Why look at risky teen behavior as a communications issue?

Consider this:

• Parents need to teach your teens how to assess and evaluate the myriad messages about teen behavior that are delivered to them daily through mass media.
• Only in an open and effective communication environment will you have regular opportunities to influence and guide your teen.

Here are some quotes and facts:
• One recent-teen in my survey-based report titled PARENTING TEENAGERS: The Agony and the Ecstasy said “Most of the kids I know who are irresponsible about drinking have parents who think they are angels.” You can’t keep your teen safe if you don’t know what s/he is up to.
• The number one deterrent to kids’ substance abuse is parents!
• The more strongly kids know that their parents disapprove of them using drugs and alcohol, the lower the incidence rates among teens. Note it’s not just about parents disapproving of this risky teen behavior, it requires communication so that teens know this is how their parents feel.

You can see good communication is essential in the effort to keep your teens away from alcohol and drug use.

So let’s discuss three ways you can improve the communication between you and your teen. (More…)

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Sue Blaney | 1 Comment(s)
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Each day the first thing I ask my son as he walks through the door (after “how was your day?”) is whether he has homework.  Often he will say, “Yes, but it’s really easy.”  He has always been a child who handles his responsibilities so I have never had to come down on him about his school work — until now. 

Yesterday I received a phone call from his math teacher.  She assured me he is doing well on quizzes and tests — but has missed turning in the last two homework assignments. Hmmm, I thought to myself. 

So here I have made sure to ask him about his homework each day and he has confidently assured me he is doing it only to find out the contrary!  His teacher told me that they will have math homework everyday and that he should not be doing it in resource (our version of a study hall).  His teacher also shared that he verbally calculated what his grade would be having received a few 100s on some tests and quizzes combined with 0s on some homework assignments. 

I was on the phone when he first arrived home from school that day and to my surprise, when I came down the stairs, he was diligently doing his homework.  Before I could even spit out the words, “Guess who I talked to today…” he responded with “I know, I know.”  (More…)

• 	Posted by: Tara Paterson | 3 Comment(s)
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From the window next to my computer, I can look out and see groups of young men walking down the street.  They are wearing jackets and ties and seem to be at a loss as to exactly what they are supposed to be doing.  They’re not sure of the protocol as they slowly make their way up the street to a house not far from mine.  They have just returned from a funeral of their friend - a young man just a couple of years out of high school.  A few days ago, from this same window, I could see the paramedics and fire department and a few hours later the medical examiner all approaching the same house.  A night of alcohol and drugs mixed with a young man’s feeling of invincibility came to a tragic end.  I pray for the boy.  I pray for the family.  And, I pray for the young men who don’t know what they are supposed to be doing.  Hopefully, they will figure out more than how to act at a funeral.  Hopefully, they will figure out how to keep another funeral from happening. 

• 	Posted by: James Ponti | 5 Comment(s)
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Gas prices are bad enough. But there’s another thing that makes our family car trips annoying. 

It’s not my wife, LaVeta. She just wants to be chauffeured. My 6-year-old daughter, Eve, occupies herself with mirrors and play makeup. Sixteen-year-old Adrianne dons her iPod while texting at a mind-numbing pace.   

Four-year-old Little Solomon? Between bouts of hitting his sister, he has this aggravating habit of asking us to play RUN-DMC.

I guess I should be grateful. Most RUN-DMC lyrics are pretty tame. 

“I’m the king of rock / There is none higher / Sucker MC’s / Should call me sire / To burn my kingdom you must use fire / I won’t stop rockin’ ‘til I retire.”

Great song. Problem is, Little Solomon has been asking us to play it every day since 2006. Factor in the getting-on-my-nerves element, and it seems we’ve heard it, oh, about 500,000 times.

In an effort to stave off insanity, we’ve begun playing the radio instead. And since we can’t afford satellite radio, most of the songs aren’t for kids. That is, unless you want your pre-kindergartener hearing stuff like:

“Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, oh no!”

Oh no is right. Between the suggestive lyrics and the E.D. commercials, we often find ourselves playing Name That Tune.

Me: “I can name a Beyonce song in three notes.”

LaVeta: “I can name it in two!”

Me: “Name that tune!”

The last time LaVeta and I raced to change the station before the kids could hear some suggestive little tidbit, it hit me. Parenting is very much like playing a game show.

But as a parent, you don’t play just one game show. You play them all.

When Eve is performing a Mary Poppins number for the 40th time, I end up wishing I could morph into Chuck Barris from The Gong Show, and banish her from the stage.

When Little Solomon is crawling under Eve’s chair as she’s eating Cheerios, I imagine he’s a contestant on Survivor. Our carpet is the jungle, the soggy Cheerios are the worms he must eat, and LaVeta and I are the nearby production team that will make sure he lives through it all. 

