Editor’s Note: The Partnership is excited to introduce Betsy Brown Braun to the Decoder community.  Betsy is a bestselling and award-winning author, parenting expert and mother of three.  For a chance to WIN a free copy of Betsy’s book, You’re Not the Boss of Me: Brat-Proofing Your 4- to 12-Year-Old Child, please see the end of this post for details.

The journey of raising a teen is fraught with challenges.  Not only is his natural development tricky, but a teen’s world is filled with societal influences of all kinds, alcohol being just one. 

Alcohol is on everyone’s minds:  Tweens and teens want to try it, and parents want to keep it away. It is a concern at every turn. And while there is much to consider when it comes to teens and alcohol, parents remain tremendously influential in the choices their kids will make and habits they develop when it comes to alcohol.

Take the seemingly innocent request, “Can I have a sip?”  You’re at your family dinner table; the children have milk or water, and mom and dad have a glass of chardonnay. Jeremy, age 14, asks the above, and Dad thinks, Heck, it’s just a sip. Why not? It’s not a big deal.    Maybe 12-year-old Amanda asks “Can I have the last drop of your beer?”  Dad thinks, There’s nothing left, really. Only a drop.  No harm. 

Truth be told, the lessons about alcohol consumption that are the most powerful may just be the ones that are not accompanied by a wagging finger and a tongue lashing. It is the small, accumulated lessons about drinking that add up to make a difference.  Allowing your underage child a sip of your wine or that last drop of your beer is a small but potent message.  It says a little taste of alcohol is okay. It is approval.

Here’s what we know: Except for anything sweet or completely bland, humans develop a taste for everything else. This includes alcohol.  Any 4-year-old tastes alcohol and exclaims, “Yuck!”  But Mommy and Daddy and grown-ups drink it, so it becomes the forbidden fruit and therefore, desirable.  Even if it’s yucky, the child often tries to sample that fruit.  And every time the child is allowed to sample it, the taste becomes more familiar and more tolerable.  Sooner or later the child who once thought beer was disgusting now has a taste for it, just like Daddy does.

Here is the truth:  Allowing your child to sample your alcohol is against the law. Every time you allow your child to have that last drop, you are in essence giving him the message that you don’t respect the law.  So why should he respect the drinking age, if you don’t? Daddy doesn’t think it’s any big deal, so why should I?

In the course of everyday life, parents have countless opportunities to practice what they preach, to walk the walk, in little ways and big.  And it is those little sips that give rise to the big gulps.

WIN a free copy of You’re Not the Boss of Me, a book by bestselling author Betsy Brown Braun

HOW TO ENTER: Leave a comment responding to Betsy’s post with a valid email address and a winner will be chosen at random at the end of this giveaway.  Enter as many times as you want!  This giveaway ends Thursday August 26 @ 5PM EST.  US only. Good luck!

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We here at the Partnership love to hear from our parents and their successful methods of drug prevention – from the tried-and-true approaches to the more creative, out-of-the-box methods.  One of our Intervene bloggers, Ron Grover, shares with us a truly resourceful way one of his readers teaches a 10-year-old not to use drugs.   We’d love to hear from you too — how do you engage your child in a conversation about drugs? Share in the comments section below!

Ron wrote:

Have you ever had someone tell you something so wonderfully astonishing that you were nearly speechless? I received an email from a colleague and friend yesterday that did just that.

We’ve all heard of teachable moments — using newspaper headlines and TV news stories as conversation starters with your teen. But here’s a new twist on that approach to talking to your child about the consequences of using drugs.

My colleague told me she was having her 10-year-old stepson practice his reading and comprehension skills while reading entries from my personal blog. Effectively, she noted, along the way she discovered that it’s a creative method of  early drug prevention too. 

(For those of you that read my blog know that I write about the ups, downs and lessons learned from raising a son with an active drug addiction.  I was flattered and dumbfounded — it was beyond my imagination that a collection of my thoughts could serve as teaching moments in a young child’s life.)

