Oh, to be the parent of a tween! 

Last week my son came home from school and after settling in, sat down at the kitchen table and said, “Mom, what’s an abortion?” 

At this point, I am used to the open conversations we have about these sorts of topics, but it never ceases to amaze me the things kids in middle school are exposed to today.  To think, when I was his age we were just beginning to be taught about puberty and the anatomical differences between boys and girls.

He shared that his Family Life teacher isn’t allowed to discuss this topic in detail, but encouraged the kids to ask someone they trust.  I felt honored, once again, to know he will come to me about anything and isn’t embarrassed to ask questions.  We talked about it for a while and he shared the other topics touched upon in class and then he went off on his way.  Whew, one more conversation under my belt!

A week later, while having dinner, he casually said, “I can’t believe the kinds of things kids in seventh grade are doing.”  I looked at him wide-eyed and asked, “So, what are they doing?” 

“It’s gross,” he answered.
 
“Ah, I know what you’re talking about,” I said. (Mother’s intuition.)  He wasn’t convinced, but I assured him that I did and it was something we would talk about later.  He tested me, though, to see if I truly understood — he asked me to say the acronym for it; which I correctly answered, “BJ.” 

He accepted this and explained, “She’s my friend and I told her not to do it.” 

“That’s good,” I said. “You should encourage her to refrain from doing things she doesn’t really understand.” 

“Oh, we have,” he said.  “All of her friends have.”
 
At this point I couldn’t go much further into the conversation, because our younger children were at the table, but what a reality check, once again, about the things are kids are talking about at such a young age.
 
So where does this leave parents — and what should we do?

1.) We have to allow our children the space to discuss these things with us, because if they don’t feel they can trust their parents enough to discuss these topics, they will seek answers elsewhere. (And very likely get incorrect information.)

One of the things I learned at the Internet Safety presentation I attended and wrote about earlier, was how children will seek answers to their questions and if a parent isn’t willing or present to have these conversations, someone preying on children will be more than willing to fulfill that role; kids will often go to the internet to find these things out.  We may think our children are too young and have the greatest of intention about protecting their innocence, but the reality is this is what they’re facing in today’s world.

2.) Support your child’s curiosity about topics such as these even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.  Be honest and let them know how you feel about the impact this has on young people, but refrain from judgment about it. 

Kids are naturally curious at this age, but if they have an open line of communication with you, their parent, and you express how you feel in a loving, supportive way, they will remember to respect your advice when faced with tough choices.  The first line of defense for children is our role as a parent.  We have to honor their desire to know things and trust our intuition about how to parent our child, but most importantly we have to be honest with them about how we feel and the impact this can have on their life.

3.) Don’t allow your imagination to take over and assume your kids are going to try something because you’ve discussed it with them.  Be the FIRST one to talk about it with them!

Oftentimes when a parent sits down and has an honest conversation about difficult topics, kids are more prone to listen to what the parent has to say and in some ways becomes turned off by the idea.  If a child talks to a friend or someone on the internet about sex, drugs or alcohol, it can become glorified and made into something exciting.  This is more likely going to peak the child’s curiosity and desire to try it.

Unfortunately, it has become much more difficult for parents today to raise children in a safe, innocent environment, but we can provide a solid, secure foundation for their growth and development.  We have to pay attention to what they’re doing, learning, and who they’re getting their information from.  Be the first line of defense for your child.

I recently began a blog on technology and child safety to share resources and information on a variety of issues our tweens and teens are facing.  I have also included links to blogs, articles and support tools to assist parents with becoming educated and empowered with how to protect their children. 

• 	Posted by: Tara Paterson | 2 Comment(s)
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Tens of thousands of teens would argue that marijuana should be legal because it is no more harmful than alcohol — some even insist it’s less harmful.  It’s not an unreasonable position to take.  With all the controversy about some college presidents wanting to lower the drinking age, the alcohol debate has been ignited once again.  Maybe it’s time to prohibit alcohol use as well as marijuana.  What kind of message would that send to our youth? 

It would probably underscore the fact that any dangerous substance should be outlawed.  And it would certainly show young people that we’re serious about keeping them out of harms way by practicing what we preach.  I realize that this is a highly unpopular position but every time I read about drunken drivers killing innocent victims it makes my skin crawl.   

