How Can We Protect Our Children?
When I was a child, my images of drug addicts and alcoholics came from TV and movies. My young children, Daisy and Jasper, have grown up with a different picture of addiction: their big brother’s.
I’ve written about Nic, my eldest son, in a book called Beautiful Boy. Nic was addicted to methamphetamine and used many other drugs: heroine, cocaine, ecstasy, and other pills. Nic also wrote about his addiction in Tweak, a brutal, unflinchingly honest, and ultimately inspiring chronicle of his descent and –did you hear me knock on wood? — recovery.
Nic has been sober for 2 years, 3 months,2 weeks, and 3 days, but who’s counting?
Both of us describe the impact of Nic’saddiction on his younger brother and sister. Jasper and Daisy adore Nic and he adores them back, but that didn’t spare them from the ghastly hell that comes from an addiction of a family member. After that it’s unsurprising that when my wife and I talk to the kids about drugs they look at us with incredulousness. “Are you kidding?” Jasper said. “After Nic do you actually think we’d do drugs?”
When Daisy learned that Nic got drunk for the first time when he was eleven, she was flabbergasted. “Eleven!” She’s eleven. “What was wrong with him?” she asked.
What’s the difference between her and Jasper and Nic? Yes, there have been significant differences in their childhoods. Nic’s mother and I divorced whereas Jasper and Daisy’s mom and I are happily married. The kids have different genes; Nic had a grandfather who died of alcoholism whereas as far as we know, Daisy and Jasper have no alcoholic or addicted relations. It doesn’t matter. My wife Karen and I know that Daisy and Jasper aren’t immune. No child is. It’s a terrifying fact.
I’ve read the research that says that kids who talk to their parents about drugs are less likely to use and abuse drugs. I have no reason to disbelieve the researchers, but I also know that openness and education aren’t enough. I hate to say it, but I think that in spite of our best efforts – even if we do everything right (and what parent does everything right?) — some kids will experiment with drugs. Some kids will abuse them. Some will become addicted.
How can we protect our children? I used drugs as a teenager and young adult. I watched Nic’s descent. I’ve painstakingly researched addiction. My wife Karen and I will continue to talk openly with Jasper and Daisy. And yet I still know that in spite of their great wisdom and intelligence and their first-hand experience living through their brother’s addiction, there’s no guarantee that Jasper and Daisy will avoid them. There are no guarantees and no silver-bullet answers – if only there were – but maybe together—by sharing our experiences, our hard-earned knowledge—we and other parents will get through. And so will our kids. It’s why I’m grateful for the opportunity to participate in Decoder in what I hope will be a dynamic, ongoing conversation with other parents. I hope to share what my family and I go through and especially I want to hear how others are doing.
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Thank you so much for your courage and willingness to share your story. When we discovered that our younger son Dave was addicited to drugs we were not only confused and fearful but incredulous. We felt we had done the things that the prevailing conventional wisdom had dictated to prevent this from happening. We had talked to our kids, we had stated our expectations about drug use and ensured that our kids participated in prevention activities like DARE. We got the “shot” our boys were innoculated, we lived in a upscale community with good schools and were loving and supportive parents. The “perfect family”. But what we know now is that this disease of addiction is an equal opportunity affliction that cuts across all segments of society.
In some ways we now question whether we can ever truly prevent drug abuse and that instead of speaking in those terms of prevention we should see it more as intervention strategies. But however we view it, it is important for those of us who have walked this path with our children speak out and share our stories and perhaps in doing so we can begin to lift the veil of stigma and denial in our society which will help us protect the children of this world a little better.
I’ll never forget when the TV show “Beverly Hills 90210″ first came on the air. My son was in third grade, and I was shocked how teenage life was portrayed on the screen. I remember discussing the show with other parents during one of those torturous T-ball games where Brady’s team was in outfield exile. One parent, a nurse at a local high school, filled me in on mainstream 14- to18-year-old behavior as she saw it. Her first-hand experience sobered me. Shut me up. Then and there, I silently vowed: not my kid.
Many years later, I tuned in with interest to the music biographies on cable TV, finding solace in the fact that my young adult was at least not as bad as most rock stars.
Knock, knock, hell-oooo, I met reality. Ready or not, there I was.
I learned that you do the best you can with your children. You share your work ethic, your values, you talk about drugs and alcohol, you model how to live. Then when the children are all grown up, or at least they think they are, you do whatever you can to help a situation, but by then, mostly you get to “accept reality.”
I used all the lectures swirling around in my head. The “this is my home and at this point in time, it does not seem compatible with the way you want to live your life” and so on. But mainly I learned to let go because it was all there was left to do. I learned to let my grown-up kid make his own mistakes. To stand back and watch him fall. And when he did fall, I quit rushing in with the bandaids and aloe vera when he did (because I realized I did that too much in his young life.)
In our case, things turned out okay. He survived, grew up, learned lessons he needed to learn, and adopted a healthier lifestyle.
And I learned the lessons I needed to learn too. You can only change yourself, and if I could change anything, I would change the way I rushed in to try and save my son when things didn’t go well in his elementary years (not referring to drugs and alcohol here, but responsiblity issues of all kinds.) I would stand back and let him face the consequences of his behavior (sorry, but yes, you will miss the basketball game, even though basketball is your life right now.) I would stand back because when a child is young, those consequences aren’t really a matter of life and death.
I don’t know if that would have made a difference during the difficult years, but I do know I’m doing things differently with my younger children. I’m not robbing them of the chance to learn crucial lessons when they make a mistake.
And I remind myself of this constantly, like right now.
I’m proud of the love and work you’ve chosen with your family. It’s those kinds of actions that make a difference in children.
Also, drugs are for the purpose of escape and freedom and joy. These are REAL needs in people. If they don’t find it in life, they will find it elsewhere–in drugs or prominiscuity or overeating, etc.
There is a way better, and REAL joy out there that helps you escape and be free and that only reality is Jesus. We were built to have intimacy with Him and we will keep searching for that joy until we find Him. I’m not even talking religion but a true love relationship with the Creator who made us need freedom, joy and the things we are looking for when we use drugs or other substitutes. Giving our children a chance for real encounters with the Supernatural God is the way that they will not want to use drugs. They will have real freedom, joy and life.
I agree.
I have just read the introduction to the book and I am looking forward to reading this book.
