Techno Perfection: n. An individual’s personal desire to look good and be in flattering poses and styles at all times based on the new ability to edit, crop, color and change the way that individual looks online.

What are some aspects of techno perfection?

1) Constant Vanity
Teens and tweens are growing up in a culture where they might be snapped, filmed or captured at any moment.  With the rise of camera phones, built-in camera’s and camera’s that can take video, teens are always on.   Have you noticed your teen constantly looking in the mirror at him or herself.  A certain unknown somebody I know always changes the car mirrors to ‘fix their lipstick, ‘check their hair,’ or ‘just plain gaze at themselves.” Anyone have this with their kids?  Teens are very, very aware of how they look at all times.

2) Editable Beauty
I was asked at one of my client’s birthday parties to take a picture of her and her friends.

“Wait a sec,” one of them chirped, “Laura, switch with me, you have got to get my good side.”

“Don’t worry, we will take a bunch and edit them later,” Laura confidently reassured her.

Huh? Do I even have a good side? Would really think about it if I did? Teens have grown up being able to edit, crop, chop, lighten, darken and take away leg fat in any picture or video with basic computer programs.  This makes them think differently about their image.

3) Fame Happy
You can be famous.  I can be famous.  We can be famous.  Many members of this generation truly believe they are going to be famous and use it as an excuse to not work as hard in school or for future jobs.  The YouTube 15 minutes of fame has grown while the gap between celebrities and real people has shrunk with the rise of reality shows, Funny or Die spoofs and celebrity blogs.  This makes them strive to be perceived as perfect and think about personal branding, like previous generations thought about what color looked best on them.

4) There is Almost Perfection
Surgery is getting better and better.  Photography touch-ups are getting better and better and so is lighting, and other Hollywood tricks.  Celebrities set-up a very high level of techno perfection that most teens think is normal…and therefore also strive to have those ‘toned thighs’, un-messable make-up and perfect hair…all the time.

5) It Feels Close
High Definition make-up is here.  More and more companies are putting out tools and tips that make teens think they NEED to look like the celebrities.  I think it is actually taking teen girls longer and longer to get ready because there are just more things to cover, hide, nip and tuck.
-invisible tape for shirts
-false lashes
-HD make-up
-silicon falsies inserts
-bronzer for your legs
-hair inserts (you can Velcro volumizing fake hair to your hairline).

What to do? TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT THIS.  A lot of them do not even realize it is happening.  Whenever I talk to kids about techno perfection (at first they laugh), but then they usually think of all the ways that this has pervaded their own life.  In my mind, self-awareness is the first step towards becoming more authentic.

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 1 Comment(s)
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There’s been a great deal of news coverage this past week about a new sniff dog service to find drugs in teenagers’ rooms.  I’ve been interviewed by several networks on this issue and have been struck by the intensity of both pro and con reactions from respondents.   So I’d like to clarify my position and invite concerned parents to express their views.

First and foremost, it’s quite appropriate to be concerned about alcohol and drug use in the teen community.  There’s a great deal of activity going on under the radar screen and parents need to be tuned into their child’s activities.  There are plenty of companies out there who will sell you surveillance equipment, tracking systems for internet use, private detectives to follow your child around to detect illicit activities, and most recently, drug sniffing dogs who will come to your home to uncover illicit substances.  With all the publicity out there for these “wonderful” new products and services, it’s tempting for a parent to bring in the heavy artillery to address the issue. 

I’m all for monitoring the activities of teens, providing adequate supervision, setting limits, and checking in with other parents when you’re concerned.  And I strongly urge all parents to familiarize themselves with the signs of drug use so that they can intervene when it’s indicated.  But I urge great caution when it comes to invasive interventions which may not be necessary.  There are no real shortcuts to good parenting, and in fact, the more effort we put into developing strong and open relationships with our teens, the better position we’re in to learn about what they’re up to.  So if you’re deeply concerned about your teen’s possible drug or alcohol use, start by telling them why you’re concerned, what you’ve learned, and where you stand.  Then, tell them you plan on searching their room, with or without them present, and you will continue to do so as long as you suspect drug use.  You can even put them on notice that you are prepared to notify the school, police, or appropriate agencies, if they continue to disregard your concerns.  It’s a firm, out front, and often effective intervention. 

Drastic measures should be reserved for extreme situations where all else has failed, there’s imminent danger, and your teen is not heeding your warning.  But please keep in mind that teens feel violated when they learn about secret surveillance.  It can potentially erode trust, result in teens becoming even sneakier, and further alienate them from you – the very person they need most.  So think long and hard about what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and what the potential repercussions are.  And be assured that there is plenty of help out there if you need it.  
 