As her stepson finishes reading a blog post, she asks him what he understands and what he thought I was trying to say.  This discussion gave them an opportunity to talk about drugs and alcohol and what the wrath of addiction does to a person and their family.  She said she uses age-appropriate and relatable examples to help him understand the message. At only 10-years-old, he’s engaging in a conversation about drugs!

 

According to Richard Catalano, PhD, teens want to talk to their parents about important issues like drugs and alcohol.  Catalano states, ”Kids really want to have discussions on important issues with their parents…The overwhelming majority of kids say they would rather talk to their parents than their friends. Even kids who are involved in alcohol and other drugs wish they would be having those conversations with their parents.”

To try this method of early drug prevention with your teen, you can find real-life stories of the effects of drug addiction on Intervene, Memorial stories, Life After stories or read Ron’s blog An Addict in My  Son’s Bedroom.

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Editor’s Note: WIN a free copy of My Teenage Werewolf: A Mother, a Daughter, a Journey Through the Thicket of Adolescence, a new book by bestselling author Lauren Kessler. See the end of this post for details.

I am betting that very few of you have sat through a week’s worth of sex ed classes at your teen’s school.  If your school district offers – or mandates – such classes, you no doubt have received a carefully crafted note listing the topics to be covered.  And, if you have somehow managed to raise one of those rare tweens or teens who, in response to “so, what happened at school today?” replies polysyllabically, you might have a general notion of what goes on.

Not me.  I know all the details.  All the – forgive me for this – ins and outs.  As part of the research for My Teenage Werewolf,  my new book about 21st century teen girl culture and navigating the stormy seas of the mother-daughter relationship, I embedded myself in (among other venues) 7th and 8th grade classrooms.  I was the Margaret Mead of Middle School, the curious, intrepid cultural anthropologist observing an exotic – fascinating, sometimes scary – subculture: the tween/teen girl.

My five mornings of middle school sex ed taught me a lot.  No, not about, you know, sex…but about young teens’ attitudes toward sex.  The most startling thing to me was the complete lack of giggling, elbowing, snarky looks, eye-rolling and/ or shifting in seats I observed that week.  These kids (unlike 8th graders back when I was one) were neither embarrassed nor uncomfortable.  They listened with interest that did not appear prurient. They asked straightforward questions.  They respected each other’s responses.  I was astonished and delighted.

I was also surprised to learn how smart these kids were – especially the girls – about personal safety and how to say no when feeling pressured to have sex.  This is what one girl said she would say to a guy who was pressuring her:  “I trust you, but I trust myself more.”  Wow.  Another girl offered this:  “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t want me to do anything I didn’t want to do.”  Double wow. 

And their knowledge of how to sniff out and shut down predators on social networking sites and in chat rooms so surpassed any lecture a parent could deliver – certainly all the lectures I had delivered to my daughter — that I sat there and took notes.  These teens were not only technologically savvy, they were just plain savvy.

Except, oddly, when it came to their own peer’s behavior.  On the final day of class, the community educator asked them to guess how many kids their age had already had sex. The kids called out numbers. 55 percent.  68 percent.  99.9 percent. They all laughed at that last one. All but one of the kids thought more than half of 13-year-olds in this county had already had sex. 
 
The actual statistic, the educator told them, was 16 percent.  There was an audible gasp.  (And from me, an audible sigh of relief.) I was left wondering why these kids, seemingly smart about everything else, had so overestimated how many of their friends were having sex. Maybe it was their collective immersion in our sex-saturated media environment, with exposure to so many images, so many words, so many hidden and not-so-hidden messages. Maybe all this talk, and all this action, didn’t make today’s teens want to have sex – as so many fear – as much as it made them think everyone else was having it.

