I’ve heard from so many dear, lovely, open people whose lives have been traumatized by addiction. I dedicated my book to them and also to those who work with addicts and their families–“to the women and men who devote their lives to understanding and combating addiction at rehab centers, inpatient and outpatient programs, hospitals, research centers, organizations dedicated to education about drug abuse, and so on.” This week I heard from a friend who’s a counselor at a grade school. She asked a provocative question that I want to pass along to others:
“I’ve worked over the past 10 years with families at a K to 8 grade school in California. Every year there is always one or two 7th or 8th graders that we, as teachers, know are heading for high risk behaviors including drug use. We try and talk with the parents about this but, in my experience, the parents are very defensive and are unwilling to listen or to work with us. It’s so frustrating because usually 2 or 3 years later we hear that these kids are in some sort of treatment. I’d be grateful for anyone’s advice about this. It’s one of my biggest frustrations of my job. I know there’s no magic bullet, but any insight as to how to approach parents in this situation would be great.”
Indeed, any insight would be great.
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Unfortunately I think that just by the nature of us being parents, protectors and believers in our children I can see no answer to this dilemma. I probably would not have believed. My son was a typical charming and expert liar and even when I was sure something was not right I was shocked rigid when I found a needle in his pocket. Absolutely loved Beautiful Boy. I felt it was me talking. Kind wishes to everyones children. Take care.
David: I read both your book and Nic’s book this weekend while visiting my son in Florida where he has been living post-drug treatment residential rehab. It was his 5th residential rehab (heroin, crack, and cocaine). We took him down there June 6, 2006. I was so pleased to meet his sponsor and other friends in recovery this weekend. Although I, like you, did everything humanly possible to help my son, and am a grateful member of AlAnon since 1992, I think it is important that he not come home to our family and the dysfunctional situations that did not help in the first place.
Regarding your friend’s question, 8 years ago when my 20-year-old was in middle school, I was defensive, too, even though I knew my son was high risk because he had been diagnosed with early onset bipolar disorder. When we caught him smoking marijuana, we hesitated, knowing that it gave him some relief from his depression. When we finally did send him to outpatient rehab for marijuana, he tried his first cocaine at that program.
I think messages to parents from other parents, counselors, therapists, and drug assessment staff are confusing. On the one hand they say we must be vigilant; on the other hand they say that kids will experiment and not to be too hard on them. It’s difficult for parents to understand how educators can be so concerned about getting kids help when drugs are sold on school grounds, by the way. My son took his first Oxycontin in a stairwell on the first day of high school, followed by a suicide attempt. I wish I had taken him out of that school then. I didn’t have the courage. Instead I thought I’d wait and see.
I like the story Sarit Catz mentions in her blog, which I had picked up on the internet, too, about the mom who sold her son’s car as soon as she found a beer can in it. If I had it to do over I would give much clearer No Tolerance messages.
I blog about adolescent addiction at motherwarriors.blogspot.com
Even as you and your son are going around the country telling your story, enforcement funding for anti-methamphetamine task forces in the Midwest is drying up, according to a Chicago Tribune report from March 3. This is a drug that has no redeeming value for medical use. It just ruins people’s lives, exponentially as it breeds an array of crimes. You’d think getting rid of it would be a priority. Sad. But glad you are speaking up about it. We need voices. MotherWarrior
DENIAL - Initially, it’s just more comforting to stay in denial until we can digest the brutal truth………not my kid, no way, no how!!!! As my child changed from healthy all-American athlete and good grades to a morose teen who covered herself in black hoodie sweatshirts and spewed vulgarities to anyone who dared to get in her way, I sought out a psychiatrist to help her unravel the mental illness that was so obvious to me (because it couldn’t be anything else). He introduced her to speed (Ritalin) along with the bipolar meds; she refused to take the bipolar meds but just couldn’t get enough of the speed!!!
It took a couple of years and a whole bunch of friends to convince me that my increasingly bizarre teen was a drug addict. She wasn’t bipolar at all: she was a meth addict using meth to get up and marijuana and alcohol to come down (mimicking bipolar behaviors until she started “Picking” and created facial sores).
I am very grateful for her friends who came to me in confidence (I have not broken those confidences in the six years that have passed); I believe their courage helped me get up mine and get honest about addiction. I’d like to think I would have reacted to a counselor just the same, but I’m not sure I would have believed them in junior high. In junior high I think I would have just assumed they were fooling around and not really doing anything seriously. I think the only way I could have been convinced would come with a positive drug test. Alcohol is another story; many parents (including us) thought alcohol use was a “right of passage” and that they (like us) would outgrow it; we didn’t understand that for some, it’s a game of Russian Roulette and some will become alcoholics/addicts at a very young age.
If I knew then, what I know now, I would seek out immediate help from teen addiction specialist: teens are the most difficult to convince because of their misconceptions of immortality. Thankfully, when my daughter got into treatment, my husband and I were told about Nar-Anon Family Groups; a program has really helped us to get honest about our roles in the family disease of addiction. http://www.nar-anon.org
Counselors, don’t give up trying to reach parents, you just never know how many lives you may affect by your efforts. Parents may not listen with the first child, but they will be wiser when the second one starts up! We appreciate your efforts, even if you bring us bad news.
Thank you,
Tish
You should be proud of the journey you are on right now with your son! I started and finished your book on Sunday. I just had one disappointment. - As a sober member of AA (12+ years) and a single mother of a 16 1/2 year old son, I felt that your advice on what preventative steps can be taken were weak. In a nutshell, you JUMP on these kids HARD at the first sign of using, the first sight of a bag of drugs, the first sight of an empty bottle. They are only children, as a parent you can come crashing down with a force! My son mixed ONE drink at a friend’s parents’ bar, tried pot the next week, used $10 the following week to purchase pot (it was peet moss) and he was just 1 week shy of his 13th birthday. He and his friend were caught, no consequences because it wasn’t pot –Did not matter to me!! I reacted exactly as if it was the real stuff, because to him, he THOUGHT it was. I IMMEDIATELY had him involved in an after school program for troubled teens AND we both began the Teen Crisis Meetings that were held at Betty Ford Center once a week. We continued the program for 3 months, then I made a physical move for us to another city. I would have thought that making a move would be just trying a “geographic” measure and his Dad did not agree on the two of us relocating to be an answer. But, I had to go with my instincts and I felt that he was beginning to hang around the wrong group and that we needed to be around extended family members at this time. We moved 50 miles away. My son’s older cousins stepped in as examples, my sister’s stepped in (Aunts) for support, and my Mom (Grandma) was close by. His Dad ramped up on the visits (3 1/2 hours away). Basically, we all came together as a united family. My son’s first friends were football players and got us to sign ups the 2nd week we moved in. He then met a network of kids, coaches and had friends when he began 8th grade a couple of months later. He is now in 11th grade and he is awesome. He has stayed tight with those initial friends and when he has new friends, they are all similar. The football coaches are extremely involved in the boy’s lives, it’s not just for a few weeks of the season, it’s all year. For my son it has worked out well. For me, what it did was allow me more TIME to continue to work on building his foundation. At 13, he was not capable of making decisions for himself, at 16 1/2 he makes good decisions, but it’s with the guidance of myself and his Dad.