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Neil Bernstein | 4 Comment(s)
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American families have been bombarded by a nearly unprecedented stream of bad news in recent months—from the turbulent stock marketto the upcoming high-stakes election, the mortgage and housing value crisis, healthcare and more.

We all know stress can take a toll on physical health, and while there has been extensive coverage in the media about the financial impact of the current crises, there is an equally distressing concern that has yet to be discussed: how elevated stress levels can be a powerful trigger for relapse among those who have struggled with drug and alcohol addiction. Even those who have successfully remained in recovery for years can be vulnerable.  What steps families and friends can take to help support our loved ones who may have struggled with addiction before through this difficult period?

• Remember family and friends play a very important role in getting help for those in trouble and supporting those in recovery.
• Be available—if you have a friend or family member you sense is in trouble or has struggled with substance abuse in the past, make the effort to reach out to them and express your support. Stay in touch so they know they’re not alone.
• Be aware–It’s important for family and friends to be aware and able to recognize the signs that something may be wrong so they can take action.
• Visit our intervention and treatment resources for more information or visit the new Life After blog on recovery.

It’s important to point out that I’m not taking about stress because you dinged the car, are late for a meeting or have a report due to your boss — rather events associated with major damage, loss of life or property, evaporation of life savings, job loss. Stress is also associated with initiation of alcohol or drug use—acutely stressful situations may prompt those who don’t usually drink or use drugs to do so. Here’s a few suggestions on how to make current stressful events a teachable moment to talk with your teens:

• Teens don’t always cope with stress in healthy ways—in fact, our national research study showed the number one reason teens use drugs is to deal with school stress
• It’s very important for parents, caregivers, teachers and other mentors to pay attention to kids’ stress levels, especially when many of the adults they look up to are feeling the heat
• We have a great tip-sheet on Time To Talk for parents who want to help their kids cope with stress in healthier ways. Here are two:

Discuss How You Deal With Pressure. Have frequent conversations, giving your child details from your own life like, “I’m really worried about getting this proposal in by tomorrow. Do you get anxious like that about school?” Or ask, “Are your friends nervous?” Then you can follow up with, “What about you? How are you dealing with it?”

Make time to connect.Schedule family dinners or get-togethers every week and set it in stone just like sports practice. Use the time to catch up on what’s going on in your kid’s life, including what’s not going well. Stressed kids may feel isolated, which can lead to experimentation with drugs and alcohol. Let them know you love them too much to see them risk getting hurt by experimenting or using.

What are you doing to cope with stress?

• 	Posted by: Steve Pasierb | 1 Comment(s)
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A few years ago, I read an interview with Jamie Lee Curtis, in which she said that parents with concerns about their children’s habits and behaviors—especially addictions—should examine their own behavior. (Curtis has some street cred, having successfully fought drug and alcohol addiction herself.) This notion rang so true to me, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

It makes sense. For one thing, kids clearly look to parents to model behavior. But I have another explanation that is less mainstream: Sometimes I feel as though we attract to our lives that with which we struggle. And it’s always easier to see in others (even our kids) what we can’t see in ourselves.

My children are too young to have issues with drugs and alcohol, but I do get very concerned from time to time about their dependence on TV and electronic games. I have nothing against either of these, in moderation. But for me, a red flag goes up when my kids appear “zoned out” with these screens. There are certain looks and postures that tell me they’re using TV or video games to numb themselves or escape from the world for a while. Even they will admit, during these times, that the games or shows have gone past fun to boring, but they just can’t seem to pull themselves away.

But thanks to Curtis’s remark, during those moments I also turn inward, asking whether I’m “guilty” as well. Here’s how my self-interrogation goes. First, I get defensive and in denial mode: “Hey, I only watch TV at the end of a long day and it’s only for two hours, max. Don’t I deserve that small enjoyment?” Then I vow to reform: “Tomorrow will be a TV-free day. And this time I mean it.” Then I fail. (Often, but not always.) Of course, by then, something has changed in my kids’ lives, and they’ve moved away from screens onto more constructive play. And so have I. Crisis averted. Until the next time.

 
I’m having mixed results—at best–helping my kids recognize numbing or addictive behavior and look at what’s going on beneath the surface. And I have ups and downs in my own attempt to thwart numbing behavior. But I persist in the effort. I do so because I’m hoping we’ll have enough successes in the short term to summon some confidence in the future when the temptations of more destructive behaviors come calling. I know there are no guarantees, but in the meantime, I figure it can only help to see where my own weaknesses show up in my kids and to practice hitting the off button.

