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Your Kids are Watching You Drive: 5 Reminders to Stay Safe

Jan 11, 2012 by Betsy Brown Braun | Categories Advice, Driving, High School, Role Models, Texting, parenting teens

The thought of getting a driver’s license is thrilling to teens. To most parents, it’s terrifying. Attached to the little paper that brings wheels and freedom to your child is an expanded list of worries for you. Not only are all the other drivers on the road a colossal safety hazard, but, in addition to merely operating a car, your distractible teen has to learn how to manage driving. Today’s technologically advanced vehicles come equipped with every distraction imaginable. Did you know that new Bluetooth enabled models flash incoming emails on the GPS screen?

The mom of a 17 year old shared the story of taxi-ing her newly minted driver-daughter and a friend to a party. After the mom stopped at the corner sign, the friend exclaimed, “Wow! You came to a full stop. My mom always rolls through them.”

Your kids learn to how drive long before they are learning to drive. In the same way that you model behaviors of all kinds, so do you teach your child how be safe on the road, how to operate a lethal weapon called a car, and how to be a driver.

The mandatory driving lessons and practice time behind the wheel teach a teen how to operate the vehicle. But how does she learn driving behaviors and habits, ones that will help keep her safe on the road? These are the lessons that your child starts absorbing as soon as she can climb into his car seat all by herself.

For anyone who drives with a child in the car, there are five particular areas that are worthy of your attention, whether your child is 4 years or 14…because is he watching.

1. Obey all the traffic rules. Sounds obvious, I know. But if you are in the habit of rolling through that stop sign, if you make risky left turns, if you speed up to make it through the yellow light, guess what you are teaching your one-day-to-be driver? You can preach the importance of obeying the traffic rules, but your own rule-following teaches the real lesson.

2. Never drink and get behind the wheel. Everyone knows this one, and evidence shows that a parent’s admonitions, real life examples of resultant tragedies, and the parent’s own modeling are all crucial teachers. But if it’s okay for you to have just one glass of wine and then drive, it will be okay for your child to do the same. Don’t do it. And in front of your child, state that the reason Mommy is not driving because I had a beer.

3. Do not touch your handheld device. Even in Bluetooth enabled cars, drivers are distracted by their smart phones—texting, locating numbers, looking at calendars while driving. Your kids are watching you. Even if you text at a stoplight, not only are you tempting fate, but you are shouting the message that it is okay to do so. Don’t…ever!

4. Driving is not hands free. Men shave in the car; women put on makeup with one hand. My husband saw a man practicing with drum sticks on the steering wheel as he drove. A mom admitted to me, “I totaled a car because I was eating as I drove.” Don’t model multi-tasking while driving. Your children need to see you give 100% of your attention and all of your body to the task at hand: driving.

5. Drive patiently. Even those of us who are challenged by patience, must cultivate a driver personality that embraces it. Road rage leads nowhere good. Honking, calling other drivers names, berating the woman who cut you off is not likely the driver personality you want your child to imitate.

Parenting a child who drives a car requires a kind of trust and letting go for which nothing can prepare you. You can’t control the world — all the other drivers — in order for your child to be safe. But by your own driving behavior, you can teach your child to be a sane and smart driver, a lesson he will not learn in driving school. It’s not too soon. Start now.

What are your own experiences behind the wheel and/or with new teen drivers?


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Your Teen Probably Knows All About Synthetic Drugs (like Spice, K2 and Bath Salts) — You Should Too

Dec 15, 2011 by Steve Pasierb | Categories Addiction, Advice, Bath Salts, Communicating, Culture, High School, K2, Marijuana, Prevention, Spice, Teenagers


Synthetic marijuana, known as Spice or K2, is gaining attention among high school seniors. According to The University of Michigan’s Monitoring the Future study one in every nine 12th graders reported using this drug.