My prior drinking and experimenting with drugs was also discussed with my son. I do not feel any guilt in having those frank talks. He knows that those were MY youthful years with a different set of parents and his growing up will never duplicate or be the same as mine because, as parents, we are so much more educated and aware than the parents of teens in the 70’s.
Please get the message to the parents that you are meeting on your tour that there are so many options that can be utilized at the beginning of the downfall of their kids. There is the window of opportunity of “using” drugs, prior to “abusing” drugs, and followed by “addiction” to drugs. I firmly believe in the strong chances of changing the course of things during that “using” phase. I am thankful of my son’s age at the time and the fact that he was still living at home so that I could be there to make a difference.
United in your cause,
Sandy
i too have a ‘beautiful boy’ and share your story. the dates, places, drug of choices may be different, but the pain, grief, exhaustion are the same. i have come to the conclusion that the biggest mistake we parents make is not in how much we love our children, but how much we deny what is happening right in front of our eyes. my advice to any parent taking the time to read this would be, “don’t be afraid of admitting your child is in trouble. tackle the situation with the same fervor if you discovered a lump or bump of concern on your child’s body”.
i was one of those parents who insisted my son was only going through a rough adolescence, this would pass. he would be ok. he would once again be the smiling, gregarious, handsome, intelligent young man that my husband and i envisioned him becoming since the moment he was born. he would once again validate all our parenting skills and make us proud. just as drugs alter the minds of the users, they are insidious enough to alter the minds of the parents of users. i urge all parents who even slightly suspect something is going wrong with their child to immediately take action and find every resource avaliable for help.
my ‘beatiful boy’ is turning 33 on saturday. he is a recovering drug addict, simultaneously suffering from depression and anxiety. i will tell you that from the time of his junior year in high school he went through such an obvious transition which i insisted was “no big deal.” he went from playing varsity sports and being secretary of his class to becoming moody, remote, alone, long-haired, not interested in sports or anything to do with family. how stupid could i or my husband be? we are two highly educated people. it took me a long time to forgive myself and only the fact that our son didn’t die was i able to forgive myself. i couldn’t accept my ignorance, i should have known better. deep down i did know, i just didn’t want to deal with this overwhelming problem. and i convinced myself, it would go away.
the phone call came on a sunny bright tues. morning, no one had seen or heard from my son all weekend. he never showed up at his best friend’s birthday dinner nor met his girlfriend at the planned time and place. his friend made the call to me. my son was living in new york at the time, we live in florida. his friend was willing to go to my son’s apartment where there was still no response. i had to call my daughter, also living in new york and told them to call the police. in my mind, my son was dead. i told my daughter not to go into the apartment, let the police go in first. i sat and waited and all i could think of was, how can i tell my husband, what will i say? my daughter called back. my son was able to rise out of the drug induced coma he had been in all weekend and open the door. the police left and somehow my daughter and my son’s friend got him to the emergency room. the details of what followed are gruesome, from the e.r. to the i.c.u. and then the diagnosis ; kidney failure!! which lead to complications including fluid accumulating around the heart which lead to surgery. somehow, the kidneys started working after 8 days on dialysis, the fluid around the heart was drained. the orthopedic problems and the open wound problems took over six months to heal. the nerve mending problems in his legs [all this incurred because he had fallen in his apartment and laid in this drug induced coma for so long in an unnatural position] took over a year to mend. so my frail and fragile boy began his journey into recovery, both physical and mental.
david’s book says it all. any of us parents could have written the book, thank you david for doing this on our behalf. i beg and wish all the schools, physicians and parents out there to not be afraid to deal with this problem honestly and forthrightly with their kids. hiding from the truth of drug addiction does more damage then addressing this terrible disease.
on saturday my husband and i will call our ‘beautiful boy’ to wish him a happy birthday. he his living in california, working [he was able to complete a masters of fine arts degree] and sharing a new apartment with a wonderful girlfriend. in a few weeks they will be picking up a puppy. it seems so right and perfect and blissful. so…….
every day in the morning i say “thank you god” and every night, i say “please god”…… you all know the rest of my prayer. i pray for you all as well. god bless………
reading david’s book, reading the responses on this blog, then writing my own, brings back memories and pain of a time i still can’t believe i lived through and survived.
for so long i’ve wondered and thought about what i could do or say to help other parents. i am astounded that david’s friend, the teacher, still has trouble reaching out to today’s parents and discussing their childrens’ potential problems. what is it in our culture that doesn’t allow parents to recognize and deal with the possibility that our children may not be perfect or that our children may need help dealing with the vulnerabilities of life?
i sincerely think david’s book should be mandatory reading for parents of 7& 8th graders all across this country. how else can we convince parents that this problem exists, and that we didn’t cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it, but we can educate ourselves, try to educate our children and attempt to get help as early as possible for those who need it.
who exactly branded addiction a disease one should be ashamed of? we have been exposed to the horrors of addiction, but only where inner city youth are living. afterall, doesn’t it make sense that an inner city youth, raised in poverty with little or no parental supervision or support would succomb to drugs and addiction? but how or why would a young boy or girl in a middle class or affluent community with strong family connections be drawn into this dark world? shouldn’t everyone at this point in time be made to realize addiction is a disease that knows no boundaries or class distinctions?
it is time for the disease of addiction to come out of the closet. it is time to be able to talk about this and deal with it intelligently. it will not go away, and all parents have to become aware that every child is susceptible. there is no immunity. there is no protection against it. we can only educate ourselves and our children enough so if necessary we can effectively deal with it.
i am reminded of the early days of cancer. that too had a connotation of shame, no one talked about it and no one spoke of a family member afflicted with this ‘unkown disease’. today, addiction is suffering from the same misconceptions. we must open a dialogue between parents, children, teachers, doctors, counselors and therapists. diagnosing or suspecting addiction in a young boy or girl should be no more difficult or mysterious then diagnosing any other disease. it isn’t, but our society, up until now refuses.
we have such a long road to go. this is just the beginning. david and nic have no idea the impact their stories will have on the population. i am in awe of their courage.
