I intuitively knew he wasn’t lying.
He explained how his friend who had been with him said most of the words in question, including the virgin inquiry. My son admitted he did repeat the line from the movie, but in the context of the movie not in an inappropriate manner and not to the other kids. He went on to tell me that the stuff coming out of this woman’s daughter’s mouth was far worse than anything they said — which was later confirmed by my younger son.
My son was especially upset that he had been accused of saying things he didn’t say so this is where I tried to turn the situation into a learning experience:
“This is where “guilt by association” gets you into trouble,” I explained.
“But it’s not fair,” he pleaded. “I didn’t say those things.”
“I understand, but they know who you are and you’re the name they know.”
“Well that’s stupid. That’s judging a book by its cover.”
And I have to agree.
In my mind there are two approaches you can take with your kids. You can teach them to be accountable for their actions and talk with them openly and honestly about whatever the situation is. Or you can point the finger without having all of the facts. Unfortunately, a lot of parents choose the latter.
Whether we want to admit it or not, our children will do and say things we don’t approve of when they’re with their friends. Whether they are trying to sound cool, reciting a provocative line from a movie, or trying to impress older kids to fit in, they are prone to acting differently than the way we’ve taught them to behave.
I have been a witness to many instances where kids have said and done things their parents would never have believed their child would do. Don’t be fooled into thinking your child isn’t one of those kids, because as the old saying goes — kids will be kids.
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“She continued to attack my son — and demanded to know what I was going to do about it.”
What did she expect you to do about it? Suppose your son did in fact use bad language—say he taught her perfectly innocent daughter all sorts of horrible obscenities. If he had, then she’d know them, and that would be that. Once a kid knows something she’s not supposed to know, nothing you can make her unlearn it. The girl’s mother was angry at your son because she thought he gave her forbidden knowledge and damaged her daughter’s innocence. A little piece of the daughter that belonged to her was irretrievably torn away. And she wanted recompense for this damage by obtaining from you the assurance that you would punish your son—presumably this was what she meant when she said “What are you going to do about it?” Parents, I understand, usually punish kids (grounding, withholding computer use, or whatever other method is popular these days) for the ostensible purpose of teaching them what is acceptable behavior, to help them become fully socialized individuals. But from your description, it sounds like her motives were not so philanthropic. It sounds like she wanted to make sure that whoever damaged her daughter would suffer punishment in recompense for doing so. In other words, she wanted revenge.
Do you think the continuing presence of the revenge drive in our culture, especially with regards to parenting, is something worth addressing?
What a great learning experience for your son! I had a similar situation with my son in relation to “MySpace”. Looking through his “friends” on his MySpace site, I noticed a few of them had Marijuana references, pictures, etc. My son argued these kids put that stuff on their site becasue they think it’s cool. Whether they use or not, they are portraying an image. Ask your teen…Is that how you want people (friends, family, teachers) to see you…as a drug user or supporter? I asked him why it makes someone “cool” to project that particular image… I also told him about labels and how it’s hard to get rid of a label or reputation once it’s set in place. I made him delete these “friends” from his list and plan on calling the other parents to suggest they take a look at their kids MySpace site. Parents need to stay on top of what their kids are putting out there. Continually talk to them…let them know the image you see when a drug user comes to mind and by all means…parents need to stick together!!!
Hold on a minute, right there. An 11 year old shouldn’t mention the word virgin?
What kind of censored bubble want to make kids live in?…
At 11 they’re on the late track of tween age, and sex has been a topic for discussion since they were probably 8.
The more you make these things a problem, a shame, something they shouldn’t know about, eg a taboo, the harder it’ll be for them to cope with it when they learn about it. And most importantly, the more chances there are they will learn about those things the wrong way (like a “line from a movie”), instead of the information coming from parents in a controlled way.
Maybe your friend should rather worry about her never talking about these things with her 9 year old. The more she waits, the less chances she’ll have to discuss these things with her the right way.
Personally I knew pretty much all I needed to know by her age, and I may have found it gross back then, at least I didn’t learn it by watching porn like most “protected” kids do.
I appreciate both of your comments with regard to this. The fact is they learn about this stuff in school!
My son came home and asked me- “mom, what’s an abortion?” Why? Because their family life teacher told them to ask somebody they trust, to tell them what it means. They aren’t allowed to tell them the meaning of these words, but they introduce it to them.
The reality is if they can’t talk with their parents or someone they trust, they will find out the answers by going to the internet and parents won’t know who they are getting their information from.
The other truth about this situation is the 9 year old in question said much worse things so innocence was not the issue. The woman is troubled and it was what I like to call a bit of reflecting. When we choose not to deal with what’s going on in our own life we will shift our attention to everyone else’s life. This way we don’t have to address our own problems.
Thanks again!