WIN a free copy of My Teenage Werewolf, a new book by bestselling author Lauren Kessler.
HOW TO ENTER: Leave a comment responding to Lauren’s post with a valid email address and a winner will be chosen at random at the end of this giveaway.  Enter as many times as you want!  This giveaway ends Monday August 16 @ 5PM EST.  US only. Good luck!

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Do you know an outstanding youth coach or student athlete who demonstrates a commitment to fair, drug-free play and an overall healthy lifestyle?  Does this person inspire others to give it their all, make the team smile after a big defeat, or show exemplary character and integrity on and off the field?

If you answered YES, then nominate this special person now for The Commissioner’s Play Healthy Award!

The Partnership for a Drug-Free America, in conjunction with Major League Baseball (MLB) Charities, just launched the first annual Commissioner’s Play Healthy Awards to celebrate extraordinary individuals on and off the field. The awards are an extension of the Partnership and MLB’s comprehensive nationwide efforts, including the Play Healthy website, to educate families on the risks of steroids and performance-enhancing substances and to recognize youth coaches and student athletes who embody the spirit of teamwork and healthy, drug-free competition.

For more information and how to enter, visit our Play Healthy website, tell us a little about yourself, a little about your nominee and submit your application. It doesn’t take long at all.

Each winner – one coach and one student athlete – will receive an exciting trip for themselves and one special guest to New York City!
 
The complete gift package for each winner will include:

• A trip for 2 to New York City
• 2 tickets to the Partnership’s Gala at the Waldorf-Astoria on December 9, 2010
• A $1,000 gift card to New York City Sports store
• A plaque presented by Major League Baseball Charities
• An opportunity to be featured on the Partnership website, drugfree.org

Nominations may be submitted online at www.drugfree.org/playhealthy between Monday, August 2, 2010 and Friday, October 15, 2010.

Good luck!

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Yes, it’s true. Teenagers sometimes make poor choices. And it’s usually a horrible experience for the whole family. When it comes to using drugs and alcohol, it can ruin so many opportunities and experiences for our kids as they’re becoming adults. All of that is absolutely worthy of a parent’s attention, awareness and response.

But when we as parents give in to our anxiety about their choices, we make poor choices too. We may “snoop” through their things without asking or interrogate rather than talk to them. In doing so, we only motivate them to work even harder to hide from us.

We do these things because at some level, we need our kids to behave a certain way in order for us to feel good about the job we’re doing as parents. But, they need parents whose emotional stability and maturity level has nothing to do with the choices they make. They need parents who can see the big picture and who aren’t dependent on their children for their own happiness or peace of mind.

Needing our kids to behave, or needing our kids not to misbehave, sends out three unmistakable messages:

1) I cannot emotionally handle it when you act as a free individual
2) I am not in control of my own reactions, you are
3) In this scary world, you cannot trust me for leadership

When we send out these messages, our kids usually find ways to do exactly what we want them to avoid — even if it makes life worse for them. Self-destructive behavior, especially from children, is usually a cry for help. What they’re actually saying is:“I need your help, Mom/Dad (not the other way around).”

As difficult as this is to face, it is the truth. We are not responsible for our kids and their choices — they are. We can do everything “right” as parents, and do it all very calmly, and they can still make really bad decisions. The more we can embrace this, the better off we will all be. It does not give us an excuse for retreating to some laid-back, aloof position, hoping that everything turns out for the best. But it does help us to be responsive instead of reactive.

Being a responsive parent instead of a reactive parent begins with more matter-of-fact interactions with our kids. This means speaking to them in a calm manner and not freaking out, overreacting and getting extreme with our emotions. Too often, when we see something in our relationship that we don’t like, we try to change everything wholesale. We say things like, “From now on, things are going to be different!” Instead, creating a great relationship with your teen is more about mindset than it is about method. It is telling yourself every morning that your goal is to be your teen’s guide and leader into adulthood. It is being the architect of their growing freedom and responsibility rather than the gatekeeper of those things.