I’m the father of three pre-teen boys living in an affluent suburb where drugs are prevalent, and I feel both terrified and modestly empowered after reading David’s book. The rapid rate of Nic’s decline from child into a full-blown addict truly scares the crap out of me. While I pray that I won’t ever have to confront drug abuse by my kids, there is no doubt that David’s transparency and honesty would help me navigate the terrifying journey.
I also now have a lot more empathy for my father after reading “Beautiful Boy”. Growing up in suburban New York in the 1970s, my older brother became an addict and an “alien” to me and my family starting in his 8th grade. After I tried pot in 6th grade (thanks to my brother!), and having observed his dramtic transformation from an intelligent and athletic older brother to a drug addict, I chose to stay clear from drugs and focused on school. But I also realize that he has a powerful disease from which I am apparently spared. I’m glad to say that 25 years later he is clean and is my best friend in life. But for about 10 years it was heartbreaking torture for my mother and father. I chose to block out my feelings during that time, and I don’t believe I have ever honestly confronted my emotions about my brothers’ addiction. I may have helped him a little bit along the way (unconditional brotherly love) but I didn’t fully understand how much help he needed.
I’ve also unfortunately never emotionally connected with my parents on their pain and struggle. My Mom has passed away, but I do now have an opportunity to express some gratitude and much deserved respect to my Dad for how he endured the agony of having a drug-addicted “beautiful son” while still keeping the family together and still providing love towards my brother.
I just read these entries and had another good cry. It is still painful to relive those times. I have a copy of “Beautiful Boy” laying on the table next to my bed. I just haven’t been able to get the courage enough to pick it up and reopen the wound that is the horrifying experience of livining through the hell of being a single parent of an only child who made the mistake of trying Heroin and becoming addicted. My son survived and is recovering but not without the burden of daily methadone treatments. He is one of the fortunate ones living a productive life against tall odds. Sure, I too spent too much time in denial, but when it finally slapped me in the face ( I found needles in his room ), I found people in my community to help me get focussed on the reality and the resources and we took action. It took a few years, countless sleepless nights, lots of tears, and many many prayers.
I joined the non-profit group Hearts of Hope that guided me through those tough times and I work with them to raise awareness in our communities about the drug epidemic that threatens our children’s lives. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done to speak to a group of parents or students and tell our story, but I have to do it. I owe at least that much in return. I’m sure that is David’s motivation for writing “Beautiful Boy” as well.
There is a funeral in town today for a young man who went through 90 day rehab with my son a few years ago. He leaves behind a wife and two babies and their grand parents. My prayers go out to them. May he finally rest in peace. It’s a gruesome reminder of just how fragile a life in recovery can be.
God Bless You All
It seems to me that schools need to be more open about what our kids will face in school before they reach middle school and high school. As parents we are learning along with our children - there are many parenting resources that are easy to access for how to parent an infant, but not so many that help us deal with the fact that our children are individuals who need to make their own mistakes and choices in order to be responsible. We don’t want to have to see our kids struggle with a problem, we rush in to solve the problem for them because we don’t want them to be hurt. But it is exactly this experience the kid needs early in life when the stakes are small in order to know how to deal with them when they are older and the stakes are high. But I think parents choose not to think about these issues until it is already a problem for the child. The best (although certainly not the most popular) resolution is for educational system to refuse to let parents believe the kids won’t be forced (by other kids, etc.) to deal with issues like drugs, sex, gangs….
I have written a book called I Am Your Disease (The Many Faces of Addiction). My co-author is Heiko Ganzer, LCSW, CASAC of Phoenix Psychotherapy. Heiko devotes Part 2 of the book on his expertise which is gambling and money addictions.
I focus on the drug addiction and the absolute heartbreak and despair experienced by parents who have lost a child to this insidious disease (I am one of them).
I am, on the one hand, extremely happy for Mr. Sheff knowing that he still has his son. He is alive!!!! What beautiful words they are. On the other hand, I am extremely envious that he has his son and I don’t have mine. Ask any parent who has lost a child and they will most likely echo these same sentiments even though on the surface they don’t sound nice. But it’s the painful truth. We want our children back and it can’t happen. So to anyone who is lucky enough to still have their child in their lives I say Wonderful! I’m so happy for you and please, please, please take time every day to appreciate this wonderful gift.
You may think you know what it would be like to lose your child but you can never really know unless and until you have walked in our shoes. I don’t want you to walk in them. They are ill-fitting shoes and they hurt us with each step that we take every day.
I’m in the process of writing my second book which is aimed at 5th and 6th graders and up because unfortunately the ages of children who are starting to use drugs is getting younger and younger each year. I have read several articles by “experts” in children’s books who say that schools do not want books in their school system about death and dying.
Well how can I write a book about the devastating effect of drugs without having some of the characters die? This is real life. This is what happens when people do not commit 100% to their recovery. How can schools refuse to acknowledge this?
Can anyone give ME some advice on how to handle this? I don’t want to compromise my book and its story but I do have hopes of getting the book in schools. I would appreciate any advice in this respect.
Again, Mr. Sheff, I am glad that there are success stories out there like yours and Nic’s. Keep letting people know that recovery is indeed possible. Thank you
I think that the mainstream parent has an image off someone on drugs from TV , movies, people they know. Often when kids start using they can still be high functioning in sports, doing well in school and not yet showing signs we are told to look for. Some kids actually initially do not look impaired especially if they do it out of the house or when parents are asleep. It is difficult to see until kids are in deep, not to excuse it but to change what parents are told to look at.
