Finding Balance…an Elusive, Yet Vital Goal
If you are like all the parents of teenagers that I’ve spoken with over the past decade, you’re in a continual search to find balance. Parents of teens regularly ask questions that illustrate this, such as: How do I find the balance between being a “parent” and being a “friend?” Do I push my teenager to try new things or allow her to hang back? How do I know when to say “yes” and when to say “No?” What’s the right level of freedom for my teenager?
Your search to answer the questions above may frustrate you at times, because there are many ways to answer the questions. And your answers today will be different than your answers next spring, or the following fall. That’s one of the difficulties…the answers change. And except in some key areas like drug and alcohol use, there are many shades of gray, creating challenges for parents.
“Balance” takes on a special meaning when it comes to parental monitoring…a key element in keeping your teens safe from experimenting with risky behavior. What do you consider the right level of parental monitoring? It will likely vary depending on the age of your teenager, and surely higher levels of monitoring are important for younger teens. Here are some well-recognized guidelines:
* Know where your teen is when s/he is not at home or at school,
* Know who s/he is with,
* Know how to get in touch with her.
* If she has a cell phone, know the land-line phone number of where she is.
* Know the cell phone numbers of her closest friends.
* When your teenager is going to a party at a friend’s home, call ahead to verify adults will be present and actively monitoring activities there.
* If you drop your teen off at a friend’s home with whom you are not acquainted, go to the door and introduce yourself.
* Don’t be shy to directly verify that no alcohol will be served to minors.
Advice from recent teens:
What if your teenager said to you that she is expecting you to make the tough decisions for her? What if he said he was holding you accountable to help keep him safe? Would knowing that impact the way you monitor your teen? Well, they may not say this to your face, but this is exactly what most teens feel deep down. In PARENTING TEENS: The Agony and the Ecstasy, we report on comments from young adults in their early 20s who were very recently teens themselves. Their comments can guide you in your search for the right balance in your parental monitoring…and their guidance may surprise you. They say: “My parents were right in giving me a midnight curfew. After midnight a teen can’t do anything that isn’t illegal.” “Teenagers need boundaries whether they say so or not.” “Have a healthy distrust. Teenagers these days are doing things that you would never think possible. With this healthy distrust you need to put responsibility on your teenagers. But do not distrust so much that there is a distance.”
The balance of applying the right degree of monitoring often becomes trickier as your teens grow into the upper years of high school. While you may allow your teen more freedom and independence, the comfortable balance that allows you a good night’s sleep may still elude you. To make good choices for you and your family, you’ll need a combination of intuition, honest and open communication with your teenager, and a realistic knowledge about what is going on in his peer group.
Find support in a parent discussion group:
This is why having a support network of parents is so important. Not only will a network of peers keep you knowledgeable, realistic and informed, you benefit from having a group of friends with whom you can explore your choices, feelings and issues. Your friend may allow a different level of freedom for her 7th grader than you feel comfortable with, but it helps you to hear her rationale. Even if it simply confirms your own choice, there is benefit in that. Of course, in a support group you can learn strategies that others have found helpful; you will learn that you are not alone and the struggles you face look awfully similar to the struggles taking place in other families.
Parents who have been in parent discussion groups have found that discussing issues with their peers is profoundly valuable. The elusive balance that you seek can be found in dynamic, and regular conversation with other parents. Parents who have been in discussion groups say things like: “I’ve felt very isolated in my parenting. It was so helpful to hear another approach.” “This has helped me learn that I have to let go and be more flexible. And it helps to hear about how others in the group are letting out the rope…” “This group allowed me to address the bigger issues, and the more private issues. I’m unlikely to have a casual conversation with a friend or acquaintance about ‘how do you check for alcohol at your parties?’”
The search for balance isn’t answered by one approach, one answer, one event. Finding balance is an ever-changing process. The process is supported by accessing the excellent resources here on the Partnership’s website, and by regularly connecting with your fellow parents of teens. Here are some resources to learn how you can create your own parent discussion group.
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how is your teen supposed to have any friends if when they go to a party you just walk up to the door and introduce your self?
and of course there’s not going to be parents there and theres going to be alcohol because its a party.
you’re going to embaress your teen and ruin their teenage years -
parties are a part of teenage life and you should talk to your teen about being responsible if they happen to go to a party and drink etc.
if your teen abuses these privileges than you can simply tell them they cant go to parties anymore until they prove themselves responsible or take your teens keys away after a certain time so they wont be going out to parties.
yeah I agree with the above comment. My parents always asked me those exact questions and warned that they will go up to the door and ask to speak to an adult. And it really made me angry so I learned to get rides from my friends. Which is more dangerous than if they had just dropped me if themselves. The last party I went to, I just told them the truth, and explained that it’s part of being a teen, and they didn’t mind too much. I got dropped of at a wild homecoming party that got broken up by the cops at midnight or so… no harm there. And I’m no druggie or alcoholic either- class salutatorian as of last Friday. I doubt you actually raised teens with those rules, and if you did, I feel bad for them and their poor sense of independence as a result.
