A few weeks ago, my kids were home from school for a snow day and joined some others on the hill behind our house to sled.  About noon, my phone rang. The woman on the other end proceeded to tell me how my son had been using terrible language that morning; saying things that an 11 year old shouldn’t — horrifying things that her 9-year-old daughter had never heard before. 

This mother had little trouble repeating outright the exact swear words that were allegedly said (one was a line from a movie my son had just seen); and then added, “he asked my daughter if she knew what a virgin was!” She continued to attack my son — and demanded to know what I was going to do about it.

At this point, my blood pressure was rising fast.  But I remained calm and told her, “I will take care of it.” 

I hung up and went searching for my son.  I was noticeably upset, near tears.  Several thoughts swirled through my mind as I thought about how we don’t say things like that in our house; how we’re so careful about what they are exposed to; and how I am the author of a parenting book coming out in a few months — how can this be happening? 

My son had a friend with him who I immediately sent home. Then I went to my room to ponder what to do next.  I was disappointed, hurt and embarrassed — my ego was getting the best of me.  I recalled some of my parent coach studies which shed light on how we care too much about what other people think, how we take their opinion to heart when they reference our method of parenting, and how we immediately believe adults over our own children.  This gave me some strength to have a conversation and I calmly returned to my son.

By now he was in tears and eager to tell me what happened.  At first I wasn’t convinced he was being truthful, because I knew he repeated the line from the movie, but when he told me the whole story I intuitively knew he wasn’t lying. 

He explained how his friend who had been with him said most of the words in question, including the virgin inquiry.  My son admitted he did repeat the line from the movie, but in the context of the movie not in an inappropriate manner and not to the other kids.  He went on to tell me that the stuff coming out of this woman’s daughter’s mouth was far worse than anything they said — which was later confirmed by my younger son.

My son was especially upset that he had been accused of saying things he didn’t say so this is where I tried to turn the situation into a learning experience: 

“This is where “guilt by association” gets you into trouble,” I explained.

“But it’s not fair,” he pleaded.  “I didn’t say those things.”

“I understand, but they know who you are and you’re the name they know.”

“Well that’s stupid.  That’s judging a book by its cover.” 

And I have to agree.

In my mind there are two approaches you can take with your kids.  You can teach them to be accountable for their actions and talk with them openly and honestly about whatever the situation is. Or you can point the finger without having all of the facts.  Unfortunately, a lot of parents choose the latter.

Whether we want to admit it or not, our children will do and say things we don’t approve of when they’re with their friends.  Whether they are trying to sound cool, reciting a provocative line from a movie, or trying to impress older kids to fit in, they are prone to acting differently than the way we’ve taught them to behave. 

I have been a witness to many instances where kids have said and done things their parents would never have believed their child would do.  Don’t be fooled into thinking your child isn’t one of those kids, because as the old saying goes — kids will be kids.

• 	Posted by: Tara Paterson | 4 Comment(s)
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I hope Decoder readers will enjoy this article which playfully shows how the internet generation has turned online for every need.  Do you recognize this phenomenon in yourself or your teenager?

Are websites the new “it” teen best friend?  I talk to hundreds of teens everyday and I started to notice a disturbing trend:  teens talk about their favorite websites like they talk about their best friends — or instead of their best friends.

I have written about how the digital age has changed the friendonomics for young people.  I worry that Cotton Candy friends will permeate the space until teens will either be so lonely that they will reach into real life again, or they will just turn elsewhere (like to websites.) As friendships become all about twittering what I ate for breakfast and who poked who on Facebook, where is the genuine personal connection?  I think websites might be the best young people can get.

1. “She is always there.”
Websites, like a good best friend, are always up, running and, well, loyal.

2. “I think about what he is doing when I am not with him.”
I hear teens often comment about what is going up on YouTube, or that they might be missing something on ESPN.  They are more interested in this sometimes than their own friends.

3. “I want to be with her every chance I get.”
Teens check their favorite websites every chance they get — at school, on phones, in the middle of the night when parents are sleeping…”

4. “Spending time with her is so comforting.”
I think the familiarity of a website can be very comforting to upset, emotional, hormonal or over- excited teens, just like a best friend.

5. “We are so compatible.”
Web 2.0 is all about users being able to modify, change and adapt their content to whatever they want.  On Ning, Twitter and MySpace teen users can change wallpaper, the color of their buttons and much more…very much like a bedroom or a best friend with similar tastes and interests.

6. “When the he is down, I feel lost and depressed.”
Do not be around a teenager when their favorite website is down or going through maintenance. It used to be that when a best friend was away on family vacation, it was the worse feeling in the world.   I hear teens talk about maintenance on YouTube like someone they love has just gone into a coma.

