I’ve seen many at-risk teenagers over the years and have been struck by their complaints about boredom.  Take Mike, a 15-year-old ninth grader who hated being alone.  He’d surf the web, listen to his iPod, play video games, text his friends, and frantically search for “something to do.”  In fact, he would go to great lengths to avoid facing the void within him.  There are many Mikes out there—restless and discontented teens in search of a way to numb their discomfort and connect with others.  But all too often they go about it in the wrong way—they take shortcuts.  Getting high or drunk is one.  Another is meeting strangers online or going to “seedy” places to hang out.  And even their constant need to IM, and spend time in My Space, underscores their never ending search.  Until they find comfort within themselves and learn to be self-sufficient, they’ll continue floating from one negative distraction to the next. 

Perhaps this inability to tolerate downtime is an unwelcome outcome of the electronic age which gave birth to a high stimulation generation.  Today’s youth expect to be entertained.  And there’s plenty out there to keep them busy.  The problem is that the more they get, the more they want.  Unfortunately, this doesn’t help teens to figure out who they are and what they want from life.  And if we’re not careful, they’ll spend more time avoiding these tasks than rising to the challenge.  Anyone who has talked to kids who have to “chill” all the time, knows what I’m referring to.  Color it avoidance—of the pressure to succeed, of their feelings of self-doubt, or of the demand for conformity to a social standard they can’t meet.  

Often, boredom is only the tip of the iceberg and loneliness lurks below.  Parents take note.  Self-direction relieves the pressure to go along with the crowd and cast judgment to the wind.  Don’t take it upon yourself to entertain your kids when they “have nothing to do”.  If you do their work, they’ll become dependent on you, and only shift that dependence to their peers as they get older.  

Instead, teach them satisfying ways to occupy themselves when they’re alone.  And if your son or daughter is a prisoner of cyberspace, it’s probably time to take action.  Rather than restrict them from the few things they enjoy, why not tell them that you expect them to engage in constructive activities for at least several hours a day prior to computer use or hanging out with like minded friends.  They can choose the activities from a menu which you come up with jointly.  They’ll probably balk at this, but stick to your guns.  There are plenty of options out there which can fuel interests and combat boredom.  Think school clubs, volunteer work, developing a talent, organized sports, getting a part-time job, or pursuing a hobby.  Good things happen when young people find their passions. 

Sally, a 17-year-old I worked with some years ago, chose to work in retailing after her parents insisted that she do something other than complain how “bored” she was.  I ran into her last year and was pleasantly surprised to learn that she was a manager of a large store.     

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  Posted by: Guest Blogger: Neil Bernstein