I wonder why you never see a book from parents whose child never makes it back. Their children are still on America’s street corners telling you they are homeless and hungry. They are just like David’s child but they “never” come home again.
Why do so many parents who have all this knowledge and experience then move on and leave the rest of us behind. They don’t get involved. They don’t run Al-anon or Families Anonymous meetings. They don’t donate their money. They don’t start their own support groups. Nothing, they just wave at us who remain on the Titanic from the “Good Ship Lolli-pop.”
What would happen if everyone would stay and fight with us?
Respectfully,
Pat Nichols
Why is that? They have the education and parents desperately need to hear their experiences.
I typically don’t respond to articles, etc. regarding addiction and how as a parent it feels to live with and through the pain and frustration. My son has struggled with addiction from the age of 13. As a mother I tried desperately to talk to him about drugs, smoking, and drinking in the effort to keep him from “using” but as we all know that is not enough in many cases. His drug use escalated and for the past 10 years I have experienced more sleepless nights and spent countless dollars in hopes of finally defeating the “monster” I have come to know well. Everytime you think you have that glimmer of hope it seems to disappear. My son is now 24, married and has two beautiful children. Unfortunately his wife, a 37 year old woman, is an addict and throughout their 2 years of marriage, both have ended up in the court system (pre-children phase) and on probation. His wife ended up in violation of her probation a little over a year ago while pregnant and my first grandchild was born and spent the first two months of her life in a drug treatment center. Shortly after her being sent to treatment for 6 months, my son was arrested and charged for possession of drugs. He voluntarily entered treatment and as Mr. Sheff stated “for the first time in a while, I slept through the night” just knowing he was somewhere I hoped he would be safe and finally get help to stop this descent. He emerged looking better than I had seen in more years than I would like to admit and clear mind, ready to stay clean forever. For me though, knowing his wife would be coming home soon and even with reassurances from them both that they were committed to staying off drugs, I couldn’t help worrying that it just wouldn’t happen no matter how much they or I tried to convince myself. My son was extremely lucky and given probation for his drug charges. Now, almost a year later and small moments of concern, things seemed to be going well. Well, almost, then I find out my son and his wife both have been taking a prescription medicine that is used to treat addiction but is one that my son’s probation officer is strongly opposed to the use of. During this period my second grandchild was born premature under 2 lbs. The baby was kept in the hospital for 3 months and leaving my son to try to stay close by the hospital to be with the baby while mom went home to take care of the older child. Problems began between them, suspicions of possible drug use surfaced, so here we are again. Because of the opposition of my son’s probation officer to the medication, he was determined to be in violation of his probation and we once again found ourselves facing the situation of my son being back in treatment, but this time at the direction of the court. I knew that this was going to be a huge struggle with both fighting addiction and it’s just not that simple to send them to treatment one time and think that fixes it all. Not that it doesn’t help but that is not a complete cure all. He admits he is still struggling but did try his hardest and had stayed clean (not using street drugs) up until he was told his medication had put in in violation. I like Mr. Sheff have never given up hope, even when I knew the outcome would not be what I hoped. I don’t think you can ever really feel like you have done everything you could to have prevented your child from starting even if you gave every ounce of yourself to the effort. Fear and disappointment just won’t let you feel that you did your best. I had hoped that the two miracles in my son’s life would be a big motivator and for the most part they have. He is a good father and loves his children. I too know that the addiction he fights may still sometimes win. With my son in treatment and a considerable distance from home and his kids, I now have the constant fear of what his wife is doing and if she is using and just able to hide it better from me since I don’t really know the signs with her. I only know that I refuse to have my grandchildren be exposed to this continuing cycle of addiction. I live for the moment when I see my son emerge and can know for certain this is over, he wants more for himself and his family, which may or may not include his wife if she continues using. I guess this really isn’t just a comment but a statement that we all love our children and try to keep them safe and teach them to make good choices. I see those values in my son even with what he is dealing with. It is so painful to watch how drugs affect a life and those around them. It can stretch a family to their limits and beyond that is for sure. I am one that will continue to look for those glimmers and small successes. Educating yourself and being involved is so very critical. I was not one that could just shut the door and say I’m sorry I am not going to deal with this. I see those babies and know they don’t deserve to continue this cycle and I will continue to believe that my son will find a way through this and come out a winner.
I want to respond to Pat Nichols regarding parents that have children that are not recovering. I am one of those parents. My daughter has been to rehab for Meth at age 16, and for Cocaine and pills at age 18. She is now 19 and still using. It is very difficult to go through each day knowing all the time, effort and money I have given does not mean anything to her. What I did finally figure out through Al-Anon was that she has to want to change, I can’t change her. However, I have changed and I now volunteer for Partnership for a Drug Free America, Arizona Chapter so that I can educate parents and share my story. I am lucky that I have the time and the emotions to work on this even though my daughter is not drug free, however I do imagine that there are many parents that just don’t have the strength to deal with it anymore and for them my heart and prayers go out to them. Dealing with an addict, especially your child, is not only financially draining but emotionally draining as well. If I am able to help just one family through my volunteering, I will feel that I did something. Just remember, you can’t tell somebody what they should do unless you have walked in their shoes.
Sincerely,
Camille Williams
David, I heard you & NIc’s interview on NPR’s ‘Fresh Air’ with Terri Gross this evening. I think I met your son in San Francisco years ago. The memory of him has haunted me. I’d like to open a correspondence with you & him regarding that time frame. Please contact me at the email address I have posted with my comment. I look forward to confirming that Nic is who I think he is, and will finally be able to put to rest the concerns I have been carrying for him all these years.
Hi, You are two very brave men. I went through a horrible heroine addiction I finally got clean and wrote it down. The title is “The True Trials and Tribulations of a Jewish Bankrobber”. I never had committed and crimes in my life till I became more and more strung out. Please advise on getting my story heard. It is all important. Thank you again. Jamie
David, I have been reading the articles and excerpts from the books you and Nic have written and I am intrigued. I am a police detective with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department and I am also attending UNLV. I am taking a class entitled Drugs and Behavior and I have been given an assignment (with a number of other students in a group) to create a “book” designed to help people better understand Methamphetamine and it’s addicting qualities. My personal assignment is to create a case study chapter for the book. I plan to use Nic for my chapter and I am seeking permission to use some of your material. I would also love the opportunity to be able to create some sort of correspondence, whether via email or by phone. I have included my email address and I would be honored if you would reply. Thank you for your time and your work. I have gained much more of an understanding of meth and of those who struggle with addiction. Ryan Anderson
Hello, David
Just wondering if we could touch base about your brain hemmorage. I suffered from one last spring (May). It was in my cerebellum (balance). I am good to go now. I was very lucky. So were you, I know!