Yesterday R. Gil Kerlikowske, Director of the White House ONDCP, urged parents to help stop teen use of Spice / K2. “It’s not in the vocabulary of parents, and they need to be aware of it so that when they have that conversation about substance abuse they are knowledgeable,” he said.  “These drugs are dangerous and can cause serious harm.”
 
Another synthetic drug to be aware of is Bath Salts, a synthetic powdered stimulants – sold online and in drug paraphernalia stores as bath salts and plant food.
 
So what exactly are these new synthetic “designer” drugs?  Here’s what you need to know:
 
Spice
 
Also Known As: K2, Fake Marijuana, Skunk, Yucatan Fire, Moon Rocks and others.
 
What Is It? Sold legally as incense under brand names such as “K2,″ Spice is a an herbal-and-chemical compound that, when smoked, simulates the effects of the tetrahydrocannabinol, or THC, in marijuana. While Spice products are labeled “not for human consumption,” they are marketed to people who are interested in herbal alternatives to marijuana (cannabis) and are sold in gas stations, head shops (retail outlets specializing in drug paraphernalia) and via the Internet. Some Spice products are sold as “incense” but resemble potpourri rather than popular, more familiar incense products (common forms include short cones or long, thin sticks).
 
How Is It Abused? Like marijuana, Spice is usually abused by smoking, but it can also be prepared as an herbal infusion for drinking. 
 
How Does It Work? Spice appears to stimulate the same brain receptors as marijuana does and produces a similar high.
 
What Are the Health Effects of Spice Abuse? Presently, there are no large-scale studies on the effects of Spice on human health or behavior. The cannbinoids found in Spice bind to the same receptors as THC; however, some of them bind more strongly to the receptors, which could lead to a much more powerful and unpredictable effect.  Spice users report experiences similar to those produced by marijuana, and regular users may experience withdrawal and addiction symptoms.

The compounds found in Spice have not been fully characterized for their effects and importantly, their toxicity, in humans. However, a variety of mood and perceptual effects have been described, and patients who have been taken to Poison Control Centers in Texas report symptoms that include rapid heart rate, vomiting, agitation, confusion, and hallucinations.
 
What is the Extent of Use?
This year’s Monitoring the Future survey captured the use of Spice among high school seniors for the first time. According to the results, almost 1 in 9 or 11.4% of high school seniors reported using Spice in the past year.
 
What is the Legal Status? A number of States have instituted bans on Spice and Spice-like products and/or synthetic cannabinoid-containing products, and many others are considering legislation forbidding the sale or possession of Spice.
Note: Because Spice is marketed as being “natural,” some teens may think it’s safe to use.  But the ingredients used to make Spice can vary, and no one’s watching to see what people producing Spice are using—meaning the results could have dangerous effects on your teen’s body and brain. 
 
For more information on Spice / K2 please see this NIDA InfoFacts
 
Bath Salts   
 
Also Known As: Ivory Wave, Purple Wave, Red Dove, Blue Silk, Zoom, Bloom, Cloud Nine, Ocean Snow, Lunar Wave, Vanilla Sky, White Lightning, Scarface and Hurricane Charlie.
 
What Is It?  A synthetic powder typically sold in small packets online and in drug paraphernalia shops. These products often contain various amphetamine-like chemicals, such as methylenedioxypyrovalerone (MPDV), mephedrone and pyrovalerone. Because these drugs are relatively new and for now unregulated by the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA), scientists are not exactly sure of the ingredients in each brand.
 
How Is It Abused? While labeled as “not fit for human consumption” these drugs are typically taken orally, by inhalation, or by injection, with the worst outcomes apparently associated with snorting or intravenous administration.
 
How Does It Work? These chemicals act in the brain like stimulant drugs (they are sometimes touted as cocaine substitutes) and are said to produce highs like cocaine, Ecstasy and methamphetamines.
 