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Nancy Branka | 1 Comment(s)
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Teens love to talk: they love to talk online, on AIM, on the phone, at school, after-school, at the mall, in the car, behind their friends back – what on earth are they talking about? And why does sudden lock-jaw occur when parents are within a five foot radius?

I decided to see what the most popular calls were at a hotline called Teenline (where teens call in to get help from other teenagers). So what are the most popular issues? What do teens today really worry about? And why aren’t these issues brought up more with parents, counselors and teachers who can actually give advice and seek help?

1) Relationships
Teens frequently want to talk to other teens about relationships with parents, siblings, friends and teachers. This is a broad topic I know, but interactions, building relationships and friendships are extremely important to teenagers.

2) Abuse
This includes sexual, physical, verbal and neglect as types of abuse. Many teens call in for ‘friends’ or people they know who are being abused to talk about what abuse actually means. Frequently, teens want to know where is the line between parents who are yelling and verbal abuse? What are the laws on spanking children?

3) Sex
Despite the attempts of many school health classes, teens have lots of questions about pregnancy, condoms, abstinence and oral sex.

4) Drugs and Alcohol
Issues with addiction and parties come up for teens when they know of friends who might be dealing or using drugs — or concerns about their own use.

5) Suicide
Unfortunately, a great number of teens think, worry about or know someone who is considering suicide. Many times teens feel isolated and alone and need someone to talk to, but do not know where to turn when they might get in trouble or have to divulge secrets they are not ready to tell.

Surprisingly, Teenline gets an equal number of male and female callers. All kinds of teens today are dealing with these issues, not just girls, not just poor kids, not just rich kids, not just kids in private school…everyone is dealing with these important, and sometimes very serious issues.

For parents, maybe you are wondering — why your teen does not talk to you about these things. Teens feel uncomfortable talking to adults because they feel they will not understand what is going on for them today, they are afraid they will get in trouble and worry that they will be judged.

Therefore, it is important for adults to be aware that even though teens might not act like drugs or sex is a big deal to them, they do actually worry about these issues.
 

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 2 Comment(s)
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Sometime between the age of 12 and 17 there is a deep dark void that develops between dads and teen girls.  I like to call it the “anti-daddy” period.  Have you experienced this? For me, this lasted about two years.

Here are some tips to help fathers understand and bond with their teenage daughters:

1) Realize What We Think

Teen-Vanessa:
-Everything dad does is totally wrong
-Everything dad does is horrendously embarrassing
-Everything dad does is, like, predictably stupid
-Spending as little time as possible with dad is ideal
-Dad, clearly, secretly wants to make my life miserable
-Dad sooooo does not get me…even though he thinks he does (which is infuriating)
-Dad has, obviously, never been anything like me

I hope that you are reading this list thinking, “No, not me and my daughter!” Congratulations, you must be way cooler than my dad, because these 7 thoughts became my mantra for two years.   Understand that this is normal.

2) It Passes

I feel bad actually now, but the good thing is, it passes.  My dad, when he reads this, is hopefully laughing…and agreeing??  I do have a great relationship now with both my dad and my step-dad (and had some of the worst ones when I was younger). So, it does get better…hopefully before her wedding day.

3) Have a Regular Date

When you are constantly asking to spend time with her, it feels like a nag.  If you can set-up a regular time, this will be less of an obstacle and she might secretly look forward to it.

4) Treat Us Like A Grenade…if we explode all over you do not take it personally

What you think of as just a comment, we see as unsolicited, offensive, horrible, degrading advice…sometimes.  There are some days when anything you say we are going to freak out at.  Expect this and try not to take it personally.

5) Admit You Are A Dork

Even if Pierce Brosnan was my dad, I would think he was a big loser (and he is the coolest guys I can think of).  The point is, we are going to think you are a big dork, if you just embrace this we will not fight it as much. (We will realize you are cool later).

6) Be a Constant Love

One thing I remember and so appreciate about both of my dads is that they are extremely constant.  They don’t really have mood swings, I know their stances on political issues, what they eat for breakfast and that they love me.  When you are a constant for them, they will go to you more often and love you for it.  You might not realize we appreciate this, but teen girls live in hormonal, social, emotional ups and downs, so you as a rock of love no matter what, is really a relief.

See Dad, I got better! I promise my sisters will too. = )

• 	Posted by: Vanessa Van Petten | 2 Comment(s)
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I keep telling my 16-year-old daughter, Adrianne, to watch what she writes online, because Internet stupidity lives on forever.