7. “I like helping her with her problems.”
This generation also loves participating in marketing campaigns, submitting their own idea, videos and comments to blogs and companies just like friends helping each other with problems.

8. “We have grown up together.”
I sort of feel like I have grown up with Facebook.  My college was one of the first 20 schools admitted into Facebook when it was just for college students.  I have watched it change, grow, adapt and I feel like I have also done these things.  As with a childhood best friend, I think many teens feel this way about the websites they have been visiting all their lives.  They become very attached.

This was a rather sad article for me to write.  Partially, because I think I fit into some of these examples.  I have written poetry about my blog like it is my baby and for the Internet like it is my husband.  It is a constant battle for me to leave my favorite websites for a few days and develop real relationships…scary that real life friendships can be so much work. 

Who is your teen’s e-BFF?

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 2 Comment(s)
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From Medical News Today: A survey of 3,616 college students at two American universities found an overwhelming majority of women overestimated the amount of alcohol a typical guy would like his female friends, dates or girlfriends to drink. The results can be found in the March issue of Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, published by the American Psychological Association.

“Although traditionally, men drink more than women, research has shown that women have steadily been drinking more and more over the last several decades,” said the study’s lead author, Joseph LaBrie, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Loyola Marymount University. “Our research suggests women believe men find excessive drinking sexually attractive and appealing, but it appears this is a giant misperception.”

More about this study at Medical News Today.

• 	Posted by: Joe Keenan | 2 Comment(s)
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It’s occurred to me lately that my 3-year-old son has developed a somewhat alarmingly unhealthy relationship with cherry-flavored children’s Tylenol. He asks for it when his nose is stuffy or when he has a sore throat. Other times he will claim that more unusual body parts are giving him trouble. His bellybutton say, or occasionally his hair. I’ve always just chalked it up to the fact that he loves the flavor, a sickeningly sweet concoction containing enough sugar and brilliant red dye to send any child into momentary raptures of hyperactive joy. 

Lately, however, I’ve become a bit concerned because his preoccupation with treating ailments with medications has begun to expand beyond the aforementioned red goop. If I complain that I have a headache, he’ll immediately ask if I plan to take something for it. When his back was itching the other night, he called out from his bed to ask if I had any medicine that would “scratch it” for him. It’s obvious that he’s already made a strong connection between physical ailments and chemical solutions and what’s even more upsetting to me, is tha this is completely my fault.

I’ve been clean and sober for eight years now but I’m the first to admit that even though I haven’t ingested anything stronger than Benadryl in all that time, I still have the mind of an addict. If something hurts, I take something. I’ve never fooled myself about this and there are times when I pop an Advil, that I am perfectly aware that my reasons for doing it are just as much psychological as they are physical. I never dwelled on it much, however, as I always figured that in terms of important issues to deal with, I had bigger fish to fry. If it makes me feel better to take an antihistamine after a couple sneezes, well it’s certainly the lesser of a bazillion other lurking evils.

Now that I’m pregnant and the only medicine remaining on the shelf is a bottle of Tylenol (which trust me, I have not neglected), this dependence has become even more glaringly obvious to me. Last month I had a nasty cold and spent many a waking hour lamenting the lack of Alka-Seltzer Cold Plus in my life. The crazy thing being, that even as I pined for the fizzy remedy, I admitted to myself that it had never really helped that much to begin with. I just wanted to take something.

It is now clear to me that my son has noticed this and that my attitude toward medicine is making a quick descent down the branches of the family tree. I realized the other day that although I’m always quick to appear with the noxious red syrup and a teaspoon at the first sign of any complaint on his part, I have never really sat down and talked with him about the purposes of medicine, and that while it can be very helpful, it can also be very harmful. I suppose that I always thought he was still too young but now I’m not so sure. I freak out if a man sits down next to us at the bus stop while smoking a cigarette but don’t think twice about running to the medicine cabinet at the first sign of a stuffy nose (and this, despite the fact that I’m well aware that there is not even any real evidence to show that these medicines work in young children). Something’s wrong with this picture.

Despite the fact that there are plenty of guidelines about how to talk to young children about smoking, drinking and illegal drugs, there is very little information out there about how to talk to young children about OTC (over-the-counter) medications. I find this surprising as it seems doubly important to talk to them about the substances that they see and are in some cases, already ingesting on a regular basis.

This is especially crucial in light of the fact that adolescent abuse of both prescription and OTC medications (such as cough syrup) has been on the rise in recent years. What’s more, studies show that although more parents are discussing the risks of alcohol and illegal drugs, for the most part, they are still not talking about the very real dangers of OTC and prescription drug abuse.

My son is only 3 but it is now clear to me that I am setting a dangerous precedent for him and that something needs to change in my whole approach towards medication. Any suggestions are welcome!

• 	Posted by: Johanna Bailey | 11 Comment(s)
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