What Are the Health Effects of Bath Salts Abuse? It is too early to tell what the exact short- and long-term effects from abusing bath salts is, but what little we do know so far is alarming enough.  Chemicals in bath salts mimic the side effects of amphetamines—stimulants like cocaine or meth—such as rapid heartbeat, increased blood pressure and body temperature and even seizures, which have brought many people to emergency rooms across the country. Doctors and clinicians at U.S. poison centers have indicated that ingesting or snorting “bath salts” containing synthetic stimulants can cause chest pains, increased blood pressure, increased heart rate, agitation, hallucinations, extreme paranoia, and delusions.
 
What is the Legal Status? Several states, counties, cities and local municipalities have introduced legislation to ban these products.
 
Note: Because these chemicals act like stimulants, they present a high abuse and addiction liability. Bath salts have been reported to trigger intense cravings not unlike those experienced by methamphetamine users, and clinical reports from other countries appear to corroborate their addictiveness. They can also confer a high risk for other medical adverse effects. Some of these may be linked to the fact that, beyond their known psychoactive ingredients, the contents of “bath salts” are largely unknown, which makes the practice of abusing them, by any route, that much more dangerous. Mephedrone is of particular concern because, according to the United Kingdom experience, it presents a high risk for overdose.
 
Last February,  Kerlikowske stated: “[Bath Salts] pose a serious threat to the health and well-being of young people and anyone who uses them.”
 
Parents, and adults with a child in your life, you have extraordinary power to influence the decisions young people make.  We know active, open communication between parents and kids is the most effective prevention tool. To learn how to have more effective conversations about drugs and alcohol with your teen, please visit our Parent Toolkit.

 If you suspect or know your child is experimenting with Spice, Bath Salts or any other drug, please visit Time To Act. If your child needs help for a drug or alcohol problem or addiction, please visit Time To Get Help or call our Toll-Free Parents Helpline (855-DRUGFREE) to speak to one of our Parent Specialist for guidance.
 
Source: National Institute on Drug Abuse


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October E-mail: Thrill Seeker, Mood Swinger or Rebel

Nov 9, 2011 by Olivia Chao | Categories Parent Email

Parents! In case you didn’t see our October Parent E-mail, here it is. If you’d like to receive tips, tools and guidance for raising your tween, teen or young adult, please sign up for our monthly parent e-mail.

October Email picHello Fellow Parents:

The other day I looked at the list of Typical Teen Behaviors from A Parent’s Guide to the Teen Brain — and laughed knowingly. Even though my daughter Charlotte is only 4, with her love of shoes she certainly fits ”style-obsessed.” Can you identify any of these behaviors in your child?

Speaking of teen behaviors, parents often ask me how they can tell if their teen is just acting like a teen — or when he or she is exhibiting a red flag behavior. For instance, let’s say your son is suddenly hostile, has new friends you don’t care for and has missed curfew a few times. Does that mean he is using drugs?

(Check out this list of warning signs that your child could be using drugs or alcohol.)

Some of this behavior could be normal — as a result of his developing teen brain (new research reveals that brain development during these formative years play a significant role in shaping your teen’s personality and actions.) But if you do notice sudden changes or new patterns in your child’s behavior and he or she is showing several of these warning signs all at once, then it could indicate a problem. Trust your gut here and be sure to talk to your child if you suspect something’s going on.

[A good place to start is Time To Act and our Intervention e-book (pdf).]

If your child had developed a problem with drugs or alcohol, please visit our new-and-improved Time To Get Help where you can download our Treatment e-book (pdf), ask questions and connect with other parents. And if you want to speak to a licensed clinical social worker for guidance, call our new bilingual toll-free helpline (1-855-DRUGFREE).

My kids are still young, but I’m surprised how substance abuse is already on their radar.

Recently, my 6-year-old son and I waited as an older gentleman was brought onto the bus in a wheelchair and with an oxygen tank.  He looked at my son and said, “Never smoke cigarettes.” I explained to Cameron how the man now understands that cigarettes hurt his body.  We talked about how he is not able to run or play football or do all of the things that my son enjoys. Now every time we see someone on the street smoking, he mentions him.