I also have a brother whose current residence is in a van in the Santa Cruz Mt. He has broken many bridges with us in the past due to drugs, etc… My siblings have contact with him but don’t take any chances due to broken trust in the past. All four of us kids are adopted from all over the world.
I feel your pain, past and present.
Rebecca
(626)705-1221
*Contact if you want to talk .:)
*How did your brain hemmorage come about? My surgeon still doesn`t know. What are the chances it will occur again? My surgeon doesn’t know.
As I read your book, I found myself nodding at the familiarity of so many of your experiences. I also had an addict steal my checks and forge my signature, total my car, tear my family apart and make me frantic with worry.
However, in my story, the roles are reversed. I was the child and my father the addict. Alcohol was his drug of choice. He never tried chrystal meth (or any other drug to my knowledge) but the alchohol did just as much damage to his once charming personality and brilliant mind. He died 3 years ago from complications of his addiction. My own son was born two weeks later and I named him after my Father hoping he would inherit some of his good qualities. As terrible as it sounds in many ways, I am relieved that my son never met his grandfather.
I am still no closer to understanding why or what caused my Father’s actions. I can only agree with David Sheff that the answers are complicated. I agree that Al Anon helps and we need to reach out for support. I don’t believe you caused your Son’s addiction any more than I caused my Father’s. One of the many lessons my Father never intended to teach me is that we can only control our reaction to an addict, never their actions.
In the end, they are responsible for themselves.
I saw your book in Border’s last night and when I picked it up and read the covers, I could barely breathe. My son, David is a meth addict. I was amazed to see the honesty while flipping thru your book. I have walked around so ashamed of my parenting, that I did not even tell my best friend about Dave until I got home last night. People do not understand how serious and terrible meth is. My son’s dad is mostly angry about being stolen from and I am heartbroken and live in fear that one day I will get “the” phone call. Thank you so much and thanks to Nic too for your honesty in dealing with this and for getting this information out to other parents!
After hearing interviews on NPR and reading reviews, I ordered your book and your son’s. I just finished reading yours which I will press on every parent I know and work with. I am the mother of three teenagers and work as a health educator and counselor at a local university health system teen health center.
I have read many pieces and books about adolescent alcohol and substance abuse, but this is the best by far - honest, informed, well-researched.
Thnak you so much.
Best,
M.A. Sullivan
My son is 24 years old and it’s around January 2005. I wanted to send him a cd I put together for Christmas with different groups on it like, Black Eye Peas, U2, Skillet and a few others with the theme of do you feel loved. I didn’t send it because I felt discouraged and disheartened, I haven’t seen or spoke with my son directly for almost 5 years. I’ve tried calling, sending him cards, gifts for the holidays, his birthdays and even phone cards to have him call me. His lives with his mom outside of the Detroit area and I live in Western Michigan about 2 hours away.
I was in the area and wanted to stop by and say hi. He was home but didn’t want to talk to me. I tried asking his mom how’s he doing, what’s he doing, but she didn’t speak to me either. I felt desperate and tried calling several times before heading back to Western Michigan.
November of that year I was at work and called my voice mail at home to hear my dad’s voice telling me my son was dead! I was in shock and felt total disbelief. How could this happen? What happened!? I was numb. I tried to gather myself and find out what happened. He died in his sleep and everyone in my family thought it had nothing to do with drugs. I sensed it did and days later I had several conversations with the Dr who performed the autospy and the DEA. It appears that in a span of 3 months 14 people had died in Michigan from accidental overdoses of Fentynal. My son had 6 nanaograms in his system that killed him. Six nanograms!? That’s like atom size.
The DEA was baffled because Fentynal unlike Meth cannot be made in the basement with materials bought from the store. You need to be a certain type of chemist with a lab and the only people in the country capable of this were in prison for the last 20 years, but were recently released and nobody knew where they were.
Though I am somehwat reserved on this forum I assure you this loss is catstrophic. I’m not sure what I have to say that will help anyone. The last time I seen my son I took him to a speakers meeting of AA. He seemed to like it and shared with me it was different than what he thought and he mentioned there were more young pepole in it than he thought. But never spoke to me after this.
Alcohol and drug abuse in any form seem to lead to subtle forms of innocent isolation. I wish I had him back.
I miss him, his humor, his involvement in sports and just him.
Mike
David, I just finished your book yesterday and I want to thank you for writing this book. You gave a voice to what I have been experiencing and feeling these last few months. I am a high school teacher and my daughter had always been a good student and athlete until recently. She got picked up for shoplifting alcohol in September, and then we discovered during therapy that she was addicted to cocaine and alcohol! She is only 16. We tried to get her to stop but she just couldn’t seem to do it. Even if I tried to keep her at the house she would just wait for me to fall asleep, steal my phone and car and do what she wanted. The anxiety that a parent experiences when they don’t know if their child is safe is so intense. You described it so accurately and beautifully in your book. I was right there with you. Anyway, she kept using and pulling all nighters and sleeping all day and losing weight and skipping school and leaving school to get high. I finally sent her away to stay with her grandmother. But she just found users there too, of course. “You can’t control it.” Anyway, I don’t think she has used cocaine for about a month, since she did $2400 worth of damage to my car driving drunk and strung out on some upper that she doesn’t know the name of. But I still am full of trepidation. Hopeful yet hopeless. It is agonizing. And like Nic my daughter is a product of divorce and an atheist because I am, and like you I blame myself and like you I did drugs when I was younger. I had never heard of Alanon’s 3 C’s. I have been repeating them to myself since I read them in your book. The other aspect of your book that was really helpful was the fact that you and Nic have been so brave by being open about it. I feel like I have this big secret in my life. I am a teacher and my daughter is a drug addict. I can’t tell my coworkers this, Nevermind my students. Of course some of my peers know because my daughter attended this school until last fall. We had to transfer her to get her away from her peers, not to mention to save my career. Most people are not sympathetic and do not see addiction as a disease. I don’t completely buy that either but I am working on it. I have to to survive. As you can tell I could just go on and on. I am so distraught, but like I said I am hopeful. My daughter is at a smaller school now and seems to be committed to staying away from coke, although she is still drinking on the weekends, much to my dismay. She started your book yesterday and really likes it too. I ordered Tweak from Amazon so that will be my next read. I am also going to buy a few more copies of your book for the people in my life who have been affected by my obsession with my daughter’s addiction. I am currently in a relationship with a really kind and supportive man, but all of this has really taken its toll on our relationship. I worry we won’t make it. It is true that I am addicted to my daughter’s addiction. You have helped me see that too.