What might be the effect of another prohibition?  For starters, less accidental deaths, less discretionary income squandered, less violence, less abuse, and less accompanying medical problems.  Not a bad outcome, I must say.  But what about all those people who responsibly enjoy a drink or two every now and then?  Should they be penalized?  And shouldn’t drinking be an adult’s prerogative? That’s a tough one to answer, particularly since research has shown that a daily glass of wine or two has salutary effects.  

During these difficult economic times, I believe that no behavior of excess should be overlooked.  As we all tighten our belts and make difficult decisions between necessity and discretion, why not revisit an old issue?  Would we really be any worse off if alcohol were unavailable?  Many would insist that organized crime would flourish as it did in the roaring twenties.  But this isn’t the roaring twenties.  And I believe that many changes are in the wind and all options should be considered when addressing the problems of risky behavior.  After all, have you ever heard anyone say, he’s a big drinker and he’s better off for it?

What do you think?

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Neil Bernstein | 15 Comment(s)
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I’ve noticed a bit of a trend over the past several months.  In talking with parents, and especially folks in the news media who are parents, they seem to be more and more attuned to issues like online predators and sexual content on the web that place their kids at risk.  They also see all the spam their own in-boxes hawking prescription drugs online.  They know talking with their kids about all this is important.

When I raise the issue of also guarding against their kids being exposed to online drug content, pro-drug use websites and literally instructive “how to” videos on binge drinking and drug use that popping up across the net, there is a level of disbelief that’s remarkable.  Sex they know. Bad guys they get.  Yet the idea that there are people out there promoting drug abuse to their kids, showing them how in exacting detail, celebrating being wrecked, just seems a degree too far out.   “That CAN’T be possible!”  “That CAN’T be legal?”  “WHO would be that stupid?” Sorry…

Nielsen Online recently did a study that looked at video streams viewed online by a sample of 13 to 18 year olds across the country.  In June 2008 alone, nearly one million teens viewed online videos promoting alcohol and drug use.  The folks at the Center for Substance Abuse Research at the University of Maryland sum up the data this way, “Of the 1.2 million substance-related videos viewed by teens, 39% portrayed explicit use of alcohol or other drugs and/or intoxication. In addition, the majority (85%) of these videos had comments posted that promoted substance use. The survey also found that more than one-third (35%) of viewers of all substance-related videos were younger than 16, and females were more likely than males to watch these videos (57% vs. 43%).”

So, as a parent or caring adult, what do we do?  We have to realize that for all of the greatness and richness brought to our lives via the web, there is also the potential for harm.  Practical tips include:  1) Be clear and consistent with your kids about what online content is out of bounds.  2) Be familiar with the digital devices and web tools your kids use.  3) Keep computers in common areas of your home — family room or other central location — and limit the time your kids spend online.  4) Visit your teen’s personal blog, web site, favorite social networking sites or other postings.  5) Pay attention to the history, cookies and other tracking on your computer.

These are by no means all of the potential courses a parent can take, but the essential fact is that your child can be and is exposed to an extraordinary volume of pro-drinking, pro-drugging content on the web.  Monitoring your child plays a key role.  We need to both know and accept this is happening right now. With that knowledge we can each begin to take our own steps to safeguard our children.

What are your tips for protecting kids from dangerous online content?

• 	Posted by: Steve Pasierb | 3 Comment(s)
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We’ve known for years that involved and connected fathers raise teenagers who do better in school, have healthier relationships, and stay out of trouble.  Not bad for a job that we all want to do well.  But sometimes things get in the way of becoming the father we want to be.  Our work demands increase, we’re around the house less, and we try to rush our kids to talk to us.  I can remember racing home from the office when my kids were young, only to find that they were engaged in something else or getting ready for bed.  By their teen years I had figured out that I had to catch them when they were available and let go of the notion that they would accommodate my schedule.
 