David, it was wonderful to meet you and Nic when you were at George Washington U three weeks ago. I had just started reading your book the night before, finished it a few days later. As you have been discovering, your honest and eloquent sharing is resonating with many many people; thank you (and Nic) for helping to break down stigma and stereotypes. As you know we have our own beautiful David, who was early in his odyssey of recovery when his disease took over and he made a 16 year old’s decision that took his life and changed our lives forever. Some thoughts for your friend the school counselor based on what I’ve learned since David’s death, talking to hundreds of parents and kids, and my own recovery in Al-Anon: encourage her to try to convey her observations and concern without unintentionally conveying judgement or that the parent should have known what the child was doing; share the facts about how quickly and easily adolescents can move from early use to abuse/addiction without intending to; offer to put the parents in touch with other parents who have had experience with adolescent substance use; know that in the end she can’t control the outcome, she can just “do the next right thing.” Your words and your story are so powerful, you ARE saving lives. With love and gratitude…
I’m a family counselor in an adolescent addiction tx program. I’m also mom to two teenagers and veteran of a few parent-teacher conferences! My experience suggests a few things. 1) As a parent I am more open-minded hearing from people who truly respect that child(ren) and their parents are doing the best they can in any given moment - especially, in fact, when their best is cruddy. I remember a teacher several years ago who began by saying that one of my child’s traits will serve her very well as a grown-up but was now making things difficult at school, and how could we help rein in that trait until the appropriate time? This was a great way to keep me off the defensive; so be willing to find and name the gift that is on the flip side of the difficult, inconvenient or worrisome behavior. Related to that, if you as a teacher are struggling with something I’ve dealt with successfully as a parent, it builds your credibility in my eyes if you show any interest in what works for me in dealing with that child. It may be that my home solution is not practical at school, but it helps me as a parent believe that you recognize my efforts to help my child, no matter how skilled or unskilled those efforts may be. 2) The other is that with every problem statement needs to come a very clear recommendation for what you’d like to see these parents do. I find at work and in my own life that people tune out when they are overwhelmed with bad news they don’t know how to address, but if you give them a simple “next right thing” to do, they will very often do it. For instance - frequent boredom, lack of focus, constant need for entertainment or other stimulation, impulse control difficulties (like higher than average- for age - levels of talking at inappropriate times) certainly puts a child at greater than average risk for early drug experimentation. These symptoms should prompt a suggestion from you that the child be screened for ADHD, since early and consistent treatment of ADHD has been repeatedly documented to be protective against addiction. If you are not comfortable with that, procure a short list of doctors in your area who specialize in the disorder and ask them to speak to your parent groups. So often we give feedback b/c we want parent to “just do something.” But if they knew what to do, they would have done it. All too often, if something’s not working, we humans just try it harder! Keep in mind parents would like their kids to be easier even more than you do. And like it or not, your words as an authority figure have powerful impact on parents. The more conscious you are in handling that responsibility, the more often that power can be used to help high-maintenance kids ~ by helping their parents feel less isolated and defensive, and more supported, educated and empowered.
I just finished Mr. Sheff’s book and I cannot stop crying. It is a wonderful book and a cautionary tale to be sure. My daughter is an oxycontin addict. She has been through four rehabs in the past 10 months and was thrown out of all of them because her “attitude” wasn’t right, or she ran away and used, or she “got sick.” I have come around to the realization that addiction is a disease slowly. My daughter is now 21 and she didn’t begin using drugs (that she admits to) until she was 17. Just before graduating from high school she overdosed on cocaine, had a heart attack, and nearly died. Two weeks later, at her graduation party, she did her first Oxycontin (they smoke them here in Florida). That was it for her. She moved out a few months later after turning 18 and became a full blown addict very, very quickly. If anyone had told me she was heading for trouble, even after the overdose, I don’t think I would have believed them. How I wish I had known what started the behavior and what to do to stop it. I have been bamboozled, baffled, and I am currently walking barefoot through the fires of hell. My daughter was busted in August and is now in the legal system (we put her in Drug Court thinking that might scare her enough to stop). She has spent time in county jail which is horrible and even that does not seem to be enough to make her stop. She is currently in a halfway house that is supposed to be a “sober living” house but what I see is very little supervision and people using it as a dorm. I don’t know what to do. Most things are out of my hands now. I identified with most of what Mr. Sheff did and also with his reason for doing it. I think I have become addicted to trying to cure her addiction. I do go to Al-anon (there are no nar anon meetings close by) and it helps some but I am still hurting a lot and so is the rest of our family. I pray every day for help but I don’t find any. I don’t know what the answer is. I won’t give up because I can’t. I hope none of the rest of you out there will either. Thank you to every single person who is trying ot make a difference.
I just finished Beautiful Boy today….I am having trouble finding the words to express what this book has done for me. I have spent the past 5 years so focused on “fixing” my son that I couldn’t see what it was doing to me and the rest of my family.
My son was just here visiting for Easter….he just recently slipped after a year in treatment..which led to a terrifying overdose and hospitalization….he has been clean for a month now since the incident…and so here we are. We had a wonderful visit….just enjoying being together as a family. I have finally reached some strange state of acceptance…it is a very new feeling…..I am thankful for every minute I have with my “Beautiful Boy”
Thank you Mr. Sheff for sharing your story….it has helped me (and therefore my family) immensely….I don’t feel so alone and have come to realize all these confusing emotions I have are part of this thing….and probably will be forever….
David:
My husband and I are in the process of reading both your books. I read Beautiful Boy first and have passed it on to him as I have now started Tweak. We are the parents of 4 children. We have a daughter in college, twin 16 year old boys and a 13 year old boy. The twins are both addicts and are in separate treatment facilities as we speak. One is in a 60 day program in Marion, MT and the other is in a 30 day program in Nashville, TN. Our family is no diferent today than if a tornadoe ripped right thru our den. The devastation is just as great. My husband is a high school football coach in Atlanta, GA and we are totally stretched, depleted, and done financially just from putting two in treatment at the same time. You can’t love your children more than I love mine and I know in my heart and soul that you can not put a price on their life so we will continue to explore any and all options. Are you aware of any foundations, companies, research centers that may offer financial aid or scholarships to famiies like ours as we try to continue their treatment. We are looking at monumental expenses for continuing care and extended treatment. More than we will ever make in a life time. I would welcome any of your comments or suggestions that maybe you have discovered in your research that may help and assist us with continued care and treatment. Any information will be greatly appreciated. My husband and I are ready to get on board with this horrific disease and try to bring forth some knowledge, advice, and experience as we navigate such unchartered waters. I think me and BCBS are going to have a real come to jesus meeting here soon. It won’t be pretty I’m sure! Thanks for your time. Temple Romberg
to: Temple (above post)
A good contact source would be Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage, CA. Their Teen Crisis program would have information for you. There are programs that allow you to pay what you can afford. It may take some time to research, but it sounds like you have the Love & Determination to uncover any opportunities for your twins.