Once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting your story out there. I feel closer to healing and I have a feeling my daughter will also gain some wisdom from reading your book too.
Sincerely, Emily
David, I applaud you for your courage.
As you have discussed, recovery is an individual journey. There are no right and wrong answers. As individuals, different treatment methods work for different individuals.
The definition of reaching “bottom” is also ones own definition. What I would consider my “bottom” may not mean the same definition to another.
I would love to bring hope to parent’s that their child would never use drugs. I would love to think that Jasper or Daisy are immune now by their brother Nic’s experience. But that is not true. No one is immune!
The question here “How can we protect our children?” We can discuss “til blue in the face”-to STAY AWAY! and many can account that that just didn’t work. Why?
We need to re-program ourselves, and teach our children that a “bottom” isn’t necessarily-homeless, jobless, broke, slamming under a freeway over-pass. There are many functioning addicts, that still work each day, teach each day, married, etc. There are many addicts, that have “raised the bar” of a bottom (high bottom addicts), and have entered into recovery much sooner.
We need to educate our children that drugs are just the symptom of the disease…just a symptom! Yes, many as Nic are genetically predisposed-but not everyone who is genetically predisposed to the disease will become addicts. Why?
Those parents who are already dealing with children who are using..ask the Why?
Why my child?
Why me?
Why didn’t rehab work?
Why another relapse?
Why, Why, Why!
Rehab facilities are great for detox. period. There is some counseling…but then the addict is left to go face a world, that obviously had a hard time facing. Why?
It is estimated in 2006 that over 2million people have recovered through the 12 steps of AA. Not including the recovery statics of Narcotics Anonymous, Marijuana Anonymous, Over-Eaters Anonymous, Sex Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous-programs that have adopted the 12 steps of AA. And parents who continually watch their child relapse-ask Why? They see their child going to meetings, see their child working with a sponsor, the see them trying so hard to stay sober…so Why another relapse???
Abstinence is NOT the answer.
Why??? Can”t my son/daughter, husband or wife stay sober!! Why!? And Why are some individuals able to stay sober, especially with the 12 steps of AA???
Because AA is a “spiritual” program. Not a “Religious” program…but Spiritual.
We live in a very spiritually bankrupt society. We live in fear. Programmed by a dogmatic society of a hateful, vengeful God…that will damn us to hell, or a God that isn’t there. Those that missed the “spirituality” part of the AA program-will relapse…because they still live with resentments, fear and are spiritually bankrupt.
Am I saying that we drag our children to church every Sunday to “protect” them. Not necessarily. But how about bringing spirituality into our homes…teaching our children that we are celestial beings having a human experience.
If you are already dealing with an addicted child, or one who is experimenting…read a AA Big Book..understand the 12 steps. If you haven’t had to deal with addiction yet…jump start on the spiritual concept.
(Step 2) Teach your children that there is a Higher Power (call it God, call it Energy…call it Mother Nature-Powers of the Universe-doesn’t matter). (Step 3) Teach them to have some faith…everything happens for a reason…lessons of life…if we accept these lessons and Learn-we won’t have to go through them again, and again and again! The powers of the universe will give us what we need (even when it’s not what we want)..to continue our spiritual growth. (Step 4/5) Get rid of the garbage!!!! Clear your soul!!!! Resentment is the #1 killer of an addict. Teach your children to talk, talk, talk…help them understand how they can’t control someone else’s behavior…and though they can’t control it, it doesn’t mean they are “bad” if they don’t accept it or forgive it. But you have to give it to God…you have to let it go. Talk to them to identify the lesson they learned from such behavior, what emotions or feelings did they experience? How the experience or situation may have brought on fear, insecurities, exposure..and the flip side-joy, peace, happiness. Teach them not to judge or criticize another soul. We are all connected, we all learn from each other, and we are all just trying to live a life. Doesn’t mean we have to like everyone or everyone like you. (Step 6) Forgiveness is Divine-but we are not in a state of divinity as a human. Teach are children that righteous anger is OK. Vengeful thoughts are OK…but we don’t act upon them..we don’t let negative emotions, behaviours, thoughts, etc. consume us. Give to God, and be done with it-move on! (Step 7) In our lessons for life-if we say some things in our lives we would like to change, to make us a better person..more spiritual, or less fearful, less vengeful…and not sure how to make those changes-just ask! The powers of the universe will help. (Step 8/9) Teach our children, that if they are not proud of their behavior, if they feel guilty about something they said that hurt someone else-but only if they truly feel bad about the situation-teach them that it is ok to feel remorseful… And proving you are sorry can be as simple as not repeating it. (Step 10) Teach our children that people change, they change…that it is OK not to be “perfect”. No one in human form is perfect. Do unto others as you would have done unto you…teach them to love themselves first! Don’t love others, neglecting you! Because they will beat themselves up thinking that they are constantly doing wrong to others!!!
(Step 11) Praying is to talk to God, meditation is to listen to God. This is when you ask God to use you as a “channel”…and listening to him to know his will…listen to your children…most of them are more in tune then adults. Teach them that there intuition is correct. Teach children that the voice they sometimes hear is not lying…teach your children that there are miracles in life. Teach them that if they are the vehicle the powers of the universe use to create miracles and perform miracles for others…not to have false expectations of recognition…but there are gold stars in the sky with their names on it
We need to teach our children that thoughts are things. The powers of the universe do indeed listen. Teach are children the power of positive thinking. David is a perfect example that thoughts can manifest itself-he wished himself into a brain hemorrage by thoughts of having his son expunged from his brain. Teach are children how to pray-be precise and specific of what they want, and why…and if they believe their prayers aren’t heard..teach them that they are! But the answer was NO! (Step 12) Teach our children that they in deed can make a difference in someones life. Do you know that just smiling at someone who’s having a “bad” day can change the day? What about just picking up a piece of paper someone dropped? Teach our children that they don’t have to hide their “spiritual” belief. Teach our children that everyone is a messenger-including them!