To both Gale and Mark, thank you for your comments. While we disagree, I am glad to hear your thoughts. I suppose if I was on another website commenting, I might want to take issue with several of your points, but we’re here on the Partnership for a Drug Free America…so it must be obvious that your experiences and comments are at odds with what we are trying to communicate here. You help articulate the problems, assumptions (of both teens and parents) and experiences of many teens. Truthfully, that’s why we’re trying to share the advice that we share. Gale, you even note that the route you chose to take was “dangerous”… responsible parents hold themselves accountable for helping to keep their teens safe - even if they make decisions teens don’t like.
The check list in the blog is admirable but anyone with a truly rebellious teenager like my 16 year old knows the futility of the list. In spite of his middle class, two parent upbringing he is defiant, angry, drinks and drugs. All of the touchy-feely advice given throughout this website absolutely does not address the needs of parents such as myself with real problem kids. The list implies a level of cooperation from the teenager that they don’t have to give you. My son is purposely secretive about his friends, thier names, where they live, where they go and what they do. I seldom get more than a i’m with a friends when i call his cell and if he doesn’t want to give me that much he simply doesn’t pick up the phone. When he was in middle school some of the above was within my power but now as an older teenager he has taken away my ability to parent and control his actions. Frankly, i resent these websites because i believe they are as unhelpful as the “just say no” campaign. Everyone including his therapist gives the same advice; i’ve done it all and it hasn’t worked - now what? I’ve just finished cleaning up the mess in his bedroom caused by his first bout of binge drinking until 3:30 AM, i can’t imagine what the next shoe to drop will be.
Stacey - You’re right. And the reason the advice in this article sounds simplistic and unhelpful to you is because your situation is more advanced. I suggest you need a new professional to advise you before things spin even more out of control. I wrote a full response to you on my website here: http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2009/06/17/when-reality-with-teens-looks-grim/ Good luck.
Teenagers are human beings who require the kind of care and guidance that Sue Blaney is sharing. I applaud her for taking on this hot-button topic.
I have 2 teenaged step-sons who know they can talk to either myself or their dad. We bring up topics all the time (even at dinner) that make them cringe, but need to be brought up. While we often don’t get a lot of discussion at the time, they know we’re willing to talk about anything (their mom is a vet, and I teach biology… so our dinner conversations don’t skirt issues!). They also know that the most dangerous thing for their physical, emotional and mental health is a secret and they trust that we will listen to them and see things from their standpoint when they have something weighing on them.
In my work over the past few years in a highschool program for at-risk kids we find a lot of “problem kids” who are attending counselling on their own because they’ve been labelled the problem in the family. I’m still astounded that more professionals don’t take stronger steps to include the family and not just the “identified patient” when there’s trouble. In case meetings about specific students that often include probation officers, social workers, psychologists (and even psychiatrists), teachers and parents, the big elephant in the middle of the table is that there are other (often still secret) problems within the family (that when they finally come out, often arise from unresolved issues that the parents were burdened with from their own families) - and until the family issues are addressed the teen will continue to experience problems.
Sadly, binge drinking has become “part of teenaged life” for all too many teens. This wasn’t always as prevalent, and should not be considered “normal” and healthy. Now that we know more about the extent of brain development during the teen years, I’m afraid of the effects that this drinking will have in the long-term for these kids.
We have been doing a lot as a family (as did the boys’ mom and dad when they were together) to make sure that they have a healthier idea of what is “normal and healthy”. I know that our boys’ mom and dad (now my husband) have always allowed the kids to mess up and then talk things through (often having the same conversation many times… at least the parents get better at it with time) - so I am hoping that this life-long “inoculation” will pay off in self-respect and self-restraint as they approach the older teenaged years. They are also involved in groups like scouts and cadets (they chose it, not us) where they are supervised and trained to do the adventurous things they do…. and no parents!
…and one last thing. I would advise Stacey to find a counsellor for herself… even if there is no significant family issue, she’s under a ton of stress in this situation and can benefit from a neutral and professional third party to talk to. Where I live, my physician was working also as a counsellor, so it was covered.