Sometimes game show parenting is actually fun. Like when we play Family Feud.  

Me: “How many days this week has daddy eaten junk when he wasn’t supposed to?”

Eve hits her buzzer and says, “One!”

Me: “Survey says … seven!” 

The possibilities are endless. Spinning the Wheel of Fortune to see who stays up late, opening the closet door and having them jump in to play Hole In The Wall. Having them answer astrophysics questions like they’re on Jeopardy.

All of that is intriguing, of course. But all I really want to do is let them be kids. I’ve started by censoring the radio. In a world where almost everything glorifies booze, drugs or sex, I wonder what I’ll have to turn off next.    

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Solomon Jones | 0 Comment(s)
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If you are like all the parents of teenagers that I’ve spoken with over the past decade, you’re in a continual search to find balance. Parents of teens regularly ask questions that illustrate this, such as: How do I find the balance between being a “parent” and being a “friend?” Do I push my teenager to try new things or allow her to hang back? How do I know when to say “yes” and when to say “No?”  What’s the right level of freedom for my teenager? 

Your search to answer the questions above may frustrate you at times, because there are many ways to answer the questions. And your answers today will be different than your answers next spring, or the following fall. That’s one of the difficulties…the answers change. And except in some key areas like drug and alcohol use, there are many shades of gray, creating challenges for parents.

“Balance” takes on a special meaning when it comes to parental monitoring…a key element in keeping your teens safe from experimenting with risky behavior. What do you consider the right level of parental monitoring? It will likely vary depending on the age of your teenager, and surely higher levels of monitoring are important for younger teens. Here are some well-recognized guidelines:
  * Know where your teen is when s/he is not at home or at school,
  * Know who s/he is with,
  * Know how to get in touch with her.
  * If she has a cell phone, know the land-line phone number of where she is.
  * Know the cell phone numbers of her closest friends.
  * When your teenager is going to a party at a friend’s home, call ahead to verify adults will be present and actively monitoring activities there.
  * If you drop your teen off at a friend’s home with whom you are not acquainted, go to the door and introduce yourself.
  * Don’t be shy to directly verify that no alcohol will be served to minors.

Advice from recent teens: (More…)

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Sue Blaney | 6 Comment(s)
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Let’s talk about our culture.

Parents of teens are afraid. In my survey of over 350 parents of teenagers I heard parents express a degree of fear that’s alarming.  Parents of teens said “I’m afraid my teenager won’t make it out of his/her teens ALIVE!”

We need to look at this closely. One particularly articulate man said:  Most of society seems to be giving a diametrically opposed message to the ones I am giving my kids. The “outside” message, from films and TV and music and the media, seems to be “have sex, drink and take drugs, resort to violence to solve disputes, treat partners badly, and never confide in your parents. Oh, and driving fast is cool too.”

Does he speak for you? Do you feel our culture is teaching your children to engage in behavior that you disagree with? Consider whether you want to accept this or fight it.

Here’s another quote from our survey:  Teenagers have unlimited access to information and communication. I feel like a dog chasing a tail. I feel powerless and totally out of control. I cannot possibly keep up with the constant barrage of messages my teens receive. Of course, this is the backdrop to my constant fear that they will use drugs and engage in unhealthy and unsafe sexual activity. 

How does this mom’s quote make you feel? It worries me. Parents don’t have the luxury to throw up your hands and allow yourselves to be overwhelmed by the culture. And parenting from a place of fear is parenting from a place of weakness.

That’s not good enough. You owe your teens more than that.

If you parent from a place of fear, not only do you deprive your teen of vital support, you are less able to be rational, and to establish and maintain good communication with your teenager… and good communication is the key to your success. When one client of mine realized that fear had been driving her parenting decisions it caused her to engage in some deep reflection about her own behavior. She said “I realized I had been trying to fix my son, only to discover he wasn’t broken.”

Create your own family culture:  Parents, you create a culture in your own family, and in your own home. And the stronger your family culture is, the more able you are to counter the cultural messages that you disagree with that come into your home via myriad modes of communication.

What kind of a culture do you want to promote? Here are some suggestions: (More…)

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Sue Blaney | 1 Comment(s)
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Empathy…that’s what parents of teenagers need these days! I ran a small luncheon workshop yesterday in a workplace and had a dozen pairs of worried eyes hanging on every word. Dads show up, as do moms, hoping that I’ll unlock the keys to their teenager’s mystifying behavior. “How do I get my daughter to speak to me without that nasty tone of voice?” one asks. “How do I help my son feel good about his talents as he follows a high-achieving older brother?” asks another. “My daughter is afraid to try new things…”  “My son has a new group of friends, and I don’t like it but I can’t put my finger on why…”  Caring parents of teenagers worry and wonder what to do.