A spiritual path is just as individualistic as recovery. But you will not recover if you keep holding on to old resentments and fears…you will not recover if you are spiritual bankrupt…you will not recover if you don’t stop every now and then and listen-to the powerful messages from the powers of the universe (which I choose to call Mother and Father God).
Teach your children the power of the Serenty Pray…with the power of pray and meditation…you receive higher knowledge and wisdom-which removes the fear of the “unknown”. Isn’t it miracles how much courage you have when you remove fear? Teach your children to meditate to “hear” if something should be changed or not. And only then do you find peace…and serenity.
Daisy made the best spiritual comment in the entire book…”But you know, I don’t think I will be so scared to die. I think it’s like today: the end of a vacation when you are ready to go home”.
Even though life seems more like a real bad camping trip…but once we evolve and perfect our souls to the level we want to perfect for this life time…we do go to the most wonderful reunion when we get back “home”.
Hello David. I have not read your book because I just stumbled onto it while in Starbuck’s this morning, however I will this week. I too am the parent of a son and former drug abuser, and have lived the hell with so many other parents in this country. My son is now 35, going on 36. He used from a provessed age of 14 until 2 years ago. Today he is doing beautifully, and I thank God as a result. I too went through divorce, smashed cars, stolen money, fear and rage that would kill me by his hand if not spared. But, I was spared, as was my younger son by 3 years, and an ex-husband who also loved his son, though denied the truth behind his drug abused.
I do not believe there are any magic answers in ‘fixing’ our children’s drug abuse problems. I, like you, believe it is very complex from marrying parterns in direct contradiction to our own soul’s life-value systems, to genes dispositioned to addictions.
I agree greatly with Carol’s March 9 posting, with exception that in Step 11, sometimes God’s non-answer can also mean He just hasn’t responded yet.
For me, the turning point was also realzing I only had control over my life, and the best I could do was to give truth to my son when ever the opportunity permitted. One such truth was telling him (again as Carol said earlier) that it’s ‘ok’ to say no, and speak the truth, even if it means telling an adult, or any one for that matter, where and how they are wrong. I had to tell my son that just as God set boundries in the oceans only going as far as the eye could see, the moutains stopping at their peaks, and the tree tops stopping at their branch tops, they too have the right to set boundries in who, how, what, why, and when someone can come into their circumfrence of life. And that if those that want to come into their lifes can not add to the betterment of their life, then they have the right (and is not wrong) to remove them from their life.
When I divorced, I gave my life up to find my son again - his soul, and if possible, bring him back home. God allowed that to happen though the process of me going back to school, getting a job, a getting a home to allow my sons to come to when they wanted, and now to day they do.
Today, my life has come full circle, but it wasn’t easy and it wasn’t short. If parents don’t write about their children ‘not coming back’ it’s because the pain is so great that it’s inconcieveable to even write about let alone share with others that are strangers in their life. It has been 21 years now from the day my son started on drugs, that I found I am able to write this note. Those who can not write are in deep pain; those who can are released to share the truth. Thank you for letting me share mine.
I’ve read your incredible book, and am in awe of your journey. I feel I have to know how life turns out for Nic in the future. As a mother of two elem. aged children, and an elementary school teacher, I am constantly aware of all the pitfalls we as parents and teachers must consider for those we love. I have learned much from your work in this book, and will carry it on as a teacher who wants to enrich the lives of my students for years to come. As well as be a most aware parent that I can be. Education and knowledge is the greatest tool I have at hand…thank you for adding to my arsenal.
David Sheff,
I read Beautiful Boy, it is incredible book because I feel your pain. I have been divorced almost a year due to this kind of circumstances and I can´t stop doing something for my “husband”. He is 34 years old and every line I read, I thought of him and my life. This book helped me a lot to understand many things about meth and I dream to help somebody to learn more and help others. My brother also has the same illness. I want know if you have this publication in Spanish because the Hispanic people don´t have these kind of materials to learn more about meth and they need it.
The life for families who live with this kind of illness is really unpredictable, we don´t know where we are, or what we need. We only dream for one thing - peace in our hearts. You said in your book how is it possible that we love and we hate at the same times, just one second is the difference between those feelings. I lived for fourteen years this style of life and now I feel lost, some days I feel really happy then I remember something and it changes to a sad feeling. I know I need help. I think if I don´t have any good memory with him was more successful I forgotten him and his lies, but I can’t erase all my life with him. I know I love him today but I can’t live together, especially for health, physical and psychological reasons. We have three children and they’re my reason to live. I always dream that they will grow up with their father, and I feel Gilberto on one part of his heart also has this feeling.
Please let me know if you have any person to translate this book into Spanish.
Amazing book!! Read it in a couple days–then borrowed it out to a family like “ours”……
You summed up what many of us are going through and put into words what many cannot.
Thank You!
Laurie B.
Yet another thank you for your heartfelt and honest account of your life with an addict. Our family, too, has suffered. And our story ended with my son’s suicide in 2005, five days before his 21st birthday. I read your article “My Addicted Son” shortly after his death. Your story is our story. I find myself nodding yes, yes, yes, when I read that and your book, Beautiful Boy. So many things click as to the failure of rehabs, the system, the lack of knowledge by many in the medical community. Your book should be required reading for all. I’m sorry I missed you & Nic at the Barnes & Noble in Huntington Beach, California, recently, where I live. Your book triggered a wave of feelings that I continue to struggle with. But I want to thank you for speaking out, for fighting the stigma attached to addiction, which is clearly a disease, not a moral failure, and for speaking out on behalf of all of us who have faced this. Kudos to Nic for his continued sobriety.
I’m reading your book just now (on the heels of my mother-in-law’s latest binge) and am so into it. I never have time to read but I’m making time now. I worry myself sick over this with my two-year-old daughter… worrying that she will take after the long line of addicts in her family. So thank you for your words that are so easy to read for a tired worry-wart like me. I just keep hoping I can do something that will make a difference.
Dear David,
Your story is my story, Nic’s story is my son Jakes….I have read both books recently. Unfortunately my story did not end as yours…my 20 year old son died at home with a needle in his arm on March 9th, 2008. I began reading your book almost immediately and followed with Nics. I was moved by both of your struggle as I felt each word…Jake too was a beautiful boy. A great and gifted student, talented musician, wonderful writer and a great athlete…he played football and hockey. He was popular and well loved. Now he is gone. My mission is to tell his story and maybe help someone else’s beautiful child. I speak on friday at Jakes high school.