David,
I walked through the book aisle the other day and was compelled to buy your book. My beautiful boy is only 9 years old. He is full of life and love and compassion and intelligence. He is my world. I looked at your book and realized that every addict at one time was probably just like my son. With parents who love him as much as we do, parents like us who can’t possibly think of him doing anything other than playing his sports, getting good grades, going off to college and having a better life than we do. I can not imagine my son becoming an addict, but I don’t think any mother ever can.
That is what is so scary. So I bought your book hoping that I could learn how to really see the signs or try not to make the same mistakes so I would never have to live your nightmare. What I’ve learned is that we can try to do everything right ,we can love with everything we have ,but there is no guarantee that it won’t be my beautiful son. So I will do my best. I will continue to talk to him, to know his friends, and love him unconditionally, and even though I am not a religious person I will pray everyday that my son will not succomb to drugs or alcohol because these days sometimes I think not becoming an addict in this world is a miracle.
Thank you,
Michelle Aurelio
David: I just finished reading your book, and as an adoptive parent of two siblings from parents with a history of substance abuse, I am most grateful for the insight. I thought you might appreciate a link to my adoptive parent blog.
David,
I ordered your book, Beautiful Boy, rather randomly to get my Amazon order up to the level for free shipping! Little did I know that it would be the most meaningful book in my 57 years. How could it not be when it gives voice to all of the screams that have been stuck in my heart and soul.
It is very hard to move the emphasis from my daughter to me. David, your book has given me the chance to acknowledge that I want my friends and family to read the book and to learn more about who I have become. It seemed like your every word echoed what I have thought, felt, rationalized, and feared for ten years. This chaos, this walk through the unknown has jeopardized my health, my relationship with my husband (her father), my relationship with my son (her brother), and my relationships with my closest friends.
Our adorable daughter started going downhill during her second year at college starting with self medicating with alcohol to obtaining xanax, adderall, and ambien through her willing psychiatrists. She actually made it to within a semester of graduating from the Univ. of Texas. Then while addicted to the drugs I mentioned she found a boyfriend and a new environment with exposure to experimentation with illegal drugs and then a few years of living with a meth addict. This boyfriend, this addict, had us totally fooled. We didn’t understand then how convincing addicts can be. Our daughter’s own mental disorders were enhanced by her addictions. For almost ten years I believed her lies, I let her con me with “don’t you trust me?” Why could I never say “NO,” I don’t trust you? Because I couldn’t stand the ranting and blaming that ensued. In many ways I didn’t want to know the details. I didn’t even realize that when she was her meanest to me it was because she was in withdrawal. I was so ignorant I didn’t realize that when the 2AM phone calls started she was drunk. Three years into all of this I started having chronic daily migraines along with menopause. It seemed as if my mind and body were almost out of control. But did I let that stop me from driving 4 hours to my daughter when she needed me? No, of course not. I kept believing that I was strong and that only I could keep solve her crises. Now, however, I have learned not to fear physical pain and not to feel guilty when I spend my 50 minutes at my psychiatrist’s office crying. I can hardly believe how far I’ve come from the mother who knew nothing about mental illnesses to a woman who lives with difficult emotions and also with necessary practicality in the crazy world of mental illness & addictions. Another disaster was added when my favorite sister was diagnosed with manic-depression (bi-polar). In fact, it was when I went to see her and could see the vast change in her that I finally hit an emotional bottom and sought help.
My daughter, after 10 years and 3 short term hospitalizations, is presently at Austen Riggs, which is a long term treatment center in Stockbridge MA that specializes in hard to treat adults. David, your research is correct, only long term therapy has a chance of working and even then no guarantees. Her previous meetings with a psychiatrist and a social worker once a week, were not making a dent in her condition. Thank God her psychiatrist suggested long term residential treatment and mentioned Austen Riggs. It has probably saved her sanity and maybe mine, too. However at a cost of about $240,000 for a little more than a year and still counting, at what point do we say no more? I am committed to giving her the best chance for recovery. Our insurance. BCBS has refused to pay since she is over 17. However her problems started before 17 and her doctors say she has remained emotionally stuck there. We now have an advocate provided by my husband’s HR department working for us and with the BCBS. This woman says that we will be denied and then we will go to a neutral third party where we have a better chance of succeeding. We cannot let ourselves actually believe anything will come of this. Especially since our advocate has not returned our last two phone calls. However after learning that more than a few of the residents have Trust Funds, we decided to apply for financial aid. We had to give copies of 3 years of tax returns and write a letter all but begging, but we were granted a 10% deduction. Not much but we try to be optimistic about it. We also worry that my husband’s company will soon refuse to let us keep her on our health insurance as a dependent adult child. What will happen when he retires? There is always something to keep the situation on our minds, despite her living safely and voluntarily at Austen Riggs. The economic recession has decreased the money we were counting on to continue her treatment for another six months. On the other hand, she is working hard at Austen Riggs undergoing intensive self examination with her psychotherapist. She goes to many group sessions and has learned much about herself and how to have a healthy relationship. Has she learned to thank us for giving her this opportunity? Not really. She prefers not to have much contact as her fantasy is to have an anonymous benefactor so she doesn’t have to feel guilt. She has shown improvement in having stable communication with us lately, but in my more cynical mind, I wonder if this is because she wants to be a part of their out patient program for another six months. She is now only at the point of trying to step out into the community and get a job while still having the safety net of Austen Riggs.