As we went around the table, each parent was asked to share their one big question, the issue they wanted to discuss at our meeting. It didn’t take long…we weren’t half-way through this group of twelve, when parents started saying “What’s on my mind is what he just said,” pointing to the Dad who just spoke. “Yes, I agree…that’s what I wonder about too.”

And that’s my point. The empathy you need is one conversation away.
So let’s talk!

Why do parents sometimes stress about raising your teenagers? I see three major reasons:
1. You face contradictions and paradoxes that are confusing. Consider this:
• You need to provide support and boundaries at the same time your teen’s developing independence may push you away,
• You may need to pressure your kids for academic success, but at the same time you want to teach them to be more self-reliant,
• You need to provide guidance to direct teens away from risky behavior but we live amidst a culture that promotes seemingly infinite ways for kids to go astray.
You wonder how to achieve the balance between these seemingly opposing forces.

2. Your teenagers are changing so fast you’re not sure what “normal” behavior is for teens. When your child was a little baby you would read the books on development, so you knew when to expect new behaviors and milestones, but now you’re not so sure. And your 7th grader sure looks and acts different than her sister did when she was in 7th grade.

3. Our busy culture has you spinning – you’re over committed and life is happening so fast you’re usually just reacting, rather than being proactive in your parenting. To make things worse, you have little time to spend with other parents of teenagers who can help you process and respond to the changes that are going on in your home and remind you that you are not alone.
 
Sound familiar?

There are common themes that emerge among parents of teenagers, themes parents wonder about and worry about. They include:
• Finding balance
• Concerns about the culture and your teens’ peer environment
• Communication between parents and teens

Given that I’m guest blogging on the website for the Partnership for a Drug-Free America, lets look at these themes in the context of teenagers and risky behavior.
Over the next two weeks I’ll offer a short series where we’ll examine each of these themes and provide tips and food for thought to help parents.

So let’s get back to empathy…where can you find the empathy that you deserve? I’ve got just the place: download a free report titled PARENTING TEENAGERS: The Agony and the Ecstasy. This report is based on over 350 survey responses from parents of teenagers, and if you want to know you’re not alone in your concerns, you’ll find that this validating report quotes parents from around the country and paints a picture that will really get you thinking. It’s free; you don’t have to share your email address…just click and download. It’s worth your time – I promise.
 

• 	Posted by: Guest Blogger: Sue Blaney | 2 Comment(s)
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My son started middle school this past week and, wow, what a transformation has already taken place.  Friends with older children warned us of the changes we would see, but I had no idea they would happen so quickly.  The first few days all we heard about from our son was about every new girl he met and how he liked each one of them.  By the weekend, he asked me where his jeans were.

“Jeans?” I said. “You haven’t worn jeans in two years and the ones I bought you last year are way too short!”

“I like jeans now,” he said.

Oh boy did I want to string him up by his toes.  On the fourth day he lost his lunch box; I had to remind him numerous times to bring me the important forms I needed to sign; and breakfast is now eaten in a record 10 minutes so he can get to the bus stop to play football with the other neighborhood kids.  I gave him a cell phone so I can keep tabs on his busy schedule.  I resisted this for some time, but have come to believe that today’s children are virtually born with technology engrained in their little tween bodies, however, this is where it gets tricky and where we as parents need to stick together.

I decided the best way to keep myself informed about his new life, was to become involved in the PTO.  Rumors in our area have circled warning that parents quickly lose touch with their kids once they enter middle school.  With a student body of over 1200 kids (in only two grades) I can understand how this began, because up until last year it doesn’t appear there was an active parent-teacher network of communication.  How then does one remain in the loop with their rising tween?  Get involved.

We know from research that the tween years are critical years in our child’s life and the time most parents take their hands off the wheel.  What they didn’t learn in elementary school from the kids with older siblings, they are now going learn about on the bus, in the halls, and at lunch.

At our first PTO officer meeting, we deduced it’s not surprising to see more parents than students in the classrooms and hallways of the elementary schools, but by 6th grade parents are rarely seen in the hallways (unless they have been summoned by the administration for some inappropriate deed done by their child.)  Why is this?  Do most parents assume other parents will pick up the slack to meet the needs of their child too?  I don’t mean to be harsh, but this is the a critical time in our child’s journey to their teen years and the time when they begin to feel the pressure of their friends, the media and pop culture.  If parents aren’t aware or informed about what’s going on in their child’s daily life at school, they most likely won’t know what’s going on anywhere else either.

So how can you stay informed and connected with your child? Here are four tips for parenting tweens:

(More…)

• 	Posted by: Tara Paterson | 2 Comment(s)
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