I begin this blog with a math problem: In your teenager’s school cafeteria, there are 20 tables. Each table seats 12 kids. In the cafeteria there is 1 “popular boys” table and 1 “popular girls” table (unless your child is in high school, in which case, there are 2 “popular co-ed” tables). Based on these numbers, what percentage of the kids in your teenager’s school cafeteria are popular? (Answer: 10%)    

One thing that all parents seem to have in common is the belief that their teens are cool. But, despite the fact that your child has one hundred-twenty-seven Facebook friends and the uncanny ability to speak totes in abbrevs, this simply isn’t true. Based on my calculations (which I suppose aren’t statistically accurate but promise are based on real-life experience), there is a ninety-percent chance that your teen isn’t popular, even if every clue you’re seeing indicates that he or she is the messiah of the entire teeny-bopping kingdom. No matter how many texts your daughter sent last month or how many times your son’s tried to go to school in Abercrombie’s “Smile! I can see your panties!” tee, here’s the reality: your kids just aren’t that cool. 

Which I’m guessing, to you, is a relief, because cool kids drink and try pot and have unsupervised boy-girl slumber parties while un-cool kids hang with their friends and only fantasize about what it must be like to get drunk or get kissed. But you also may be confused about everything I’ve just said. Whenever you try to bring up drugs or alcohol or sex with your teen, he gets all embarrassed and defensive and just “doesn’t wanna talk about it, GOD.” This has led you to believe that he is actually involved in all that risky business, and is probably one of the major reasons you mistakenly thought you had a cool child in the first place. 

It’s counter-intuitive, but look, your teenager spends seven hours a day in an environment where his entire self-image is determined by what “base” he’s gotten to. It’s no wonder his thinking’s a little skewed. His middle-through-high school experience consists of him constantly being judged for ridiculous reasons by other un-cool kids who are just as insecure as he is. So it’s hard for him to remember that in your eyes, he’ll always be your household’s super-hip teen, whether or not he has muscles or a date for the prom. 

There are two “popular kids” tables in the lunch room, and chances are, your teen doesn’t sit at one of them. Every time you mention sex or beer or cigarettes or parties, you probably remind her of that. By all means, bring up the topics—they’re important. But maybe you can do so with a little more sympathy for the unpopular, and a little less fear of what you’ll find.                  

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  Posted by: Jessica Hoffman