When I was her age, I did stupid things, but they were never recorded for posterity. That’s because there was no YouTube, MySpace, or Facebook. The Internet as we know it didn’t even exist.

 Well, things have changed. Someone steps in doggy doo, there’s video up in 15 minutes.

If that had been the case when I was 16, everyone would have known about my first experience with mass rejection.

It happened at a party in the 80s. The DJ played my favorite LL Cool J-tune, and I stupidly approached a group of girls who were dancing with each other, and asked one to dance with me.

The young lady looked at her friends like, “I know this fool did not just ask me to dance.”

I should have walked away then. Problem was, I had asked, so I was kind of obligated to wait for the answer. Knowing this, her girlfriends began circling like sharks.  

They never said anything aloud. Their opinions were clearly etched on their faces.

The one in the tight Gloria Vanderbilts scrunched up her nose as if to say, “He’s not cool enough.”  The one with the perm twisted her lips to signal, “He’s not cute enough.” The one with the huge gold earrings tugged at her ear, which clearly meant, “He’s broke.” 

Having been struck down by the Council-of-Girls-Who-Dance-Together, I had only to wait for their leader to make it official.

When she opened her mouth to give her answer, the music seemed to stop and the whole room appeared to be watching.  

“No,” she said, her voice echoing across the room.

Then the music resumed, and the crowd, having been entertained at my expense, turned away.

Today, that incident would turn out much worse. 

A cell phone video of the entire exchange would get 30 million hits on YouTube. Then someone would begin a discussion thread on their Facebook page called: Solomon got played – the true story.

“First she said ‘no,’” the poster would write. “Then she pulled out a stun gun, and Solomon was like, ‘Don’t taze me bro!’ She said, ‘My name ain’t bro!’ and she tazed him anyway.” 

Thankfully, things have changed for me. I am now secure enough – and women my age are flexible enough – that if I was single and approached the Council-of-Girls-Who-Dance-Together, they’d look at me differently.

They’d see my necktie and determine that I’m gainfully employed. I’d smile and they’d guess that I have dental insurance. If I jingled my car keys it might start a catfight.
With my luck, the brawl would make YouTube. Then someone would start a Facebook thread called: “Solomon’s a womanizing jerk.”

Knowing the probability of these things happening to me makes me paranoid enough to believe that they can happen to my kids. That’s why I periodically make my daughter pull up her Facebook page so I can peruse it.

If you’re a parent who’s anything like me, you should do it, too. 

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Solomon Jones | 5 Comment(s)
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Last night I attended a fantastic presentation in Fairfax County, VA by an organization called Enough Is Enough. Their mission is to “Make the internet safer for children and their families.”  The tools and resources they have compiled for parents over the past two years are invaluable; the intensity of the information is scary; and the message is critical to the safety of our children and their future.  So what can you do as a parent to be the first line of defense for your child?

I used breakfast time this morning to chat with my oldest son about some of the things I learned.  To my surprise he was interested and attentive to the information I had to share. 

One thing I learned is that 7 out of 10 youth have been exposed to some form of inappropriate content and 79% of it is viewed in the home.  My son confided he had seen an image while at a friend’s house and luckily, he didn’t feel ashamed or scared to tell me. I reassured him it is totally normal for a young person to want to see a naked woman (or man) and when approached in a healthy manner there is nothing wrong with the desire to know or understand more about how the sexual body works. 

Parents fear having these conversations with their children either out of their own embarrassment or discomfort about their children having knowledge about sex.  The problem is, kids do “know” about sex and have access to information about it at their fingertips and what they can’t easily find an answer to they will gladly ask a stranger who will be more than happy to provide an answer for them and often not in the manner in which a parent would approve of.

The first line of defense a parent can rely on starts with the bond they establish with their child.  Children who don’t have trust with a caregiver are more vulnerable than children who are connected. 

Second is the need for parents to become educated about what their tweens and teens are exposed to or have access to.  Just because a child tells you they aren’t doing something doesn’t mean it’s true.  Pay attention to their actions or behavior or what I like to call- tuning into your child (using your intuition).  Educate yourself about social networks, texting, IMing, and other online activities your teen engages in.  If you aren’t aware of the potential dangers your children will face, how will you know how to respond?

Finally, don’t be afraid to be the parent.  Oftentimes we work hard to be our children’s friends when what they need is someone who will establish boundaries and be their parent.  It’s one way kids know their parents love and care for them.  Ask questions, set limits, be invasive if the situation warrants; take back your authority as the experienced adult in the house, but always remember to be respectful, listen and encourage your child to be open and honest with you about whatever they need to talk about.