And, most importantly, when you respond to your kid and his needs rather than react to your own fears, you create the type of relationship that is best for both parent and child. You create an environment where your teen can come to you for wisdom rather than rebuke. 

Editor’s Note: At the Partnership, we believe that parents can maintain a strong influence over their kids, as long as the parents themselves are positive role models who their children respect. Read the Parent’s Promise and make a promise to yourself, to your children and to the Partnership to be the best parent you can be.

For more information on “snooping” visit our Parent Resource Center.

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When I asked my 17-year-old son if teens would rather text their friends than talk to their parents, he laughed and replied, “Oh yeah.” When I asked why, he said, “Because parents just aren’t that interesting and friends are.”

In her article for the Utne Reader, Brenda Ueland writes, “Don’t ask your poor children those automatic questions – ‘Did you wash your hands, dear?’ – those dull, automatic, querulous, duty questions (almost the only conversation that most parents have to offer). Note the look of dreadful exhaustion and ennui and boredom that comes into their otherwise quite happy faces. And don’t say, ‘How was school today, dear?’ which really means: ‘Please entertain me (mama) who is mentally totally lazy at the moment with not one witty or interesting thing to offer …’.”

Let’s face it. Teens are not that interested in talking to someone whose sole intent is to pepper them with questions, judge their answers, and offer unsolicited advice. In fact, these forms of communication serve to obstruct rather than facilitate communication with our teens. As a matter of fact, they are part of a longer list of communication blocks that parents would do well to avoid if they want their teens to talk to them.

Are you guilty of any of the following communication blocks?

• Commanding: “Do your homework. Go brush your teeth. Get your backpack packed.”
• Advising: “Well, what you should do is…”
• Placating: “Oh, honey, it’ll be ok. You’re a beautiful girl and I know you’ll get a date to the prom.”
• Distracting: “Don’t dwell on it. Let’s watch the game together – that’ll take your mind off of it.”
• Interrogating: “What happened? What did you do then? Why did you do that? What were you thinking?”
• Sarcasm: “Oh come on. It’s not the end of the world after all.”
• Being a know-it-all: “Well you should have known better. Cyber bullying is out of control and the more sites you’re on where you interact with others, the worse it can be. I told you about your second cousin, right? Well, she was on Facebook and I know everyone says it’s harmless, but it certainly wasn’t for her. In fact, one day she went to her wall and blah, blah, blah, blah…”
• Denying your teen’s reality: “You’re wearing that? It’s freezing out.” “I’m not cold.” “Put on a coat or you’ll freeze!.”
• Negating feelings: “You don’t need to feel embarrassed (sad, overwhelmed, nervous) about that.”

Most parents, upon hearing these, wonder if they’ll be able to say anything to their teen again because, as Ueland observes, these communication blocks form “almost the only conversation that most parents have to offer.”

So does this mean that we should forgo our parental role and become entertainers? Of course not. It does mean, however, that we should respect our teens as burgeoning adults and afford them the same courtesy we would to a good friend. Ms. Ueland suggests that it is part of our job as parents to be “the fascinated listener” to our children’s remarks. Once your child believes that you are truly interested in him, he will open up and begin to talk… even if he’s never done so before.

So how do we go from communication blocker to fascinated listener?

• If your teen has already shut down and does not talk to you about his day, communicate with him about yours. Find something interesting that you can talk about with passion or humor and tell him– just like you would a friend.
• If your teen is telling you something that makes you itch to respond by teaching her a lesson, hold your tongue – for now. Parenting is about both technique and timing. Sometimes we are teaching the right lesson at the wrong time. When your teen is talking to you, it is the wrong time to teach him a lesson. Remember that unless it requires an ambulance, it’s not an emergency. Things that are important, rather than urgent, can be handled after you’ve had some time to think about the most effective way to communicate the lesson.
• When your teen talks to you, use the skill of “Tell Me More.” Perhaps she is telling you how unfair it is that she got a poor grade in school. Instead of leaping in with advice and a lesson in morals, simply say “tell me more” in a non-judgmental tone. Then listen without judging.
• Learn the techniques (which I will include in my next post) that you need to know in order to impart advice, guide your teen, and teach him ethical behavior: it’s worth the effort.

