Why look at risky teen behavior as a communications issue?

Consider this:

• Parents need to teach your teens how to assess and evaluate the myriad messages about teen behavior that are delivered to them daily through mass media.
• Only in an open and effective communication environment will you have regular opportunities to influence and guide your teen.

Here are some quotes and facts:
• One recent-teen in my survey-based report titled PARENTING TEENAGERS: The Agony and the Ecstasy said “Most of the kids I know who are irresponsible about drinking have parents who think they are angels.” You can’t keep your teen safe if you don’t know what s/he is up to.
• The number one deterrent to kids’ substance abuse is parents!
• The more strongly kids know that their parents disapprove of them using drugs and alcohol, the lower the incidence rates among teens. Note it’s not just about parents disapproving of this risky teen behavior, it requires communication so that teens know this is how their parents feel.

You can see good communication is essential in the effort to keep your teens away from alcohol and drug use.

So let’s discuss three ways you can improve the communication between you and your teen.

1. Begin with Connection.  Parents of teenagers sometimes complain that their kids don’t want to talk with them. While some teens don’t want to share all of the details about their life with their parents, there are ways parents can keep the communication open and it helps to focus on connection  first. Connection means you are sharing time together; it means you care about one another’s feelings and experiences; it means there is common ground. Connection is a prerequisite for communication, and if communication isn’t happening, parents need to step backwards and focus on what you can do to improve the connection. Focus on your common ground. Find ways to share time together and have some fun. By focusing on your connection you are likely to find that communication opens up again naturally.

2. Listen More, Talk Less.  Overall, parents get pretty poor grades from teens for listening. You may think you listen, but according to teenagers, parents are much more likely to push your point of view than listen to theirs. The more you hear from your teenager about his thoughts, beliefs and feelings, the more able you will be to provide guidance. It seems we were given help naturally here: we have twice as many mechanisms for listening as we do for talking! 

3. Make a Deposit.  The “emotional bank account” is the amount of trust that has built up between two people. You “make deposits” into your daughter’s emotional bank account by sharing pleasant time together and by expressing thoughtfulness, kindness, courtesy, honesty, sensitivity to her feelings.  You “make withdrawals” from her account by overreacting, treating her with disrespect, ignoring her, betraying her trust. As you face difficulties with your teen, your ability to weather storms together will be directly impacted by the amount of value that has been build up in the emotional bank account. Bank accounts that are healthy and full reflect and generate quality communication.

Parents who develop, nurture, respect and value honest and open communication with their teenagers, are usually rewarded with it. Keep your focus here, and you’ll be able to provide the guidance and input that can be the essential difference between a teen who flirts with dangerous activities, and one who makes healthier choices.

For more ideas about enhancing your relationship with your teens, check out my weekly Two Minute Tips for parenting teens. Here’s a specific one you might like: Write Your Teen a Love Note.

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  Posted by: Guest Blogger: Sue Blaney