(Mommy Blogger Jen Singer and other experts shares these tips for talking to your kids about drugs and alcohol at all ages from preschooler all the way up to young adult.)

In terms of alcohol, Cameron often sees beer commercials when watching football with my husband.  In fact, it’s how he now knows there’s a silent G and silent H in the word “light.” He even directs us to certain brands when we are grocery shopping, adding, “That’s for grown-ups.”

[For tips on how to use teachable moments with your child download our Time To Talk Talk Kit (pdf).]

It’s really never too early to establish good communication skills with your children. By talking to them about respecting their bodies, the joys of healthy living and making smart decisions, you’re giving your child the skills to resist drugs and alcohol when he or she is older.  You may find young kids just ask basic questions like “What is pot?” or “What do drugs do to someone’s body?” — and it’s good that they know they can come to you for answers.

[To get the facts about the 13 most commonly-used drugs among teens and their side effects, download our Drug Guide for Parents (pdf) and our Prescription and Over-the-Counter Drug Guide (pdf).]

While addiction hasn’t touched my family directly, that doesn’t mean it hasn’t affected me, or hasn’t affected you.  Your niece could be in a car with someone high on prescription medicine.  Your co-worker may be panicked because her daughter was rushed to the emergency room last night.  Your son’s best friend may be caught up in a drug problem without the support to get help.

The resources we provide here at The Partnership at Drugfree.org are absolutely and totally free of charge, all diligently reviewed by scientists, parents and health care professionals who work on the frontlines of our issue.

I love my job.  And I know that what I’m doing will help Cameron and Charlotte, help them so that they can make smart and healthy decisions in the future, and help me if I need support or guidance as their mom along the way.

Denise Young Farrell

Denise Young Farrell

VP, Director of Public Affairs at The Partnership at Drugfree.org
Mother of Cameron, 6, and Charlotte, 4

P.S. Watch this amazing video of Tara Conner, former Miss USA, who reflects on her experiences with drug addiction and alcoholism and learn more about our brand-new You Are Not Alone campaign.


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Typical Teen Behaviors: How Would You Describe Your Teenager?

Oct 28, 2011 by Olivia Chao | Categories General

Typical Teen BehaviorsIs my teen’s attitude and behavior normal? If you’ve asked yourself this question, welcome to the club.  From mood swings to risk taking, “normal teenage behavior” can appear to be anything but normal to parents. Science shows that from early adolescence through their mid-20s, a teen’s brain develops somewhat unevenly, from back to front. This may help explain their endearingly quirky behavior but also makes them prone to risk-taking, like trying drugs and alcohol.

Do any of these describe your teenager? Let us know in the comments section!

Miss Impulsive

Consequences always come as a surprise to this teen.  Think it through? I don’t think so! She’ll buy a $300 final-sale dress on your credit card, then ask if it’s okay when the bill comes.

Responsibility? You’ll have to work with her on that one.

My Little Rebel

She’s not bad, but there she is, pushing back mightily against even the smallest of boundaries.  She tests limits, breaks rules, and plays “Devil’s Advocate” like a nature.  You love her… but sometimes you don’t like her so much.

The Fashion Icon

This teen’s a walking billboard.  His clothes, his accessories, his gadgets: everything’s got to have this week’s version of the right label.  And don’t even get him started on YOUR (ahem) “taste.”

The Mood Swinger

This teen can go from laughter to moping in the blink of an eye.  For you, it’s exhausting, trying to keep up, never knowing which kid you’re going to get.  And it seems you are always to blame.  Wait, never mind.  That was a smile!

The Silent One

“How was your day?” “Good.” “What do you want for dinner?” “Whatever.” Perfect! If she spoke any less, she could me a mime. But then again, she talks with her friends all the time.  You know this; you get the phone bill.

The BFF (Best Friends Forever)

Read more.

The Thrill-Seeker

Read more.

Running on Empty

Read more.