The fact is kids are going to be curious and they will find away to satisfy their curiosity.  As parents, we need to teach them how to manage the information they receive so they can make the right choices. 
 

• 	Posted by: Tara Paterson | 8 Comment(s)
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Let me make it clear that by no means am I a prude and in general I spend very little time (perhaps too little) worrying about how sex, drugs and the like are represented in popular media. (Maybe part of the reason I don’t think about it all that much is because my son is only three and therefore, the years when I won’t be able to just turn off whatever I don’t want to expose him to seem like some far off time in the distant future when kids dress in silver jumpsuits and are hovering off to high school on flying scooters.) When my son’s not around I listen to explicit rap music and I’ve been an ardent fan of more graphic TV shows such as The Wire for years now.

Despite this, on a recent visit back the U.S.A. (I’ve been living abroad for over five years now), I started watching a little hit show I’m sure you all know about called Gossip Girl and for the first time in ages, I found myself to be, well, shocked.

From what I can gather, Gossip Girl is to the current generation of teens what Beverly Hills 90210 was to mine or what The O.C. was to the one that came after. We all know the story- a bunch of privileged, good-looking adolescents who don’t say “um” nearly as much as any teenager I’ve ever met, run around having wittyesque conversation while at the same time wrecking constant havoc in each other’s lives. Some of them are good and some of them are evil while others are just misunderstood. Every so often the evil ones will do something likable just to keep us on our toes and the good ones will feel misunderstood and then the misunderstood ones will try to help and so on and so forth.

Gossip Girl is what happens when you take this formula and then put it on steroids with a shot of coke, literally. Of course there were drugs on 90210 and The O.C. There was also sex and eating disorders and kids with drinking problems. The difference is that on 90210, and to a somewhat lesser extent on The O.C., these things were treated as issues that had serious consequences. If someone had a drinking problem it was the focus of an entire episode. In some extreme cases it even took two or three episodes to deal with the problem!

Gossip Girl is different in that getting drunk, using drugs and having sex in high school are merely seen as par for the course. In one episode I watched, “good girl” Serena van der Woodsen is tormented because she has a secret that she is keeping from her boyfriend. Her friends press her to tell them what it is and finally she gives in and starts to confess. It started with the night she got wasted and slept with her best friend’s boyfriend. Later after drunkenly going to a hotel with some friends, she tries to avoid having sex with one of them by suggesting he do a few lines of coke. He does and overdoses at which point her other friend convinces her to flee the scene. Later she watches as his dead body is carried out of the hotel. In short, teenagers getting wasted, sleeping with their best friends’ boyfriends, and doing coke are not enough shock value for today’s teen audience. There now must be a dead body, a cover-up, and oh, did I mention a secret sex tape gone wrong?

How does watching this sort of TV show influence adolescents? Do they just see the rampant sex and drug use as another part of an exaggerated fairy tale world that they’re logically aware is only accessible to .000001% of the population? Is that supposed to make it okay? Dawn Ostroff, president of The CW network seems to think so, telling the New York Times that “Everybody approached this with the understanding that this was a heightened reality… It wasn’t teenagers as we know them throughout the country.” The thing that’s dangerous about this is that while it’s true that the majority of teenagers are unlikely to ever have access to Park Avenue penthouses and designer swimwear; drugs, alcohol and sex are the one part of this fairy tale that every kid in America does have access to.

In an attempt to ward off criticism Stephanie Savage, one of the show’s producers, told the LA Times that people who say that the show “glamorizes teen drinking and sex” aren’t “really watching the episodes… There’s decision-making, regret and consequences involved.” Oh really? Funny because I haven’t really seen any obvious consequences to the martini glass that seems to be permanently attached to bad-boy Chuck Bass’s hand. But maybe I’m just not watching hard enough.

But what is a parent to do? I honestly don’t know. I’m certainly not the first person to make a fuss over the show. The Parents Television Council has been up in arms since the show’s inception, only to have their criticisms turned into a “clever” ad campaign in which quotes from the PTC about the show (”mind-blowingly inappropriate”), are superimposed over steamy images of the half-nude teen characters. In the end, rather than coming off as sensible and caring parents who may have a point, the critics are seen as a bunch of over-reacting fuddy duddies with nothing better to do than promoting censorship. I’m genuinely curious about how parents of adolescents out there are handling this show and others like it. Any good suggestions?

• 	Posted by: Johanna Bailey | 9 Comment(s)
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