I’ve always felt that her therapists examine us at family conferences as to what we say, how we say it, who is the enabler, whose genes have caused this. However, I have now strongly asked her “team” read Beautiful Boy in hopes they will be able to acknowledge what we’ve been through and to understand that the people they see before them are forever changed from the parents who thought there was always a happy ever after for their children.
Thank you, David Sheff, for giving me a book that let’s me feel I’m not alone and gives me a chance to perhaps be understood by others. A chance to let the situation, for a short time, at least, be about me.
Jan
Texas
Jan D.
Texas
Well it’s better if u start them off when they are young. Once they have made up their mind it’s ALMOST impossible. Even if u move, give them a few months and they will be getting dub sacks from the dealer on your street. I would know, I’m living that example now in Woodlands, TX. If u want to reach out to your kid take initiative and say NO - u can’t hang out with those kids.
Mr. Sheff,
I am certain you are inundated with an outpour of gratitude, comments, and likely, numerous pleas for help and guidance. In respect of your time, I simply wanted to reach out to you and thank you for your book, “Beautiful Son”. Fortunately, I have not had to (nor do I hope to ever have to) endure the misfortune of a family member or my own child struggling with an addicitve disease. Having waited well into my (later) adult life (a long and tireless pursuit of education was my priority for 12 years), at 38 years old, I finally enjoyed the birth of my first child, a son, last year. Although he is only coming into his 8 month of life and hopefully will have many, many decades ahead of him, the story of you, your son, and the unrelenting trials your family endoured, shook me to the core. Having only recently moved to California (2003), but trained in areas of psychopharmacology and neuropsychology, as a new parent, I find myself already occupied with the thoughts of drug temptation and enticements that will inevitably confront my son (and perhaps, our future children) as he grows up in California. I realize other states are not immune to the dangers of drugs and addictive cycles of abuse, but I sometimes worry that the influences may be greater/greatest in California. I hope I am wrong, and as a naive parent, I hope I will be prepared for and direct my children against, the influences and temptation of drug use/abuse. Thank you for your book, your courage to share what was clearly the most painful times in your life, and for showing others that hope can never be abandoned. I remain hopeful that the final memoirs of life for you, Nic, Jasper, Karen, Vicki, and Daisy will be filled with greater happiness and the relief that the most troubled times are far behind.
With great respect,
Dr. Dwight Tapp, MSc, PhD, MBA, CCRP
P.S. After completing your book today, I learned of Nic’s memoirs from his history of abuse, and ordered his book for my reading collection.
Congrats to your for speaking out and letting parents all over the world know that they are not alone, that other loving, caring parents are living with the disease of addiction.
I was like David, I lived breathed, consumed my sons addiction.
I felt if I let it go for one minute I would lose him,
I wanted him clean more then he wanted himself clean.
My son took his life in a dirty seedy hotel all alone from a heroin overdose at 25, and since his death I’ve gotten involved in addiction advocacy work.
I’m driven to speak out and let families know that they are not alone.
I was so alone in my sons addiction and it consumed me, when he died I thought I couldn’t go on.
Since his death I have struggled with a pain pill addiction. Today I haven’t had a pain med in 14 months, I went thru suboxen treatment.
I got addicted by no fault of my own, I was grieving, I was in severe pain and the doctor thought he was helping me; He wasnt.
I often wonder if God had a hand in it all to help me understand what He felt like and how hard his struggle was.
Families need more access to treatment, and need to be encouraged to seek support and help.
Maybe it would save some families the infectious disease did to us.
Thanks for reading, Karen
I have not read the books yet, but I intend to. I saw you on Oprah and was very excited to see you speak out. I have a daughter at this moment that is an addict and 9 months pregnant. She is living far from me with a new boyfriend. She has been through treatment once and relapsed. It is so difficult to know what to do. I want her well more than anything in the world. I want her to go back to treatment but now it will be more difficult with a baby. She is having a baby girl and the baby is not been growing properly. I am so worried but there is is not much I can do so far away. She says she has not used, but I have evidence to the contrary. I am just hoping this child is not handicap in any way. I pray everyday that my grand baby will not have to suffer for the things I didn’t do when her mother was younger. When I had more control, when they where in Jr High and high school. This isn’t the only child I have had with addiction problems and It has been hell. Parents, please intervene early. Don’t think it is a phase and they will grow out of it. Take it seriously at the beginning. Don’t let it go on to damage the next generation.
The only thing I ever wanted to be was a good mother. I tried but I really was not equipped for being a single mother of 4 with these kinds of problems. I wish I knew then what I know now.
Keep telling those parents in the Jr High what you see in their children. They might not see it now but it will eventually sink in.
I have hope for my children and grandchildren but it is very difficult to endure. I am so glad that people are telling their stories. There are a lot of good parents that just don’t know what to do that are dealing with this disease. We all just want the best for our kids. To have a better life than we did. God Bless you all that are speaking out, it’s not easy.
Maybe we should start by raising our children with the truth. Are we so afraid of the way we raised our children that we have to drug screen in schools? Yes, we are.
We need to be honest with ourselves and with our children, about everything. If history has taught you nothing, it should have taught you that the truth shall prevail. Eventually, and especially now in the Internet age, our children will get the truth. They are smart enough to research opposing views on every subject, even if you try to stop them.
You will find in countries that raise their children like they were going to turn into adults one day and hold the parents accountable, like much of Europe, you see none of the alarming abuse numbers you see here in America, especially with the use of alcohol.
Stop trying to scare your children with lies, and scare them with the truth. Honestly the truth about the world we live in is more horrific then anything we could make up I am sure. If you give your children honest answers, or go find those answers together, you will give them the opportunity to view the issue from the outside looking in. They will use their best judgment after all things are considered, (Which they do whether informed or not) and you will have done the best thing you can do as an adult; helping them understand how making well informed decisions about everything in their life is of value to them.
Anyone that tells you that forbidding someone to use something works as a deterrent, never “borrowed” their fathers car, or snuck out one night to meet some friends.
Prohibition and Reefer Madness style ads have no effect(Read:NO EFFECT(see statistics)), other than the prospect that eventually your children will find out you lied to them. When people, and especially our children learn about all these fairy tales so proudly put upon them by our society, it tends to make them wonder what else they were lied too about. What else have we been dishonest with? “Can I trust them to give me the right information when I need it? Or should I take what they say, and numb it down a few notches?”