It’s mighty difficult to work fifty to sixty hours a week and be there when they need you.   It will mean juggling your schedule to show up for their events and be around enough to have the “talks” that are such an essential part of good parenting.  But it can be done.  Working late?  Text them, e-mail them, or catch them on their cell phone (if you’re lucky they’ll pick up).  Let them know that you’re thinking of them even if you’re not around.  That means tuning into their lives — knowing about their interests (sports, music, websites, etc.) their friends, successes and disappointments. Beware of conversations that are exclusively focused on how they are doing in school.  It’s a sure fire way to end a conversation quickly.  Why not ask them to help you with something?  They can teach you how to use YouTube, download music, or even advise you on the dated clothing you wear!  You’d be surprised to learn what a wonderful icebreaker this is.
         
If you want to talk about the sensitive issues (sex, drugs, etc.) you had better learn to speak comfortably with them first.  Dads often talk the language of facts and avoid the language of feelings because it makes them uncomfortable.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  If you feel bothered by something, think about what it is, and try to express it.  For example, say that you’re worried about Grandma’s health and aren’t sure what to do.  It sends a powerful message to your son:  It’s okay to be afraid sometimes and talk about it. 

Sometimes men get choked up and that’s a sure sign that something is brewing.  It could be as simple as saying goodbye to your son when he’s going away for a few weeks.  Instead of patting him on the shoulder and telling him to take care — squeeze the words out:  I love you and I’ll miss you.  Want more help?  Ask your wife or son to point out when you’re not being honest about your feelings.   

Finally, learn to read between the lines.  If your son tells you that he doesn’t care about his stupid girlfriend anymore, but looks upset, pick up on it.  Tell him, I know how badly you feel and I can remember going through the same thing when I was around your age.  The better you learn to identify your son’s true feelings, the more likely you are to emotionally connect with him.  And that’s essential when you’re trying to keep him out of harm’s way.  So convey warmth, respect, and genuine curiosity — the dividends will pour in when it’s time to talk about the serious stuff.  And guess what, he’ll probably listen to you more often and even come to you for advice when the going gets tough.  How can you go wrong?
 

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Neil Bernstein | 2 Comment(s)
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Years ago, I worked with a young man who had been court ordered to do community service for a vandalism incident following several other infractions.  He chose to volunteer in a nursing home to fulfill his 40-hour obligation.  After going for several weeks, he developed a close relationship with a 90-year-old woman.  They played cards, talked about her life, and the world around them.  During a meeting with him, this young man shared his experience with the elderly woman which both he and I will never forget.  On one occasion he was talking to her about how his parents were always angry at him.  She responded:  “I only wish I had a son like you.”  It touched his heart and led to continued visits to her at the nursing home long after his commitment had been fulfilled.  That’s what I call real community service.
 
There was a time when community service taught life’s valuable lessons to young people: compassion for those less fortunate than themselves, appreciation for what they have, and a feeling of making a meaningful contribution to society.  But over the past decade or so, the boundaries have shifted, along with the definition of community service. 

Today, I hear stories of kids helping to coach their little sister’s soccer team, volunteering in a clothing store (where they might get a job later), and helping younger kids do their homework after school.  Now don’t get me wrong — there’s nothing dishonorable in doing these things, but something gets lost along the way.  It’s just not the same as working in a soup kitchen for the homeless, volunteering in a hospice for children with terminal illness, going to a nursing home like the young man I described, or even doing an environmental cleanup project.  Each of these teach a more sobering lesson.

Part of the problem is that it has become fashionable for high-school students to list “community service” on their resumes—based on the assumption that it will help them get into a better college.  And that definition has been stretched in recent years.  Any type of volunteer work that shows that they are “involved in a constructive activity” will suffice.   Unfortunately, the act itself has lost some of its meaning and it is now viewed as a means to an end, rather than a true act of kindness or giving.  The net result is that students, parents, and even school personnel, collaborate to come up with creative ideas to either fulfill a requirement or increase their standing.   
        
Color me old fashioned, but I think it’s time to return to the good old days.  Young people would all be better off if we tightened the definition of community service to reflect a true sense of giving, caring, and learning a valuable lesson in the process.  I’m reminded of the old saying:  What’s right is not always easy and what’s easy is not always right.    

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Neil Bernstein | 1 Comment(s)
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