So how will you know if you’re succeeding when you and your teen are face-to-face? Brenda Ueland sums it up nicely by saying “the light in a child’s eyes is a splendid gauge and tells you in a split-second if you are failing…”

Avoid blocking communication and pay attention to the light in your teenager’s eyes – it may transform your teen from a texter to a talker.

Editor’s Note: WIN a copy of How to Hug a Porcupine by Julie Ross.
HOW TO ENTER: Leave a comment responding to Julie’s post with a valid email address and a winner will be chosen at random at the end of this giveaway.  Enter as many times as you want!  This giveaway ends Friday July 23 @ 5PM EST.  US only. Good luck!

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The Partnership welcomes author Joshua Lyon to Decoder.  Joshua is the author of Pill Head: The Secret Life of a Painkiller Addict, a compelling and honest book about his painkiller addiction and the growing epidemic of Rx abuse among today’s youth.  We’re excited to be giving away a free copy of his book Pill Head - new in paperback - see below for details.

When I was younger, I used to harbor a lot of anger toward my parents regarding my drug abuse. I accused them of missing all the signs that I was in emotional pain and using any substance I could to mask that pain. But deep down, I knew that anger was baseless. I was a high-functioning addict, and telling lies was as easy to me as breathing.

After years of messing around with pretty much every drug, I discovered prescription painkillers while writing an article about how easy they were to buy online. As part of my research I bought some myself, just to prove the point. I decided to sample the goods, and my response was immediate. Nothing felt better, and I could do anything on them that I’d do when I was sober — drive, go to work, even babysit younger family members. I was constantly high, but I always felt 100% in control. And no one knew.

The thing about painkillers is that in the early stages of abuse, it can sometimes be hard to tell when someone is using them. You don’t giggle uncontrollably or stuff your face like you do while high on weed You don’t have to keep excusing yourself from the table to run to the bathroom for another bump of coke. With pills, you don’t even have to leave the table at all. I swallowed illegally-obtained Oxys and Dilaudid all the time in front of my friends and family. No one thought twice about it – at most, someone would ask if I had a headache, assuming I was taking Tylenol.

While it was hard to immediately see the outward effects of my pill intake, inside, I was detaching from reality. I always describe the feeling of being on pills as being inside a protective bubble. You feel like nothing can hurt you…and eventually, nothing can, simply because you’ve got no emotions left. I started to float through my life without thinking about how any of my actions had consequences. I burned through friends, had an HIV scare due to my carelessness, and eventually had to suffer through recovery from surgery because the Vicodin the hospital gave me was like baby aspirin due to my massive tolerance for painkillers.

Thankfully, that severe pain during surgery was a big wake-up call to get my act together.

During the height of my addiction, I think my friends knew something was wrong, but just weren’t quite sure what it was because I was so good at hiding my problem. In my experiences though, there are a few subtle, telltale clues to look for if you suspect someone might be abusing painkillers. They cause pupils to constrict. Sometimes, it becomes hard to finish a sentence – common words suddenly escape you (this increases dramatically the longer you abuse them). And for many people, painkillers make their skin itch, so excessive scratching can be an indicator too.

But I think one of the most important things to watch for is much simpler – language. Half of teens, and an equal amount of parents, believe that prescription medications are safer than “street” drugs. The fact that emergency room visits due to prescription medication overdoses just jumped 111% over a five-year period says otherwise (source: CDC).