My husband is a sweet, caring man. He is a functioning acholoic. I have been struggling with this for most of our 22 years of marriage. His addiction weighs on me. Now our 19 year old son smokes pot. Says he has since he was 16. He says he won’t do other drugs other than pot. But isn’t that what other drug users have said that went on to use cocanine, meth, etc…. I tell him “do you think that a heroine addict started using heroine on day one? Do you think any addict took his first drink of beer and said ‘I’m going to get hooked on this’ - Of course not.” He has gotten himself into legal trouble a year and a half ago - and we’re still dealing with that. I feel so ashamed. I have only told 1 member of my family about this - my closest friends know nothing. He says that “everyone smokes and drinks.” All the kids names that I called out - he said “he smokes, she smokes, etc….” I said we’d send him out of state to live with his Aunt for a while. He said cousin “x” smokes too. What a shock! They are mormon. I wish I could lock him up in a room until he is 35 - to keep him safe…. I wonder where we went wrong? It scares me because he has low self esteem. We’re afraid he may commit suicide one of these days. I’ve asked him to stop, but he doesn’t want to. I know the only control I have is over myself. I have to go to alanon. I have to help myself because my soul is crushed. I’m no longer the happy, witty, outgoing person I was. I’ve lost myself. I will help my son with anything that is “positive” - like paying for him to play in a basketball league. I’m hoping that if I keep on putting positive things in his path, he’ll see the positive consequences and contine. I’m sorry that so many of you have suffered like I have, yet I’m so glad there is someone that knows how I feel. Thank you all (I’m going to get the book this week!)
My 24 year old son is in rehab, again, for 24 days. Big deal, its not enough.. He has been using drugs since the age of 13. He started smoking pot which was given to him by one of his camp counselors. My son is a liar, a thief, an addict, can’t hold a job, ruined every relationship he has ever had, in debt, but we still love him. We mourn his life, and ours, everyday for the things he will never have or experience. When he is released on the 25th of May I will pick him up and drop him off on the streets again. He is not allowed to live with us. I have been trying to get him to enter a residential program in another state that will keep him for 15 months but he refuses to go. His addiction has taken its toll on all of us and everyday we struggle to function or feel “normal”. Nobody gets it if they haven’t lived it. He is our only child and we miss him. We don’t even know him. I tell everyone that this is like a bad movie that you are just waiting to be over, and I know the ending will be bad.
We did it differently. And I think this way worked because it was done relatively early in our daughters addiction, and we had a motivated child. After my daughter was arrested for possession of meth, my husband and I did “rehab” at home. Because of the recent rash of actors staying at lux rehabs, my daughter and her using friends had already “picked” out where they would stay should they ever decided they needed to go. No roughing it for them. Their rehab had gourmet meals, allowed pets, had a pool and, unbelievably, visitors. They already had figured out that the visitor would be their dealer. So when the time came, my husband and I told her that if anyone would be laying out by a pool while she was recovering..it would be us. The best thing that happened, was that due to a holiday when she was arrested, she had to spend 3 days in jail. The hardest 3 days of my life, I wanted to bail her out…but I am glad that we did not. She ended up doing whatever she could to never repeat that experience again, and that included staying off of meth. I would recommend to anyone, as hard as it is, to NEVER bail your child out. They seem to expect that from you, no matter their behavior, and for her to realize that she could not manipulate us in that way, seemed to straighten her out. Recovery was not easy, it took a good year - she took anti-depressants because her friends told her that she would be unable to come down without them. She slept for a whole month, then woke up and began doing puzzles. For an entire year. My other recommendation is not to push them too soon. Very hard when you have an able bodied person at home not working and taking only 1-2 classes in college, but they need that time to heal. What we didn’t realize, was that she (an honors student), was having a hard time focusing and 2 classes was all she could do. Your book was very enlightening to me regarding the damage that meth does to the brain. And encouraging in that the damage seems to be recoverable. I guess my advice is to wake up and smell the coffee right away. It is hard, I know, to believe that your perfect child is an addict, but had she not gotten caught, and had we not showed her consequences (you are on your own when you land in jail), I don’t think that we would have had as “easy” a time as we did in her recovery. Court mandated drug tests helped, (as we were too lenient there too), and the fact that she was motivated. Obviously, if they are not, you need to put them in a place where they can’t run away. One of us was also home all of the time as well, and she was not allowed to have friends. That was a privilege she had abused, and had to earn. She did go to meetings, but that seemed more stressful than helpful to her, I think because she was around addicts, which she was trying to avoid. It is important to remember that while they are recovering, and that includes the period after rehab, they are not the same person that you know, or even that they knew. You have to lower your expectations and not force them to pick back up in their lives where they left off or where you wanted them to be. One of the things that I think she did right was to start school slowly while living at home. I think there is too much temptation when living alone, particularly away from the watchful eyes of family. Also, I think that because their brains are damaged, it may be too frustrating for them to try and become fully functional right away - even full time minimum wage work can be too stressful, so try to not push them to do too much after recovery. Sensory overload seemed a common occurrance, so again, living at home took away a lot of day-to-day stress. Initially, even asking her to go to the grocery store seemed to stress her out. And, we noticed that her reasoning skills were off. She made some stupid decisions, but as time went on, she was much better able to prioritize properly. As long as they are taking steps, encourage those steps, not matter how baby, or how slow. Initially, just the fact that they are not using should be enough.
To summarize, I would suggest doing something harsh as soon as you realize what is going on (rehab) paricularly with teenagers, do not bail them out for any reason (not just jail, but school, whatever trouble they get into), and realize that even when they are physically off the drug, their brain could still be trying to recover, and they will need some time to take it slow and adjust to being back in the real world. And of course with recovery, it’s not over until its over.
I bought this book back in March at Costco with my mom. I just started reading it because I read a lot, and buy a lot of books.
I’m 14. I’m a pretty good kid, I get really good grades, when i was younger I ate all my vegetables, listened to my parents and all that jazz. I’ve read a lot of books that have to do with drugs. A lot of them make me think, but I think Beautiful Boy has made me think the most.
On the surface, I guess you could say a lot of parents wanted a kid like me. Athletic, advanced classes in school, 4.0 gpa. But what my parents, and other parents don’t know, is that I snuck out all the time. I smoked marijuana, I drank, I popped pills. I thought of doing so many other drugs, and it wasn’t hard for me to obtain things, or to go out because I had my parents’ trust.