Find out about the other types of teen behaviors on A Parent’s Guide to the Teen Brain and be sure to click on the audio clips, too.


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Prescription and Over-the-Counter Drugs in Your Teenager’s World

Oct 13, 2011 by Olivia Chao | Categories Addiction, Age Appropriate Advice, Communicating, Methamphetamine, Prescription Medicine/Rx Drugs, Prevention, parenting teens

Prescription Pills in Your Teen's World

A recent survey from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows that 20% of teens have taken a prescription drug without a doctor’s prescription. More often than not, these teens are getting their prescription drugs from their own family’s medicine cabinet.  In fact, fifty-five percent often agree that it’s easy to get prescription drugs from their parent’s medicine cabinets.

With this rise in prescription drug use among teens, it’s more important than ever for parents to lock up their medicine cabinets, find out about the prescription drugs in their child’s environment and how to address prescription drug use and abuse in their home.

Teenagers turn to prescription drugs because they perceive them as less dangerous than illegal drugs (like cocaine, heroin, meth, etc.). But it isn’t true and, as a result, there is a false sense of security about prescription and over-the-counter drugs.

Teenage prescription drug abuse is on the rise. But the good news is, as a parent, you can influence your teen’s decision not to use drugs. The majority of teens still report that their parents-not their peers or the media-have the biggest influence on their decision to stay drug-free. In fact, kids who learn about the risks of drugs at home are up to fifty percent less likely to use drugs.  Use this influence to talk to your teen about the dangers of abusing prescription drugs.

Download our Prescription and Over-the-Counter Drug Guide to learn about the legal drugs (like Miss Emmas, Oxy, Vike, Block Busters, Roofies, etc.) teens are using and abusing.

rxdrugguide

For more information on signs of potential prescription drug abuse and what a parent can do, visit Not In My House.


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September E-mail: Helping Your Child Handle Mean Girls and Frenemies

Oct 5, 2011 by Olivia Chao | Categories Advice, Age Appropriate Advice, Cyber-bullying, Daughters, Friendships, Parent Email

Parents! In case you didn’t see our September Parent E-mail, here it is. If you’d like to receive tips, tools and guidance for raising your tween, teen or young adult, please sign up for our monthly parent e-mail.

September Email picDear Parents:

What makes a good friend?

This is something I’ve been discussing a lot lately with my 12-year-old twin daughters, Taylor and Kendall, as I help them navigate the ever-changing landscape of teen friendships.

(Download our Healthy Friendships Tipsheet-PDF)

Since starting middle school, my girls seem to have a “best friend” of the week.  While I think it’s terrific to make new friends, I want to make sure they aren’t ditching their old pals. “How would you feel if you were her?” I asked when they suddenly stopped being friends with a girl they’d been close with for years. I cannot tell them who to be friends with, but I can teach them to be sensitive to the feelings of others.

And then there’s the flip side - comforting your child when a friend turns on her.

(Blogger and friendship expert Dr. Irene S. Levine offers tips on cheering your child up when a friend lets her down.)

I remember when Kendall told me how two of her “friends” suddenly cast her out at the lunch table. “Who invited you to sit here?” they asked before telling her to leave. It was heartbreaking to hear.

(Don’t like your child’s friends? Mommy blogger Jenny Runkel offers 3 things you can do.)

I had to remind Kendall that girls in their teenage years can be mean and say hurtful things just to make themselves feel better.

(Ask these 20 questions to find out if your teen has a toxic friend.)

I try to encourage my girls to be kind to everyone, even if they don’t like the person. As cliché as it might sound, what comes around goes around.

(Mommy blogger Lisa Frederiksen shares this important parenting reminder: Teens Learn Best When the Going Gets Tough.)

Here are 8 ways to encourage healthy friendships:

1. Regularly talk about what true friendship means - and the qualities that are important in a friend.

2. Help your child recognize behaviors that do not make a good friend.

3. Let your child know if you disapprove of one of his or her friends (or a group of friends) and explain why.

4. Try to be a good role model and use your own relationships to show how healthy friendships look and feel.

5. Get to know the parents of your children’s friends.

6. Talk to your child frequently — about everything from events of the day to his hope and dreams to dealing with peer pressure.