If you hear a teenager make an off-hand joke about wanting a Valium to deal with something mildly stressful, or casually joke about looking forward to the Vicodin they’ll be getting for wisdom teeth removal, then you might already have a problem on your hands. These seemingly innocent remarks could indicate that your teen believes prescriptions medicines aren’t something to be overly concerned or careful about.

When used correctly, prescription medicines are extremely helpful to many people with legitimate and necessary medical uses, but it’s the presumed harmlessness that causes most dangerous situations. Communication and knowledge is key.  Speaking of keys, I encourage you to get one for your medicine cabinet.

Editor’s Note: WIN a copy of Pill Head by Joshua Lyon.
HOW TO ENTER: Leave a comment responding to Josh’s post with a valid email address and a winner will be chosen at random at the end of this giveaway. This giveaway ends next Friday July 16 @ 5PM EST. US only. Good luck!

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Emergency room visits for underage alcohol use may nearly double during the Fourth of July weekend according to the Drug Abuse Warning Network, a public health surveillance system that monitors drug-related hospital emergency visits.

Results from an average day in July 2008 found that there were 502 emergency room visits involving underage alcohol use across the U.S.  However, during the 3-day Fourth of July weekend, the number of daily visits jumped to 938 – an increase of 87%. 

Scientists are beginning to learn that it takes a brain about 25 years to fully develop, and that a huge burst of development happens during adolescence.  That burst can explain a lot of unpredictable – and sometimes risky – teen behavior.  As your teen’s judgment skills are developing, it’s important to keep them safe by setting clear limits backed up with firm consequences. Here are a few things you can do to help prevent your teen from drinking alcohol this holiday weekend:

1. Talk with your child about alcohol facts, reasons not to drink, and ways to avoid drinking in difficult situations.
2. Encourage your teen to visit our Check Yourself website for information about drugs and alcohol.
3. Keep tabs on your young teen’s activities, and join other parents in making common policies about teen alcohol use.
4. Develop family rules about teen drinking and establish consequences.
5. Set a good example regarding your own alcohol use and your response to teen drinking.
6. Encourage your child to develop healthy friendships and fun alternatives to drinking.
7. Believe in your own power to help your child avoid alcohol use.

The Partnership family wishes you and yours a happy and safe Fourth of July weekend!

• 	Posted by: Community Manager Olivia | 1 Comment(s)	Print This Post
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In case you missed it, rapper Eminem recently stopped by the Late Show with David Letterman to share Top 10 Pieces of Advice for Kids.   Check out what he had to say (viewer discretion advised):

Not bad, Slim.  We particularly liked #5: Don’t Get Mixed up with Drugs, Gangs or Oil Executives

His TV appearance comes on the heels of the release of his latest album, Recovery.  The publicity surrounding the album has focused a lot on his personal recovery from addiction to prescription pain medication.  He confesses to Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush,“I guess I really had to reach down, reach deep down and look at myself and realize this is my fault, like, take responsibility for the way I’m living and stop blaming other people.”  He also credited his daughters (Alaina, 18; Hailie, 15; and Whitney, 9) as his inspiration for recovery: “I love them so much and they’ve helped me through so many things.”

There’s no denying that his latest lyrics are powerful and offer insights into his struggles with addiction and his effort to regain his health. Take the lyrics from his new single “Not Afraid” for example:

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don’t even realize what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead
No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus solely on handling my responsibilities as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughter’s and raise it
You couldn’t lift a single shingle lonely
Cause the way I feel, I’m strong enough to go to the club
or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I’m raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I’m too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and I’m not afraid to take a stand…

Eminem and his new album offer an opportunity for us parents to connect with our kids. We can use Eminem’s songs and his personal recovery from prescription medicine addiction to talk to our teens about prescription drug abuse .  Chances are your teen has heard the hype about Eminem’s drug use, they’ve heard one song off the album and they’ll have an opinion about what’s going on.  It’s a good time to talk to your teen if you haven’t already.

Have you talked with your kids recently about Eminem?  How did it go?

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