Eventually things got out of hand, though i maintained my gpa and facade around other parents, things got a little shaky at home. I ignored my parents, I talked back (more than usual), I came home later than I said I would, I didn’t answer when they called (because I was probably drinking or smoking, or super high or drunk) They started getting suspicious, and later on I just stopped caring. I didn’t care anymore. But I still had good grades because no matter what, I’ll always make sure I get my shit done for school, I think the future is so important.
One night I was out with a friend, my ‘best friend’ at the time, who i met this year. Basically, our friendship was started from drinking and smoking, because we were always down to do whatever. Well, a friend we were with, that we lost after we got drunk, passed out outside of an Ihop. The fire department found him and said if we got there before the police, that we could take him home. The police were already there.
We all got in trouble, two months later I go to court to deal with my citation.
It’s been a month since then and I am currently enrolled in a Drug and Alcohol counseling program. Well, the point of this comment- I’m almost done with Beautiful Boy. And your book has made me thought about what my parents must have felt. When they caught me drinking, when they caught me smoking, when i got suspended from school for having marijuana on me, when they had to pick me up from the back of a police car. It made me think. And looking at how much my parents work, what I’ve put them through, and how much they STILL love and care for me, make me want to stop.
I’m going to take these classes (the counseling program) seriously, because I really want to work at stopping. And I guess I wouldn’t have realized or looking around me if I hadn’t read your book. Maybe I would’ve, but by then, it could’ve been too late.
I started reading your book thinking I was going to figure out what you had done wrong as a parent so I could do it right to make sure my kids wouldn’t make the same mistakes your son did. Halfway through the book I realized you didn’t do anything wrong or at least anything I wouldn’t have done. I try to give my kids everything they want to make sure they are happy kids. I spend time with them and I think I am involved in their lives. I am now reading Nic’s book and I honestly feel that Nic was going to do drugs no matter what his childhood. Its like he was predisposed - kind of like to cancer. I keep worrying about him. I stay up late to read his book, I wake up early to get in some reading before my day gets busy and I think about you and Nic and the pain both of you must feel. I have never read any book that has touched me like your book and Nic’s book really filled in the blanks, but didn’t really answer the question why. Why did a boy with such loving parents feel so unloved or unworthy? My thoughts and prayers are with you both. Take care of yourself. Mom of three teens in Lake Charles, Louisiana
Dear Mr. Sheff,
My words can not thank you enough for your timely response regarding the correct info of the rehab center in New Mexico. Just the fact that you turned this around in less than twenty-four hours shows your determination and dedication to helping Nic and every other family like yours. My praise to you! Honestly, I didn’t expect you to respond at all……….In the past I’ve written to Dr. Phil, Intervention, and Oprah, but to no avail. Not even a “thanks for contacting us” note….nothing. So thank you again for reading my mail.
Let me explain four years worth of background to you in a nutshell. I have worked with my teammate, L, (we teach middle school in suburban Atlanta, GA) for the past four years. What started out with her son, R, who is now twenty-six, was drinking his senior year of high school. Not unheard of, right? He went to college and discovered that Adderall was a great little pill that gave you energy, and many of the students were taking it. As a result of many”up” days, he began taking Xanax to sleep at night. He’d buy the Adderall pill on campus and get Xanax from prescribing doctors, and when that began to fizzle out, he’d order it online and have it delivered right to his doorstep. He was dating a beautiful girl, M, who was so full of life, but had a lot of drama of her own. When he couldn’t get the Adderall, he began smoking crystal meth, and again abusing Xanax at night. One night four years ago exactly to this day, May 20th (what a coincidence), the kids were home from college and they had been to dinner and over at someone’s house. M, full of drama, had a fight with her boyfriend, R, and decided to drive off in a hurry telling him he’d be sorry that she left. She made it to the front of the neighborhood and crashed her car into a tree. R heard the crash and sped to the entranceway and she literally died in his arms that night. Everyone believes that she was just trying to get attention because this is how she was……she never intended to die.
M’s family banned R from the funeral ultimately blaming him for her death, but come on, we all know everyone wants someone to blame. He didn’t make her leave and crash her car, but her parents still don’t see it that way. After that, for the next four years, R has struggled with an addiction to crystal meth, Xanax, and other pain killers. He dropped out of college after making great grades and has tried going back, but it isn’t working out for him. He has been in many rehab facilities in which none have worked (they actually made him journal to God, and he refused and got kicked out). I can’t blame him for not wanting to journal to God. He was angry for losing his girlfriend; people do have a right to be angry with God.
Mr. Sheff, it pains me to hear L’s struggle with her son….for the past four years there’s something to hear about every day, and crazy stories that could stack up to Nic’s. My heart breaks for her, truly. I know the saying that ‘you are only as happy as your saddest child’ is totally true. His life consumes her along with the rest of the family, too. They are all in survival mode trying to make it through each day….the months of not knowing his whereabouts have nearly killed her. In fact, like your brain hemmorhage, she had to have half of her colon removed from all the worry. I know you can commiserate………you’ve lived it.
R is indeed a beautiful boy like Nic, too. He graduated from high school with highest honors, an all star athlete, all A’s while in college, and he is very handsome. I am left banging my head wondering how such a bright person could make such a wrong turn. I believe what started as a wrong turn has now led him over the edge to a real addiction since M died; and he is still so angry four years later.
The rehabs he’s been in have not helped him, in fact, I believe he comes out angrier; they are either too religious based, or the clientele are people not like him at all. He needs a place where he can meet people like himself (same age), and receive treatment/counseling for a death that he keeps trying to pretend didn’t happen. His parents have depleted a huge chunk of their retirement paying for his rehabs, court fees, attorney fees, his decision to go back to school (well over one hundred thousand dollars in four years)……they even opened up their home and allowed him to live there while attending college until they caught him abusing in their home, which then led to a traffic violation and breaking probation. He is now in a court ordered rehab in Conyers, GA that again, is NOT helping him; he expresses his anger with the whole thing and says he doesn’t even care if he gets kicked out, even though he’ll have to serve jail time. They are completely spent out, but have not given up on their son. Is there anything you could suggest? My friend is NOT a freeloader, and I’m not asking for your financial help or anything like that, just wondering what you recommend when the finances are being drained. Is there any sort of sponsorship program out there? I don’t even know what the right thing to ask would be…….I’m writing on her behalf, but she doesn’t know I’m writing to you.