Imagine the look on their face when you tell them Cannabis kills brain cancer cells, and leaves healthy cells unharmed? Or mention to them that prescription medications have been found to have no effect at all, yet remain on the market past the 11 Billion dollar sales mark.
Would we rather them just follow blindly? How else can we raise little worker bees to feed the government’s endless need for our money and freedoms. If we continue like this, they will never believe anything we say, even when it IS the truth.
Besides, you cannot call this a “War on drugs” when the United States has 6 times the number of Black Americans then South Africa did during apartheid.
Maybe someday soon we will look back and say “When did it become ok for both parents to have to work to get by? When did daycare and babysitters become the norm in our society? When did we get so greedy, that we let our teachers earn poverty wages and people like CEO’s and politicians are 2% of the population, with 98% of the wealth..”
David, we met at the end of yours and Nic’s reading at the U Village Starbucks in Seattle. I truly appreciate that both you and Nic are telling your stories.
To answer your question, I have to refer to the work I have done for our parent support group where I have spoken to 300+ parents about their situations. Denial is one reason, not only have I heard “my kid doesn’t have a problem” but also “I used so it’s ok” and the “at least my kid’s problem isn’t as bad as Billy’s”. But fear is just as significant a reason, parents are worried about “damaging” their relationship with their kids, scared that if they confront their kid they would use more or run away, physically fear their kid, fear what the neighbors / friends / family would think … Ignorance is another reason, some parents totally miss the signs, others know what their kid is using and don’t understand the significance of this or just don’t know what to do when it happens. There is no one specific reason, if there were we’d be able to get parents the help that they need.
While preventing and curing addiction is important, it is just as important to know what you are going to do when it happens. This is when most parents are extremely ineffective, from taking “ownership” and enabling the kids to fighting over the situation, these efforts usually fail, sometimes spectacularly. Parents have to recognize that what they are doing is not working and that they have to do something else. During your appearance in Seattle that was the most important point you made, when you replied to the last question from the woman who was against letting an addict “hit bottom”. Your response about doing the hard thing, regardless of your emotions, by not rescuing Nic when he called was very poignant.
I would appreciate your thoughts about my comments. You can also contact me directly.
Thanks, Curtis F.
Problem
“People just aren’t aware that they need to be careful; so they leave RxMeds in unlocked medicine cabinets. Fifty seven percent (57%) of teenagers that are using RxMeds are getting drugs free from friends or taking them from someone’s medicine cabinet.” 1
Answer
“Limit and safeguard the medications in your household by locking your medicine cabinet.” 2
1 White House Drug Czar, John Walter 2007
2 Steven Dowshen, MD, Nemours Center of Children’s Health Media 2006
Safe Guard by Locking-up the Drugs -
“The explosion in the prescription of addictive opioids, depressants, and stimulants has for many children made their parents’ medicine cabinet a greater temptation and threat than the illegal street drug dealer.
Parents who do not want to become inadvertent drug pushers should consider locking their medicine cabinets.
While many parents lock their liquor cabinets, most do nothing to ensure controlled prescription drugs are not accessible to children.”
Joseph A. Califano, Jr., the chairman of National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University. (CASA) 2007 CASA, September 2007
We need to LOCK-UP the drugs!!!
Pat Keeler
I am a retired cabinet manufacture and the designer of the Medicine Safe. I can not understand why Moms and Dads do not lock up RxMeds. I am going to have this on the market for a non-profit with in the next month. This have been in the development stage for over a year. It you would like to call me about this you can all me at 314-443-1824 or pkeeler@sbcglobal.net
REHAB RIPOFFS
Vulnerable. I find that to be the most accurate word to describe terrified family members when a loved one is an addict. Parents, spouses, siblings, friends are vulnerable to everything and anything that they believe offers a glimmer of hope in saving their child pouse, brother/sister, niece/nephew, friend from this nightmare. Days become terrifying nd nights only worse.
When I awoke this morning nothing much had really changed. I hoped that I would survive this day, but more
mportantly, I prayed that my son would survive another day.
Some recent events in our family have added another emotion to this mix. I am furious. Incidentally, I had been hoping for this emotion for quite some time. I
hoped that being mad would hurt less than the terror and despair that had become quite second nature to our family in the last six years. Six years, to even think that we have been living in the state of these raw emotions for that length of time seems incredulous.
My son is a 25 year old heroin addict. Our story is the same as every other family that loves someone with this disease. Disease, did I say disease. I don’t even know my true feelings regarding disease versus choice.
Not to get off track because as I said my story is not different than yours if you love an addict. I’ve read many of these books and they actually made me feel better by the mere fact that we have made the same mistakes that everyone else has made. I do not feel quite so alone or isolated while reading these stories.
We have tried all the treatment centers and I will not mention names because I do not have the money to protect myself should any of these multi-million dollar businesses decide they don’t want what I have to say to be heard. Please note that I did use the word business. First and foremost these treatment centers are for profit businesses. Your first mistake would be to believe anything other than that fact in the last sentence. It bears repeating. Treatment centers are FOR PROFIT organizations.
Note that I do not include AA/NA meetings in my criticisms.
These meetings can be found in practically every town in America on every night of the week. They are life savers to thousands of recovering addicts. These meetings are truly gifts
to the people they help.
I find it very curious that the AA/NA meetings can work wonders for people for free. Surely that can’t be…..free! Treatment centers need you to believe that onlythe programs costing thousands and thousands of dollars will work. But don’t worry,families, for your thousands of dollars your addicted love one will be living the life of luxury. But will they come home and be able to live a drug free life? After numerous treatment centers and hundreds of thousands of dollarsmy son is still an addict. But how could that be? He’s been to the best treatment centersin the country. He has been to twelve step programs, non-traditional programs, and hewas even in a treatment center where the hair cut from their weekly spa visit cost $100.
But, of course, these spa visits and trips to the beach are going to teach himhow to come home to his real life and face all of his legal problems and all of the
triggers that will send him immediately back to heroin. Right?
I am not an expert. I’m merely a parent that suffers every time her son risks his
life by injecting a street drug into his veins. After discussions with hundreds of “experts”
my son is still an addict. So how can I go wrong? The experts haven’t helped me. I’m
not an author. Not a professional. In fact I was happy to get my four high school
English credits that allowed me to graduate.