7. Know who your kids are hanging out with. (I don’t make my girls feel like I am being nosy but I do let them know that I have the right to check their phones, email and text messages should I feel the need to.)

8. Remind your child that that you are always there to lend an ear.

To me, a good friend is someone you can always count on. Someone who is there in the good times and bad. A true friend loves you for who you are and does not change how she feels based on what other people think.

Wishing you and your children shiploads of healthy friendships,

terisig

Teri Christensen

Senior Vice President & Director of Field Operations at The Partnership at Drugfree.org

Mother of Taylor (12) and Kendall (12)

P.S. Having great friends and colleagues is one of many reasons why I love my job at The Partnership at Drugfree.org.  I even made a video about it!

Related Links:

When You Don’t Like Your Teenager’s Friends

5 Things Parents Should Explain to Teens About Sexting

Teenage Girls and Cyber-Bullying

Obsessed with Being Connected: The Downside of Social Networking for Teens

How to Get Your Teen to Open Up and Talk to You More (and Text A Little Less)

New & Noteworthy:

Hot Blog Topic: 7 Truths About My Addict That Took 5 Years To Learn (181 comments)

New Campaign: You Are Not Alone

Redesigned: Time To Get Help (850 community members and counting)

Infographic: Addiction Impacts More People Than You Realize

Make a Difference: Get Involved

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” - Oprah Winfrey

If you’d like to receive tips, tools and guidance for raising your tween, teen or young adult, please sign up for our monthly parent e-mail.


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Does Your Teen Have a Toxic Friend? Use These 20 Questions to Find Out

Sep 15, 2011 by Irene S. Levine, PhD | Categories Communicating, Connecting, Friendships, Teenagers, Tweens

toxicWhile most teen friendships have their highs and lows, toxic friends are characterized by consistent patterns of negativity.

Yet, the signs of a toxic teen friendship aren’t always obvious to teens or their parents. Here are 20 questions to help your child determine if a friendship may be bad for her –  either mentally, physically or both.

1. Does scheduling time to see your friend feel like an obligation rather than a pleasure?

2. Do you ever feel trapped when you are together?

3. Do you feel tense in her presence?

4. Does she often show off at your expense?

5. Is she never reliably there when you need her?

6. Is she self-centered, sneaky, deceitful or disloyal?

7. Does she have habitually bad judgment?

8. Are you giving more than you’re getting?

9. Does the relationship feel out-of-sync?

10.  Do you feel emotionally drained when you are with her?

11.  Do you come away from her feeling depressed?

12.  When you talk, does it feel like she isn’t listening or just doesn’t get it?

13.  Do you dread her phone calls, emails and/or text messages?

14.  Do you hate when you see her screen name online when you look at your buddy list?

15.  Are her emails too long to read?

16.  Does she always choose to spend her time with her boyfriend, over you, given the opportunity?

17.  Has she flirted with your boyfriend or the guy you like?

18.  Has she done anything to undermine get you in trouble at school?

19.  Can you trust her to keep your confidences?

20.  Has she betrayed you?


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Parenting Reminder: Kids Often Learn Best When the Going Gets Tough

Sep 15, 2011 by Lisa Frederiksen | Categories Age Appropriate Advice, Daughters, Friendships, High School, Setting Limits, Teenagers, parenting teens

As I read the articles How to Land Your Kid in TherapyThe Blessings of a B- and What if the Secret to Success Is Failure I inwardly groaned.

I remember wanting to be “the good mom,” wanting to protect my daughters from making my mistakes. I remember charging through their lives as if I were their personal full back - pushing aside chores, adversity, negative experiences and disappointments aside, as well as being their personal administrative assistant so they would have the time to do the hours of homework, sports practice, volunteering and part-time jobs required to get into a “good” college.