Thank you, again, Mr. Sheff. You and Nic are amazing people with huge hearts. Just think…..what started out with pen to paper to write an article for a magazine has ended up touching the lives of thousands. I wish you both success, and a father-son love that continues to grow and strengthen for the rest of your lives. Please come to Atlanta for your paperback book tour in January. Yes, I spoke to your publicist, Megan Wilson, and she was very, very nice…….
Your Friend,
Jennifer in Georgia
My heart goes out to the both of you. What courage it took to share such intimate details to the world. When I read your book I could not put it down. I too suffer from the effects of this horrible disease. My only son used MJ when he was 14 years old and it has escalated from weed to Rx drugs to snorting Heroine. Today my son shoots Heroine to get more of a high (from what I understand) He has been sick for so long ~ He is 22 years old and has been in jail 6 times and to different rehabs & half way houses. I am a grateful member of Al-Anon Family Groups ~ Al-Anon has done for me what I could not do for myself. I joined Al-Anon nearly 20 years ago to help figure out a way to help my son’s Dad from drinking and using.
I am one of those Mom’s that know. Believe me it is true.
Today, I don’t know what my life would be like without the support of Al-Anon and people like you who share their experience strength and hope of putting up with this Cunning and baffling uncontrollable disease that my son is consumed with. For today I am playing the Tough Love parent as he was kicked out of Rehab again just the other week.
It has been a lifesaver reading your book and relating to it during this time of turmoil (again).
Hats off to both you and Nic…Hang in there Nic…If you cannot do this for you, do it for Dad, Mom, Karen, Jasper and Daisy.
They love you so much
God Bless you and your family.
I have not read your book, but I plan on purchasing it tomorrow. I just dropped my 19 year old son at a rehab facility today. He has been using since he was 14-15 years old. Started with pills, pot then progressed. He admitted he needs help and was willing to go for help. All of you can relate to all the emotions that have been felt over the years due to the changes in the person you love. The effect is has on the family. I feel helpless. I know of no where to go for people to relate although I know it is happening everywhere. I am looking forward to reading both of your books…..God bless…
Mary
Pretty nice site, want to see much more on it!
I have finally find a website where I can reach you. I tried to read your book for the first time back in February, but was unable to get past the first chapter due to my sobbing in response to seeing in your words the feelings I had felt for 3+ years about my 19 year old son. I was able to read it in June cover to cover after my son went into a six month residential rehab program. This only occured after two arrests in five months-one DUI and one petty theft. The tears I have cried and the rehashing of “what did I do wrong?” has been so futile all along. Like your son, my son was a gifted honors student since 3rd grade with a gpa of 3.6 on the gifted track when he entered his junior year of high school. Andrew was an awesome wrestler and what a brillant mind. He started smoking pot when he was 14 and that wonderful “gateway” drug led him to prescription drugs (which he took out of our home) and then to cocaine and ectasy. His drug of choice was oxycontin and clonipin which he overdosed on in Florida in May and woke up in jail not even remembering what he had done to get there. Thank-you so much for having the courage to tell your story. It gave me hope and reassurance that I wasn’t alone in the boat named “A Loving Parent of An Addicted Child From A Good Home”. I now know that it wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do. He has been in rehab for two months now and I am hopeful that he can recover his life and bright future. Thank-you. I would love to become an activist in order to support other parents who share the same story, and to help prevent other young people from choosing this sad and painful path that my son has been walking (or running) down.
David,
We educate, we speak openly and honestly, we set standards, we model a life worth living, we talk about genetics, we show how to have fun without drugs or alcohol, we pray. And kids still experiment. And some kids still become addicted.
What more CAN we do…before they make that decision to try-it-out?
I honestly have no idea why I’ve ended up on this sight. But it seems like just about every single perspective being shared here is from a parent. I will offer my first hand account, maybe it will provide some insight as to how to handle these situations should it happen to you and your family. I’m 20 years old. I was addicted to ecstasy for 2 years (I’ve been clean for 8 months). I didn’t do it because I hated my parents. I didn’t do it because I was looking for some sort of escape. I didn’t do it because I was peer pressured. I did it simply because I was curious. I did it because a friend of mine told me it was fun. When you’re a teenager the things your friends tell you seem a little more interesting that the things your parents tell you. I knew it was dangerous, but I did it anyways. I knew it was a highly addictive substance, but I did it anyways. No matter how many times you tell someone they will get addicted, they tend to have the mindset that they are somehow the exception. I figured I would try it once, just to see what it was like. It turned into a very constant and very destructive habit that lasted about 2 years. To this day not one person in my family knows about the problem I had. I guess I was one of the lucky ones. I was able to quit on my own. Some of my friends kept going, they started smoking meth and crack. I wanted to help them, but I couldn’t. I knew if I went near them I would fall into their habits. I got out. I have a 10 year old brother who looks up to me, I’m still in school… I have a huge amount of potential and just realizing that about myself is enough to keep me on the right track, or at least off the wrong one.
I really am not sure what has compelled me to come here and write this, maybe I just felt like I needed to tell someone. I guess I’m just trying to let people know that no matter how “educated” you and your kids are about addiction, you never have any idea what’s it’s really like until you experience it first hand.
Your Web Site is really wonderful and I bookmarked it. Thank your for the hard work you must have put in to create this wonderful facility. Keep up the excellent work!
I’ve read alot of these articles and really appreciate people sharing information and their personal lives to help others. I have a 16 year old son who has a drug problem and I am so ignorant about signs and “drug” language that I don’t know how to help him. He’s now on probation and attending a Drug Program which he attends 3 days a week for about 1.5 hours each session. However, he knows how ignorant I am about drugs and I think that is a BIG disadvantage for him to receive the best help. Sometimes I accuse him while asking him for education on the subject. How stupid is that. Well I am determined to learn facts and be there for him as a parent should be but I need alot of help. I am recently widowed and trying to raise 3 children - 16, 8, and 5. They don’t have time for ignorance! Can someone help me find facts I need?
Hi Lori-
You may find some ways to help your son (and learn more) at http://www.drugfree.org/timetoact — it’s a brand-new website for parents who suspect or know their child is using drugs or drinking.
Moderator Julie
Haha ^^ nice, is there a section to follow the RSS feed