What I lack in credentials for writing a book I more than make up in my belief
that this is a story that needs to be told.
Hi David Sheff, My brother mailed me your book after reading it himself, I thought i was reading my feelings as i continued to read your words.
The difference is My story ended differently for me then it did for you and Nic, My Son Gino Didnt make it, he died 5 yrs ago from a Heroin overdose.
As i read your book I found so much in common with the way Nic was raised, the family trips, camping, beach trips, ect…
We were a family that spent every weekend together, especially Sundays.
I wanted to say to you that Ive been married to the same man for 31 yrs, my son didnt live in a divorced home and he found his way to drugs just like Nic did, I honestly dont think it matters.
I believe that the kids who are in danger of becoming addicts are usually SUCH SENSITIVE, loving feeling people.
When i started speaking out after My Son died I couldnt believe what people thought about addicts and addiction.
You being on Oprah and You being a loving, caring Dad allows people to see that Addiction touches even good loving parents who were active in there kids lives…
Thanks for speaking out and putting a face on the disesase a addiction . Karen Ventimiglia
Hi David,
I will begin reading your book next week. My son decided to read your son’s book first and I am going to do that this week as well. 42 days ago my husband and I found out the shocking reality that my 22 year old was addicted to oxycotin. We really knew something was not right, but we have a 13 year old son and we knew if we brought him home and he was not ready to give up what ever he had gotten himself into, it would have been a nightmare for our family. After he was caught having oxycotin by the police my son finally hit rock bottom and was ready to fight this addiction.
I had no idea drug addiction was such a big business. When my son got home from the police station and we were deciding how to begin with getting him off this drug (detoxing), I began to call rehab places to find out what to do. Each one said their place was the best and to let them have my insurance information and they would get the ball rolling to get my son to their place. I felt so uneasy about sending my son to total strangers in another state when it felt like they were only after my money. When I looked at the success rate of rehab I began to say no way.
My son wanted to go to the hospital and detox because they could give him the drug all other addicts take to come off drugs they are addicted to. That made no sense to me; giving another addictive drug to a drug addict.
We decided that he would detox at home. When we were going through this as a family I thought several times this is a big mistake - it was tough to say the least! We made it through and we are working together as a family to make sure my son does not relapse. When you go to traditional rehab they say relapse is apart of it, but I believe it does not have to be. I pray each day that my son has beat this addiction.
We watched your son and you on Oprah and it helped to watch. My son will begin reading your book this week. He just finished your son’s book last night. I can’t wait to read both of them.
Hi David,
In November 2007 I published an essay in the Philly Inquirer about my own meth-addicted son, and the opening line was, “Take a look at his picture. Isn’t he gorgeous?” How eerie that it echoed the title of your book–I hadn’t heard of Beautiful Boy at that time. But it’s true, isn’t it? One of the saddest parts of meth addiction is in the way it ravages bodies. The exquisite grief and constant upheaval that meth brings to a family changes all of us forever. My son began using when he was in middle school. His father and I (not divorced) took him to church, Scouts, and tried our best to supervise him, all to no avail. We once physically carried him to school, kicking and screaming, to force him to attend class. It didn’t stop him from running away. At age 25 he finally achieved (after many programs, in and outpatient and some jail time) one year’s sobriety. Sadly, he has relapsed. I wanted to comment on the hope you have maintained through this ordeal. I too, hold an irrational hope for my son. I can’t explain it any better than I can say why I never seem to run out of ideas for helping him. What I’m trying to learn now, is how to hope for him without hoping for a particular outcome. I often say it would have been so much easier to divorce a meth-using spouse. But how do you divorce your own son? The mom in me can’t stop hoping he’ll see himself in the mirror one day soon.
Hello David and all who read this,
Your books are powerful messages, Beautiful Boy and Tweak, to all the youth and adults of the world. After reading, I have conducted extensive research trying to find the name of the treatment center in Arizona which Nic credits for his survival. Can’t find it anywhere. I’ve searched “Arizona Safe Passage”, “Serenity Group”, and every other drug rehab combination I could think of. I know the location is in the mountains of Arizona an hour and a half from Phoenix. I’m guessing the program doesn’t want to be made public, but I am pleading with anyone out there to please give me the name of this place to my personal email. I share in the story, and my friend has tried several rehabs, was a 4.0 student, amazing athlete….same story, same dates except he still needs a program that will help. The program in AZ is also a “dual diagnosis center.” Someone, please help by providing the name of this center. God Bless You!
Many Thanks,
Jennifer in Alpharetta, Georgia
I have not read the book, but I will seek it out. I have a “beautiful girl” who just turned 23. We have lived with this disease which started when she was 15. She was involved in theatre, a first place long distance runner, and a soft spirit. She met a boy while working, and to my dismay brought home one of the most troubled young men I ever worked with as a teacher. I have often thought about this time as “the unraveled sweater”. First there were the little signs (dark clothes, putting on makeup in the dark, secrecy). As I tried to grab the thread that was coming loose, it unraveled more quickly. Attempts to get her to counseling were unsuccessful - she refused. She moved out at 15, lived on the street and since has lived with a series of boys/men. My sadness is that she has become so self-destructive, and she has been beaten at least four times that I know of.. She and I can talk directly about the drug use; we traveled to a rehab center once - she did not go back. I have begun to try to “let go”; I have tremendous feelings of guilt. Could I have done something else? I will always talk and keep in touch, but I feel very afraid. Cocaine is her demon. She had a good job for awhile, but then the absences started to occur. . . This disease has stolen her from all of us. She plans to move out west this month; she says she will have a new start. I asked her to think about the problem as something that will be with her no matter where she goes until she seeks treatment. I would appreciate any advice. The sweater is still unraveling…
There are so many parents living in the country that always worries about the future of their teens. Like you have said also in your book about the teens parents and I also agree that good parenting is very important for teens to protect themselves from diseases. Various centers and organization suggest counseling sessions Help for parents.
http://www.restoreteens.com/Search/0/Residential-Treatment-Center/index.html
There are many struggling teens that are not getting proper care, attention and love from their family member and friend. The troubled kids help centers bring you lots of treatment programs along, with many educational programs with proper care and attention and enjoyment environment.
http://www.strugglingteen.net/