In my defense and that of other parents my age, my daughters’ childhoods were far more complicated than anything I’d experienced as a kid. In my world, prepping for the S.A.T. exam meant finding a #2 pencil - not hours and hours of exam strategy instruction/tutoring and practice tests. Sports meant playing a season - not striving through personal trainers and off-season Club sports to start on the Varsity team by freshman year. Homework could be done with what was at hand, at home, on my own time, with no parental oversight or after dinner trips to the crafts store. Weekends and summers were endless days of hopping on our bikes and heading off with the only admonition ringing in our ears, “Be home in time for supper.” We sorted out our own teams, fights with friends and created our own adventures and rules. And college was not a life-or-death decision. We applied to a couple, and we went.

Fortunately, “life” threw me a curve ball (actually, it was more of a fast pitch to the head), and I was forced to take a good, long, hard look at myself. And, in the process of researching my issues (mostly related to my decades-long experience coping with loved ones’ alcohol abuse and alcoholism) and going through therapy, I realized that instead of bolstering my daughters’ self-esteem and chances for an amazing life, their take-away message was, “You’re not good enough;” “I don’t trust you to make the ‘right’ decision;” “I don’t think you can do it without my help.”

At first I couldn’t imagine how I was going to put the genie back in the bottle - especially given the technology that adds an immediacy to just about every interaction. Not to mention that my daughters were in their late teens when I started. Nonetheless, the three of us agree that the new principals I decided to follow allowed them to take responsibility for their lives, ultimately changing our relationship — all for the better.

Here are the five principles I followed:

1. Understand how the brain develops. Learning from our own mistakes is a huge part of learning to cope with life. When children are constantly stimulated / rewarded while their brains are developing (from birth through early 20s), their brains wire and “demand’ good things to jump-start dopamine pathways. They also become adept and comfortable with stress and the feelings of emptiness and angst that result when the fight-or-flight pathways are not constantly triggered. The Partnership at DrugFree.org has an excellent site that can help with this understanding, “Guide to the Teen Brain.”

What I learned as a mom: This explained so many things (even some of my own young adult life behaviors!). Teens often don’t know why they do what they do, nor can they - their brain is not fully developed. It also helped me better understand how to “share my advice” in a manner they could “hear” and to appreciate that underage drinking and drug use can cause long-term problems because of the brain development that is occurring at the time.

2. Stop yourself with a quick check. Ask yourself, “Can my child do this?” Sure it may be uncomfortable, frustrating and have an imperfect outcome, but if s/he can wire neural networks to cope and self-soothe - the world truly can be an amazing place.

What I learned as a mom: Quick checks helped me to get a grip on whether I was reacting to a feeling or the fact of the matter. I also learned that sometimes I did have something to add, but I learned to offer, not jump in.  I would say something like, “If you’d like me to __________, I’d be more than happy to. I have the time right now and can do that for you.” And, if they told me, “No thanks. I’ve got it covered,” I accepted that without attitude or hurt feelings.

3.  Establish a baseline of need vs. want. One of the really difficult fights with myself was wanting to give my daughters what they wanted - and that ranged from purses to jeans to pierced ears to cell phones - especially if they “needed” the item to be a particular brand or make. It gets expensive! And it sends the message that it’s having the material things that make us happy.

What I learned as a mom: Deciding what I was willing to pay changed the conversation to, “I will give you $X.” That gave them the opportunity to decide just how important the item was to them and then what they were going to do to raise the remainder of the money they needed.

4.  Have your own, separate life. When our children see us able to find satisfaction independent of another person’s reaction, input or praise - they learn to do the same. Additionally, if our lives are so intertwined with theirs, they feel an underlying responsibility and/or resentment when they try to separate (such as going off to college) because they feel responsible for our happiness at a time they are trying to find their own path.

What I learned as a mom: Perhaps the most important lesson here was the one I learned - namely that I am a “self;” an independent person who has dreams and capabilities and an adventuresome spirit - all totally independent of my daughters and what they do or don’t do or think or don’t think of me. This has been especially important in our relationship now that they are both graduated from college and off to the next phase of their lives. They feel free to go and do because they know I am doing the same.

5.  Recall this partial quote from Kahill Gibran’s book, The Prophet:

Your children … come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams….

What I learned as a mom: This is such a wonderful, profound yet simple reminder - I don’t own my children - not their minds, not their bodies, not their “selves.” It is absolutely my job (more so then, than now, of course) to guide them, but the more I allowed them to find and develop their “person,” without guilt or worry for how I felt about it, the better it was for them (and as it’s turned out, for me, too!).


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Raising Tween Girls and Working at The Partnership at Drugfree.org

Sep 14, 2011 by Olivia Chao | Categories Daughters, Friendships, General, Tweens

We reached out to Teri Christensen, one of our favorite Partnership moms, to find out what it’s like raising tween girls and working at The Partnership at Drugfree.org. Watch the video below to see what she had to say!



Teri Christensen, Senior Vice President and Director of Field Operations, has worked with The Partnership at Drugfree.org for over a decade. She leads her team and the Alliance program through a number of changes and growth. In her day-to-day job she is committed to the cause and takes great pride in helping families across the country raise healthy drug-free kids.

She works in a home-based office where her daughter, Taylor and Kendall, have been exposed and connected to drug prevention for all of their lives. Teri has always been a hands-on parent however now more than ever she has regular conversations with her daughters about school friends, boys, appropriate and inappropriate language, texting, friendships and, of course, conversations about alcohol and drugs whenever possible.

She has always set very clear expectations with her daughters. Teri admits she may be viewed as nagging or saying something embarrassing but that does not stop her from having regular, on-going conversations with Taylor, Kendall and some of their friends.

As much as she wants to be liked by her girls and their friends she puts her job as mother first and has no issue putting her foot down.  Taylor and Kendall know that their mom’s primary “job” is to keep them healthy and safe while providing them some of the skills they will need as they grown into teenagers and young adults.

How do you help your teens make healthy choices!  Share with us below.


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Cheering Your Child Up When a Friend Lets Her Down

Sep 14, 2011 by Irene S. Levine, PhD | Categories Advice, Connecting, Daughters, Friendships, High School, Middle School, Teenagers, Tweens

teen friendshipsWe’re thrilled to welcome new blogger Dr. Irene Levine, PhD, to the Decoder community!  Dr. Levine is a clinical psychologist, an award-winning freelance journalist and the author of Best Friends Forever.  She also maintains The Friendship Blog, a blog about the nature, meaning, and depth of female friendships.

It always hurts to see a child or teen sad as a result of a friendship that has gone awry. One way to help your teen through a difficult friend breakup is to explain that it’s common for young people to change friends often.  Perhaps, this particular friend feels more comfortable with different kids than she did in the past. Maybe she wants to hang out with friends whom she thinks are more popular or cool, or something else like that.

Here are a few things you can do to help your teen:

1. Suggest to your child that she text her friend to see if she wants to get together in-person to talk about why she’s grown distant.  She might need a bit of encouragement and support from you to do this.

2. Help channel her energy into on making some new friends. (Here are suggestions for helping your child finding new activities that might interest her.) If she and her once-BFF are school chums and have some of the same friends, let her know that it’s best not to make their breakup obvious when they’re in public.  Encourage her to act politely in mixed company and among mutual friends.

3. Remind her that this friend breakup is probably more about her friend than it is about her and she deserves a better friendship than this one! Reiterate that friendships and allegiances change so often during the teen years that it’s likely her former friend may reach out to her at some point in the future.

4. Let her know that she will feel better soon. It might be helpful to talk to a parent or family member about this since most adults have experienced friend breakups before.

Has your teen dealt with a difficult breakup?  How did you help him or her handle it?


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